You might be a Grad Student if...

1.you actually take the time to compile a “you might be a grad student if...” list and then begin silently crying because it is WAY too personal

2.you think you should be paying rent for your office/library chair instead of your home.

3.you bring alcohol to the lab/library/office.

4.your office is better decorated than your apartment.

5.you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

6.you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

7.you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

8.you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

9.you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

10.you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".

11.you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

12.you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.

13.you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."

14.you are thinking "I'll be golden in 2012...just you wait and see

15.you cross the "gender" box off of a government form and write sex above and check the appropriate F box

16.you get irresistible urges to use in-text citations in casual e-mails.

17.you start referring to stories like "Snow white, et al"

18.you have a coffee maker, phone charger, and food in a lab.

19.you have a janitor-like collection of university keys.

20.you write programs for classes that have nothing to do with programming.

21.you look at undergrads and long for the "simple life"

22.you refer to late work as an "ongoing project"

23.you “fill up your car” with 75 cents worth of gas

24.you procrastinate on one project by working on another project.

25.you are staying in school simply to avoid paying off the tens of thousands of dollars you owe the government in student loans. <twitch, twitch>

26.you are working on one thing but feeling guilty that you aren't working on the other thing.

27.you think your communication with God would be cited under “interview”

28.your significant other (who's not a grad student) says that they thought your Chicago Manual of Style was about fashion and you piss your pants laughing about it and tell that story to all other grad students for months and months and every time still find it funny.

29.you can't calculate a mean unless you're using SPSS or SAS

30.you buy the 2nd copy of your thesis to be burned at the "after thesis" party to which 3 other people show up--your roommate who can't remember your name because you hardly spend any time at your house, your neighbor who's there for the free booze, and the significant other who has somehow has managed to stick it out w/ you for the process.

31.Your roommate forgets she has a roommate but wonders where all the peanut butter has gone.

32.the only style you recognize anymore is APA Style

33.You might be a grad student if you feel slightly sick whenever the thought occurs to you that the entirety of your thesis will be read by a maximum of five people: your advisor, an external examiner, a selfless friend editing the spelling mistakes and perhaps one or two nerds who - for some reason or another - are interested in the same stuff as you. The feeling of sickness is soon accompanied with the related question "Is it really worth all this???"

34.you might be a grad student if you choose beverages on the basis of caffeine concentration

35.you cannot see the surface of your office desk anymore because it is covered in books, photocopied/printed articles, printed spreadsheets/graphs, half-eaten junk food, at least three empty cups of coffee stained in various colorations and a half-full cup of coffee, pens, worn-out computer and a calendar marking the days left until you have to hand in the thesis.

36.free food is the high point of your day.

37.people (non-grad students) ask you "Are you going to be done soon?" and you laugh but inside a little part of you dies.

38.the local coffee shop experiences a "noticeable" decline in profits should you leave the city for more than 4 days.

39.you refer to a particular microfiche reader in the library as "yours" and get annoyed if you find someone else on it when you go to use it.

40.you sleep in your office/lab (in a sleeping bag) and shower at the school gym because it's more convenient to stay the night (while running a sim or analyzing data) than to go home and come back.

41.14 hours a day on campus is typical, even on an elusive day known as Saturday.

42.sleeping in means sleeping until 8:30

43.you don’t remember the definition of “evenings” or “weekends.” You've been told that they exist, but you are highly skeptical.

44. the books on your desk are piled so high that people cannot see you sitting at your desk

45. the area under your desk is never vacuumed because you are occupying your desk when the cleaners vacuum at 4am

46. you know Denise, Kevin, and Carlos, the security and cleaning personnel personally because they're your only company when you work through holidays and nights in the library

47. you pick up a little Spanish from saying hello to the janitor every night, and the first thing she teaches you to say is "I’m very tired"

48. you get hate mail notes on your desk by undergrads complaining about your extended occupation of a library desk

49. you can't help but sigh with envy when you overhear undergrads stress over 10 pg final papers in the elevator

50. you find comfort, company, and solace in visiting Facebook/Myspace in the wee hours of the cold morning in the library all alone

51. you consider power bar + extra large coffee a proper lunch/dinner

52. you procrastinate by counting the number of empty coffee cups on your desk

53. you sleep with your laptop at your bedside.

54. all of your office plants die because you procrastinate on your thesis by watering your plants (note: for those of you still wondering, plants do not need to be watered 4 times a day)

55. you can no longer count the number of times you have fallen asleep and woken up with "QWERTY" imprinted on your forehead

56. you have figured out the exact way to balance your head on your hand so you can take a nap during a lecture while making the professor thinks you are looking at a piece of paper.

57. the number of library books that you have checked out at one time= 20 library books checked out from two university libraries, 2 books on hold, 2 books from a different state, and 2 books borrowed from professors... and then you wonder why you are online instead of reading them...

58. you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

59. you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.

60. you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

61. everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

62. you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

63. you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.

64. you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

65. you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

66. you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.

67. professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

68. you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

69. you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

70. you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

71. you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy

72. you can identify universities by their internet domains.

73. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.

74. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.

75. you understand jokes about Foucault.

76. the concept of free time scares you.

77. you consider caffeine to be a major food group.

78. you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.

79. Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.

80. the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.

81. you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.

82. you appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.

83. you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).

84. you can read course books and cook at the same time.

85. you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.

86. you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.

87. you've ever worn out a library card.

88. you find taking notes in a park relaxing.

89. you find yourself citing sources in conversation.

90. you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

91. you have a favorite flavor of instant noodle.

92. you have ever said (and meant) “I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.”

93. you spend more on books than on tuition.

94. you actually _hope_ your professor assigns homework.

95. you get a 3-hour final with 5 questions or less.

96. you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open.

97. you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers.

98. your professors know your home phone number.

99. more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."

100. you are on a first-name basis with everyone on the library staff.

101. And lastly, you might be a grad student if you actually take the time to compile a “you might be a grad student if...” list and then begin silently crying

and even more:

102. You ask for Endnote for your birthday/Christmas gift from your family

103. You hear a group of undergrads grousing about their professor... and you sympathize with the prof instead of the students

104. You finally go out for a night on the town with friends and take along some reading material (for your next class session) "just in case there is a little 'down' time"
Thanks everybody for chipping in, and specially Raub Vogel for putting this all together.

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
(Thanks Stephen Peterson)

A brief guide to scientific literature:

It has long been known == I haven’t bothered to check the references.

It is known == I believe.

It is believed == I think.

It is generally believed == My colleagues and I think.

There has been some discussion == Nobody agrees with me.

It can be shown == Take my word for it.

It is proven == It agrees with something mathematical.

Of great theoretical importance == I find it interesting.

Of great practical importance == This justifies my employment.

Of great historical importance == This ought to make me famous.

Some samples were chosen for study == The others didn't make sense.

Typical results are shown == The best results are shown.

Correct within order of magnitude == Wrong.

The values were obtained empirically == The values were obtained by accident.

The results are inconclusive == The results seem to disprove my hypothesis.

Additional work is required == Someone else can work on the details.

It might be argued that == I have a good answer to this objection.

The investigations proved rewarding == My grant has been renewed.

Synthesized according to standard protocols == Purchased.

http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~rchin/humorous/science.humor.html

Thanks Yuwen Zhang (Rutgers) for finding and posting this!! (read less)

You might be a Grad Student if...

1.you actually take the time to compile a “you might be a grad student if...” list and then begin silently crying because it is WAY too personal

2.you think you should be paying rent for your office/library chair instead of your home.

3.you bring alcohol to the lab/library/office.

4.your office is better decorated than your apartment.

5.you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

6.you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your... (read more)