Well, it's come to the point where I can no longer give this award out single-handedly. But the last thing I wanted to do was call in just anyone. Fortunately, we got the scheduling done at the last second, and he's right here, ready for the presentation.

Ladies and gentlemen, BigSoccer is proud to present the 2009 CONCACAF Player of the Year award, hosted by myself, with our special guest, Santa Claus.


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Ho ho ho! Or, should I say, ho ho DE RO! WOO! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!

Thank you, Santa! Well, as you can see, Santa is a fan-

You ********ing got that right!

And especially this time of year-

Nah, the job's a ********ing doddle. Just between you and me, the elves do most of the work. All I do is sign for the reindeer steroids, and then it's just me and the ********ing Russian Air Force!

That's interesting, I didn't know-

There's only room for ONE Red killing machine on Christmas!

It's a very- wait, killing machine?

Sometimes, Santa's gotta regulate.

That's a little-

Then by 12:20, I'm pounding the leftover Christmas ale watching elf porn, while the Commies are whining "Wait 'til next year" like a ********ing Leafs fan. Good ********ing times.

Okay, that's something I didn't-

Kidding! ********, I'm kidding you! Lighten up! 'Tis the season! I haven't killed a Russian in, gotta be three years now. Here, have some elf porn. Look at the pointy ears on that one, huh?

Well, we should really get on with the presentation. Now, I've been giving out the CONCACAF Player of the Year award for a few years-

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I looked at your list.

Did you check it twice?

Shut the ******** up. I looked at your list. Pretty heavy on the Yanks, considering you didn't learn to kick the ball forwards until the year 2001. There are other countries in the region, you ********ing BIGOT.

Okay, why don't you tell us who you voted for this year.

DE RO! DEEEEEEEE RO!

Okay, seriously-

DE RO! Now and forever! Best ********ing player ever.

Oh, come on, Toronto didn't even make the playoffs, and De Rosario didn't-

******** you, Seppo! THIS IS OUR HOUSE!

I'm gonna need a little more than "seppo" in order to-

You know what "seppo" means, don't you?

I know what it means.

Seppo. Septic tank. Yank.

I said I know what it means.

At least De Rosario can make a PENALTY KICK when it COUNTS.

This isn't 2007, you know.

No, it isn't! In 2007, you needed the refs' help for the Gold Cup! Refs didn't help you this year, huh? Bet you couldn't hear the whistle over all the Mexicans yelling "BOHICA!"

But the Gold Cup-

You know what "BOHICA" means, don't you?


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I know what it means.

It means "Bend Over - Here It Comes Again!" HO HO HO!

I know what it means. I just think the Confederations Cup trumps the Gold Cup.

Are you ****ting me? Did you SEE the Nads in group play?

Yeah, I did! Did you see them against Spain and Brazil?

Uh, I saw the SECOND HALF of the Brazil game!

All right, what about the Hex? Where was Canada?

******** YOU, that's where we were!

Okay, if you're going to be like that-

******** you, ******** Landon Donovan, ******** Obama, and in case you didn't hear, ******** YOU!

What happened to "You better not shout"?

You're getting coal in your stocking next year. Straight from my heart, ********er! You know what coal in your stocking is? It's a bullet from a ********ing gun, ********er! You receive coal in your stocking from me, and you're ********ed forever! You understand, ********? I'll send you straight to hell, ********er!... In dreams... I walk with you. In dreams... I talk to you. In dreams, you're mine... all the time. Forever.

...what the hell was that?

It's from my one-man tribute to David Lynch. I call it "Red Velvet."


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You're a strange person.

At least I don't have a ********ing man-crush on Landon ********ing Donovan. If I ever need a brown-nosed reindeer, I'll know who to call.

Do you even have a vote for Women's Player of the Year?

Sinclair! Best player ever!

You didn't see the Gold Pride this year, did you?

The what?

That's what I thought.

Oh, I suppose you're going to give it to Hope Solo.

No, I'm going with Rampone.

But the United Seppo Soccer Federation gave the award to Hope Solo.

Well, they don't take into account WPS.

You know what "seppo" means, don't you?

I do. You said already.

Well, how come when Landon wins your fed's award, it counts, but when Solo does, it doesn't?

Because I think US Soccer gave Hope Solo this award as an apology for what happened in the 2007 World Cup. She was a pariah, now she's back in the-

BOR-RING.

Okay, well, congratulations to Landon and Christie-

Sinclair?

Rampone. Christie. Not Christine.

And DE RO!

Not De Rosario.

With a lifetime achievement award for Danny Dichio!

Thanks for joining us.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!

If you're like us and traveling the winter-walloped East Coast countryside, taking in the mountains, creepy rednecks and barely in cellphone range let alone near a computer, safe travels to you. If you are not and therefore cursed to watch England's Premier Football League, The English Premier League, on a day on which the English traditionally box up their Christmas presents and store them away for next year; well there should be mildly interesting football to watch.

This could very well be the weekend of the "upset." 6's and 7's, for one, will be slogging down long stretches of I-95 and we're not looking forward to it. An ocean away Birmingham City could have a chance to scalp Chelsea who are looking quite poor at the moment. This is Didier Drogba's last game before taking off for the African Cup of Nations.

Burnley shouldn't be in the position to be favorites over Bolton but are only because they are constantly referred to as "plucky Burnley."

The only upset at Upton Park would be if West Ham and Portsmouth both lost. Both teams look like being relegated so it probably doesn't matter anyway.

Roberto Mancini might be upset to realize he indeed took the job at Manchester City and will thus be asked to manage Manchester City, chain of fools that they are. They face Stoke, and only the great snow-belsik knows, or really cares who upsets whom.

David Moyes could be happy, if just for a fleeting moment, to see his side upset Sunderland who haven't won in five. Everton are winless in six though, so on second thought maybe Moyes' misery continues.

Even if Mick McCarthy doesn't play his first team XI we still have a feeling Wolves could upset Liverpool at Anfield. Rafa is quickly losing his grip on the team and reality, having taken to weird, sarcastic post-match interviews.

Fulham and Tottenham have both looked dangerous lately so the only upset in this fixture would be a 0-0 draw.

Arsenal host Aston Villa on Sunday and Arsene Wenger might have to get quite upset at halftime to spur his team past Villa who are playing tidy and effective football as of late.

And last but not least Phil Brown will not be best pleased that he can't rest some first teamers for the dead rubber that is his Hull City hosting the champions Manchester United.

Here is a little ditty from my youth.




We all have our differences, but we are all united by our love for our families, and our love of the beautiful game. I couldn't think of better example to show this than this video. Hoping that you and yours have a safe and happy holiday.

With only 6 points from 5 games, Mexico’s margin for error in the 2nd leg of the Hex was almost non-existent. Luckily for Javier Aguirre, CONCACAF’s Gold Cup was scheduled in between. He used the Gold Cup not to find cohesiveness with established players, but to find a new foundation of players from which to build the Tri. And for that, of course, he was heavily criticized in Mexico.

After 3 games, some lingering questions are becoming clearer. A few players have impressed, others are wasting the opportunity, and the rudderless ship that has been mired in a CONCACAF tempest over the past six months is showing faint signs of getting back on course. Mexico’s confidence can be classified at shaky at best, but we are starting to see the sparks of a chemistry and understanding that playing under 4 coaches in one year can easily erase.

If there was someone who needed to have a good tournament, it was Giovani Dos Santos. And he has not disappointed. He has been by far Mexico’s biggest threat on offense. Gio’s versatility up front has given Mexico something their offense hasn’t seen in a while: options.

The Gold served its purpose for Mexico, it got them playing with some form of shape and identity. But all the progress that they had made would be moot if they did not get the vital three points at home vs. the US.

To make matters worse (for me, at least), I would not be able to watch the game. I had to rely on the gamecast on my cellphone.

And with each passing screen refresh, the sweatier the palms got, and the deeper the pit in my stomach. And then I had the realization that I will have to turn off my cell phone once we are airborne. So I may not know for the next three and half hours what happened.

And this is displayed on my phone:

GOAL!! Juarez with a great hard run to the end line, drops it back to a wide open Sabah who finishes decisively. 2-1 Mexico.

The 2-1 victory over the US was huge, but when it was all said and done after match day 6, Mexico was right where they were at the beginning of the day: 4th place. They had to get points outside of Azteca, and they had to get more away points than Honduras. In CONCACAF, losing on the road is tolerated so long as you win at home. But losses at home have devastating consequences.

Costa Rica vs. Mexico. If Costa Rica lose this game, they will go from 1st to 4th just like that. Don’t think it can’t happen. Mexico won here back in 2005, and tied in their previous 2 other Hex games. For the first time all hex, Mexico will be playing a game where the pressure is on their opponents more than them.

Mexico made sure Costa Rica felt the pressure, and even ceded them possession for the better part of the game. They picked their spots to attack, and did so ruthlessly.

Thanks to Giovani Dos Santos.

Giovani Dos Santos added two sublime assists to his goal as Mexico crushed Costa Rica, 3-0. The win put Mexico into the qualifying zone and sent Costa Rica tumbling from first to fourth, with limited opportunities to crawl their way out. If Mexico is to qualify for the world cup, we’ll point to as the catalyst, the game that Giovani Dos Santos fireman-carried Mexico to South Africa. Just as Temo did in Jamaica eight years earlier.

It was the best individual performance of the Hex, and it put Mexico on the fast track to South Africa. Unfortunately for Gio, he was injured in a Carling Cup game not soon after and is just now getting back to action. Mexico needs him healthy and logging minutes. He’ll get his minutes, but something tells me he’ll be getting ‘em on loan in Pompy after Christmas.

After the Costa Rica victory, qualification to the world cup seemed merely a formality: Mexico sneaked past Honduras and were not going to be denied against El Salvador. Javier Aguirre found the right mix of players without having to resort to the same tired mix of veterans who had stagnated the team. Amazingly, these are the same players the Mexican media pleaded for before, and continue to politic for now.

Let us not forget, though, that Aguirre came in to clean up a horrible mess. The suits in charge of the FMF hastened decisions that were based on everything but the action on the field, and it almost cost them the ticket they covet most. They were lucky that Aguirre fell into their laps. He bailed them out.

The most memorable image for me in this 2009 was after Mexico had beaten the US at the Azteca. The FMF suits were celebrating like they had won the world cup. They tried to bring Aguirre into their celebratory frenzy. He would have none of it.
To me, he was telling them that they had won nothing, and he was there for the players and the fans. Not for them. They want him to stick around for 2014.

He’s not that crazy.

Not called in

I've taken a good, long look at the roster Bob has called in for Camp Fun, and I feel really good about them. This is a team that could easily challenge Columbus in the East next year.



"Gosh," thought I. "The US national team is as officially deep as the Jacuzzi in Barbie's Malibu Dream House." Well, apparently along with the players we've been cursing/cheering/both simultaneously over the past couple of years, players for clubs in season have also been left off. So trying to figure out where these thirty players stand in relation to, say, Torres or Orozco or Adu is a fool's errand.

Fortunately, I am at your service.

I didn't think it was still possible for the US national team to call into camp someone I've never heard of, but the name Alejandro Bedoya does not ring a bell. I hope next July in South Africa he's grabbing microphones doused in champagne and ranting about how people didn't believe in him, and more power to him. Wikipedia via Google (I work so hard at research) tells me he's 22, and nearly made the Olympic team in 2008.

Gonna go ahead and put Bedoya in as a longshot to make the roster, but every one of this roster is riding a dark horse, so to speak. Some of these guys might simply be too early - my fellow Galaxy fans and I, for example, are just going nuts about Omar Gonzalez. Presumably Houston fans feel the same about Cameron, Revs fans about Alson, and DCU fans about Pontius. I hope we're all correct - the US needs depth and new blood worse than an anorexic vampire.*

There's also the MLS veterans who are being shown the brass ring for maybe the last time. Rimando, Beckerman, Cunningham, Davis and Larentowicz are the names that jump out here. Larentowicz apparently hasn't even been called in before, let alone capped. Red Bulls and Fire fans are probably JUST FINE with that, of course.

Similar but slightly less heartwarming stories surround the guys who are either at the twilight of their storied careers, or whose storied careers took a turn for the Roy Lassiter. Feilhaber was once a hero of the Gold Cup, back in the distant past when the US won the Gold Cup. It hasn't even been a full freaking year since Kljestan scored a hat trick in the January friendly. Heath Pearce was once America's best left back, according to respected soccer observer Heath Pearce.

My personal favorite callup here is Brandon McDonald. Kicked out of Los Angeles in favor of the youth movement of Dema Kovalenko and Stefani Miglioranizi,** caught the falling star of the San Jose Earthquakes, but by golly didn't give up, and here he is today. I hope he absolutely tears it up. Even if he doesn't, he started the year out of MLS entirely, and ended it with the chance to represent his country. A small chance, but nevertheless, a chance.***

We'll see who has the chance to become this year's Frankie Hejduk (or, this year's Chad Deering) - the guy who comes out of nowhere and makes the roster. The three guys likely to survive this camp and friendly are Conor Casey and the two Crew players.

Well, and Jonathan Bornstein, who I assume Bradley thinks more highly of than default stopgap placeholder. Bornstein's going to be tricky to evaluate, though, what with the Honduras fans and players are going to stop play to carry him on their shoulders in a victory lap.

By the way, thinking ahead to the January friendly - what these players need to avoid doing at all costs? Scoring a hat trick. If Kljestan doesn't remind the other campers of the curse that carries, I'm sure Larentowicz can tell cautionary tales of Taylor Twellman.

*Wait, do vampire coffins have to be buried necessarily? That simile makes zero sense otherwise. God, that's too bad, I was so pleased with myself when I thought of it. Meh, I'll leave it in, no one will notice - note to myself, erase this footnote.

**Yes, both of whom had good seasons. Let's you and I follow up on this move and see how happy the Galaxy are with it around, say, August? Trading the future for the past can have a bad effect, like the Findley for Klein move, oh hey, look who's also being called in.

***If McDonald and Kljestan were to come into contact, would they cancel each other out in an explosion of upside and anti-upside?