The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 22
Chapter 22
- You are telling me I will die?
- I had no intention of telling you, actually. You found out by yourself.
- And it will happen… Today?
- No doubt about it.
- What makes you so sure?
- “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included,” has never failed.
- Never?
- Never.
- A little mistake here and there, maybe?
- No. I can only tell you that one year it was released with a cover a truly appalling shade of purple, but I wouldn’t call that a mistake.
- Say what you want: I will not die today.
- It seems quite a daring thing to say.
- I know I will not die today: I feel great.
- It doesn’t mean anything: even leaving health issues aside, there are tens of thousands of other ways to die.
- Okay, let’s put it this way: today, I refuse to die in any way.
- Can’t you smell gas?
- As a matter of fact, yes, I do, how do you know?
- That’s typical. I strongly advice you to turn the gas tap off.
- I didn’t leave it open.
- Go and check.
- It was open.
- As I was telling you before, “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails.
- I don’t cook, I never eat at home and have an electric boiler: I am sure I haven’t used gas.
- Believe me: there must be a reason why “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails.
- We all make mistakes.
- Not in this case: the editors who draw up the directory are so touchy that they accurately check that every single word they write is absolutely truthful.
- And what’s the difference between them and any other journalist from the universe?
- The difference is that they try to make happen what they write about.
- Are you trying to tell me they intend to kill me?
- Now, don’t overreact: they are only creating the suitable conditions for you to die accidentally.
- But I didn’t hear anybody walking into the house.
- That’s quite obvious: they are pros, they know what they are doing.
- Who are you talking about?
- About the polishmen, obviously.
- And who are they?
- Policemen who polish: they get there, do the dirty job and go away without leaving a trace.
- In brief, if I got it right, I am the “dirty job”, and these blokes are killers.
- I suppose they don’t like being called that way, but, you know, I don’t think anybody has ever had the time to call them anything. There’s this saying on my planet that goes: “First thing baby’s dummy, last polishman whammy ”.
- Does that rhyme also in your language?
- No: I took the liberty of adapting it to yours, keeping the consonance.
- Is there a reason why, in your opinion, a soap bar is lying on the floor in the middle of the corridor that leads to the bathroom?
- I would say I have just explained the reason to you.
- And I guess that also explains why the soap bar is of the same colour as the floor, perfectly camouflaged.
- Exactly.
- You mean that those uncovered electrical wires that are brushing against the living room’s carpet were not there before?
- I suppose they weren’t there before.
- Very well: I think I’m going to get right out of this house.
- I strongly advice you against doing it. Unless, of course, you wish to be run over by a bus as you are regularly walking on the zebra crossing; hit by a vase fallen accidentally from a balcony; shot by a stray bullet from a robbery taking place two blocks away; stung in the jugular by a hornet; crushed by a meteorite; torn into pieces by a…
- Okay, I got the message.
- Let me be totally frank: you are only postponing a sure event. If you survived today you would be the first living being of this galaxy to have had the upper hand of “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)”.
- Is it absolutely necessary to repeat the whole title every single time?
- Of course it is. The publishers are quite strict on the matter and you, at this point, will have also realized why nobody feels this incredible urge to complain.
- Could you hang on a second?
- Sure.
- …
- …
- Here I am... Thank you.
- Have you got a problem?
- If with “a problem” you mean a rather heavy chandelier that has crashed on the floor without a reason right after I passed underneath it, well, in that case, yes, I would say I have a problem.
- Hey, they are really dusting off all the classics!
- You know what their next moves will be?
- Have they already replaced bottled water with fluoridric acid?
- How can I tell without tasting it?
- Fluoridric acid is one of the few substances capable of corroding glass. Check the bottles in the fridge: did they become opaque?
- I think so: they are turning white.
- It means they are about to melt. My advice is to take them outside, possibly holding your breath while you do it.
- Is the balcony okay?
- The balcony could do.
- Done. I guess I will have to start drinking only tap water.
- You could, sure… if they haven’t polluted the water system with Polonium yet.
- You think they have?
- I would almost assume they have. Don’t make water run: Polonium is an extremely toxic radioactive compound. You need only three nanograms to kill a terrestrial. And they are usually rather heavy-handed for that matter… What was that noise?
- It was just the bottles on the balcony liquefying, giving off a cloud of smoke.
- In a few minutes you will have to part also from your balcony.
- How many chances are there, I’m not saying for me to stay alive, but for them not to blow up the whole neighbourhood in an attempt to polish me off?
- Let’s say the polishmen are quite determined people who won’t settle for a draw.
- Forgive me for bringing this up, but you seem rather calm in consideration of the fact that until a few minutes ago you were claiming I was the only hope of survival for your species.
- In the meantime I had time to think, you know.
- About what?
- Remember when I told you that “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails?
- I think you have told me a dozen times so far.
- Well, I should have kept that in mind when I gathered that, since you have answered my call, and the number was right but the year was wrong, there had to be a mistake or a contact.
- But?
- But no. The TimeCallTM with Genesis option has a peculiarity: it tracks down the owner of the line on the day of its activation.
- And so?
- The year was the right one. Even the day was the right one: quite simply, today you will die, and the telephone company will reassign the line to those who should have been the receivers of this call, that is to say, the call centre of the company that has regularly sold us the Earth.
- I hate having to ask, since I have the feeling I am getting into serious trouble, but what does all this mean?
- It means that, for a number of reasons, among which the fact that it’s not nice to irritate the publishers of “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” and, last but not least, the survival of my species, it is absolutely inescapable – I would dare to say essential – that you die, today.
- I had no intention of telling you, actually. You found out by yourself.
- And it will happen… Today?
- No doubt about it.
- What makes you so sure?
- “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included,” has never failed.
- Never?
- Never.
- A little mistake here and there, maybe?
- No. I can only tell you that one year it was released with a cover a truly appalling shade of purple, but I wouldn’t call that a mistake.
- Say what you want: I will not die today.
- It seems quite a daring thing to say.
- I know I will not die today: I feel great.
- It doesn’t mean anything: even leaving health issues aside, there are tens of thousands of other ways to die.
- Okay, let’s put it this way: today, I refuse to die in any way.
- Can’t you smell gas?
- As a matter of fact, yes, I do, how do you know?
- That’s typical. I strongly advice you to turn the gas tap off.
- I didn’t leave it open.
- Go and check.
- It was open.
- As I was telling you before, “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails.
- I don’t cook, I never eat at home and have an electric boiler: I am sure I haven’t used gas.
- Believe me: there must be a reason why “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails.
- We all make mistakes.
- Not in this case: the editors who draw up the directory are so touchy that they accurately check that every single word they write is absolutely truthful.
- And what’s the difference between them and any other journalist from the universe?
- The difference is that they try to make happen what they write about.
- Are you trying to tell me they intend to kill me?
- Now, don’t overreact: they are only creating the suitable conditions for you to die accidentally.
- But I didn’t hear anybody walking into the house.
- That’s quite obvious: they are pros, they know what they are doing.
- Who are you talking about?
- About the polishmen, obviously.
- And who are they?
- Policemen who polish: they get there, do the dirty job and go away without leaving a trace.
- In brief, if I got it right, I am the “dirty job”, and these blokes are killers.
- I suppose they don’t like being called that way, but, you know, I don’t think anybody has ever had the time to call them anything. There’s this saying on my planet that goes: “First thing baby’s dummy, last polishman whammy ”.
- Does that rhyme also in your language?
- No: I took the liberty of adapting it to yours, keeping the consonance.
- Is there a reason why, in your opinion, a soap bar is lying on the floor in the middle of the corridor that leads to the bathroom?
- I would say I have just explained the reason to you.
- And I guess that also explains why the soap bar is of the same colour as the floor, perfectly camouflaged.
- Exactly.
- You mean that those uncovered electrical wires that are brushing against the living room’s carpet were not there before?
- I suppose they weren’t there before.
- Very well: I think I’m going to get right out of this house.
- I strongly advice you against doing it. Unless, of course, you wish to be run over by a bus as you are regularly walking on the zebra crossing; hit by a vase fallen accidentally from a balcony; shot by a stray bullet from a robbery taking place two blocks away; stung in the jugular by a hornet; crushed by a meteorite; torn into pieces by a…
- Okay, I got the message.
- Let me be totally frank: you are only postponing a sure event. If you survived today you would be the first living being of this galaxy to have had the upper hand of “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)”.
- Is it absolutely necessary to repeat the whole title every single time?
- Of course it is. The publishers are quite strict on the matter and you, at this point, will have also realized why nobody feels this incredible urge to complain.
- Could you hang on a second?
- Sure.
- …
- …
- Here I am... Thank you.
- Have you got a problem?
- If with “a problem” you mean a rather heavy chandelier that has crashed on the floor without a reason right after I passed underneath it, well, in that case, yes, I would say I have a problem.
- Hey, they are really dusting off all the classics!
- You know what their next moves will be?
- Have they already replaced bottled water with fluoridric acid?
- How can I tell without tasting it?
- Fluoridric acid is one of the few substances capable of corroding glass. Check the bottles in the fridge: did they become opaque?
- I think so: they are turning white.
- It means they are about to melt. My advice is to take them outside, possibly holding your breath while you do it.
- Is the balcony okay?
- The balcony could do.
- Done. I guess I will have to start drinking only tap water.
- You could, sure… if they haven’t polluted the water system with Polonium yet.
- You think they have?
- I would almost assume they have. Don’t make water run: Polonium is an extremely toxic radioactive compound. You need only three nanograms to kill a terrestrial. And they are usually rather heavy-handed for that matter… What was that noise?
- It was just the bottles on the balcony liquefying, giving off a cloud of smoke.
- In a few minutes you will have to part also from your balcony.
- How many chances are there, I’m not saying for me to stay alive, but for them not to blow up the whole neighbourhood in an attempt to polish me off?
- Let’s say the polishmen are quite determined people who won’t settle for a draw.
- Forgive me for bringing this up, but you seem rather calm in consideration of the fact that until a few minutes ago you were claiming I was the only hope of survival for your species.
- In the meantime I had time to think, you know.
- About what?
- Remember when I told you that “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” never fails?
- I think you have told me a dozen times so far.
- Well, I should have kept that in mind when I gathered that, since you have answered my call, and the number was right but the year was wrong, there had to be a mistake or a contact.
- But?
- But no. The TimeCallTM with Genesis option has a peculiarity: it tracks down the owner of the line on the day of its activation.
- And so?
- The year was the right one. Even the day was the right one: quite simply, today you will die, and the telephone company will reassign the line to those who should have been the receivers of this call, that is to say, the call centre of the company that has regularly sold us the Earth.
- I hate having to ask, since I have the feeling I am getting into serious trouble, but what does all this mean?
- It means that, for a number of reasons, among which the fact that it’s not nice to irritate the publishers of “The Great Telephone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets (Jupiter not included)” and, last but not least, the survival of my species, it is absolutely inescapable – I would dare to say essential – that you die, today.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved