To all current and future ministers who either have-or plan to have-families:

We've all heard stories about "preacher's kids". Perhaps you've known one. Perhaps you, minister, may be one yourself. While the phrase often brings up stereotypical humor, for most "preachers' kids": it brings up pain. Pain they're often terrified to talk about, for risk of making the church or their minister parents "look bad".

The thing about the pain is: it's needless. It's arisen from an unhealthy blurring of boundaries between the minister's family and the church that they serve. Many in the ministry have just assumed that this blurring of boundaries and the resulting pain simply come with the calling. But they don't have to. Saddest of all: congregations don't even realize the pain they're unintentionally causing ministers' families by blurring these boundaries.

What if we could change things? What if we could give preacher's kids a totally different experience? As the church enters the 21st Century, I say we create that new experience by MAKING A PLEDGE.

I'm asking all current and future ministers to pledge the following:

1) "THE CHURCH I SERVE WILL NOT BE MY FAMILY'S CHURCH HOME."

Ministers are very adamant about drawing proper boundaries at the churches they serve. However, having their family attend the same church they serve is a violation of proper boundaries, for two reasons:

FIRST, if a PK attends the same church their parent serves-and this is especially true in rural churches where the parent is the only minister-they are being put in a situation where their parent is ALSO their minister. This is a dangerous blurring of the boundaries ministers should have, and can be incredibly confusing to children in their spiritual development. If a minister wants their family-especially their child-to be spiritually fed, they should send them to another church where they can have a pastor who is not related to them.

To put it another way: Doctors are advised against operating on family, psychologists are advised against counseling family, lawyers are advised against defending family. Why? Because providing such services to members of one's family is blurring the needed boundaries of that vocation. A minister should be no different. For example, it would be inappropriate for a minister to be as emotionally and/or sexually involved with a parishoner as they would be with their spouse/partner. Is it not just as inappropriate, then, to be minister to ONE'S OWN spouse/partner?

SECOND, if a PK attends the same church their parent serves, it encourages the CONGREGATION to blur proper ministry boundaries. Seeing the family WITH the minister consistently, the congregation will inevitably view the family as extensions of that minister. Once these boundaries blur, the congregation will take sore advantage of them, piling expectation after expectation on the minister's family. Soon enough, the family will be sucked into the pressure of "looking perfect" and being superhuman instead of being a healthy family. Caught up in fulfilling these expectations, PK's won't have the room to be kids, to take their own spiritual journeys, and-especially-discern what call God would have for THEM. PK’s do not choose to be born into a ministry family, nor are they necessarily called to it (though some may feel called to be ministers themselves later on). PK’s deserve to be kept out of the spotlight, out of “the fishbowl” of their parent’s church, as much as possible.

Asking this doesn’t reduce the importance of their parent’s call; rather, it enables that call to be served more fully. If a minister’s family is happy and well-adjusted, so will the minister be, and thusly be better equipped to serve their community. The children of ministers should have the choice to go to whatever church they want, or not at all. Every other child has this choice (or at least, they should). PK’s deserve it, too. Ultimately: it's in a PK's best interest to have a church home OTHER THAN the church their parent serves.

Now...many congregations (especially smaller ones) will take issue with Pledge #1. In order for you to stick to it, you'll need to make Pledge #2:

2) "GOD FIRST, FAMILY SECOND, CAREER THIRD."

The church a minister serves is their WORKPLACE. Therefore, it's their career. Therefore, it's THIRD. By calling the church a “workplace”, it's not to reduce its importance. Quite the opposite. God calls everyone to their jobs, their vocations. For this reason, ministry is not above any other workplace, it is equal to it. And for this reason, every workplace is sacred. Thus, the church a minister serves is their called to, sacred: workplace. And it 's THIRD.

Because God and a minister's particular career are so intertwined, it's often easy, as a minister, to switch them on the priority list. Once they're switched, the priorities are soon forgotten. Once the priorities are forgotten: the boundaries blur. Blurred boundaries, as we recall, lead to all of the problems that break Pledge #1.

-Ergo: If a minister's church has a problem with Pledge #1, they should politely remind the church of Pledge #2. And if a church ever asks a minister to choose between them and their family, the choice should be easy.

If you, future (and current) ministers, sign this pledge, we can create a new generation of happy "preacher's kids", and put the minister's family back in priority where it belongs. And ultimately: if the minister and the minister's family are happy and spiritually fed, the church will be happy and spiritually fed: and better served.

Please post your name on the wall as promise of honoring this pledge. Then, invite every minister you know to join this group and sign the pledge as well. I'll also be starting one of these groups on MySpace.

Thank you, all.

(image courtesy of Google) (read less)

To all current and future ministers who either have-or plan to have-families:

We've all heard stories about "preacher's kids". Perhaps you've known one. Perhaps you, minister, may be one yourself. While the phrase often brings up stereotypical humor, for most "preachers' kids": it brings up pain. Pain they're often terrified to talk about, for risk of making the church or their minister parents "look bad".

The thing about the pain is: it's needless. It's arisen from an unhealthy... (read more)