The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 23
Chapter 23
- I am truly sorry, but I have to warn you: I am about to hang up.
- Hold on a second, let's talk...
- We have been doing that for quite a few hours now.
- As if I didn’t know! But before you said that your species is renowned for its infinite patience.
- No doubt about it, and I think I have clearly proven it.
- ...And the people out there, they don't seem to be in a hurry, do they?
- No, they are not actually... I must admit, however, that in the last three hours some of them have started looking a bit puzzled.
- Really?
- Let's say that their smiles are a little less trustful. One of them in particular, in row 467,979, has started beating the time tapping his foot. It's such an incredible nuisance.
- I can imagine.
- This is one of the reasons why at this point, thanking you for the time you have dedicated me, I think I will say goodbye. Besides, I hear you are breathing heavily...
- I am fighting with a tarantula that has sneaked in inexplicably, and I can't find the bug spray anywhere.
- This doesn’t account for your heavy breathing.
- It’s not easy to find it while a 10-feet boa constrictor is trying to crush your leg.
- As you may have noticed, polishmen are rather persistent, and this, considering that you have – at the most – a few minutes left before you die, makes me think that it would be rather useless to carry on with this otherwise pleasant conversation.
- I have no intention of giving up.
- It's just a waste of time, believe me.
- I am absolutely not ready to die.
- No?
- No. Who is, then?
- From what you have told me, all those who believe there is a better place to go to should be impatient to die.
- Well, I don’t believe in all that. And they don’t seem too keen on the idea of having to die either.
- Besides, you don’t even have a wife, or children, someone who may feel desperate if you disappear.
- Well, maybe there is somebody at the Ladbroke Arms who would be at least a little sorry.
- Somebody... where?
- At the Ladbroke Arms, my local pub. I eat there every single day, lunch and dinner
- It’s the place with the sea bass you were telling me about?
- Exactly.
- A place where, if I remember well, you can’t help stammering every time the waitress starts talking to you.
- And so what? That’s because I’m in love with her.
- Oh.
- Why you say “Oh”?
- It’s something we hear all the time, but we cannot really grasp its meaning.
- What do you mean with “we”?
- My entire species: our more skilled scientists have tried to study it to understand its meaning for years, to no avail.
- So you don’t fall in love?
- I guess we could, if only we knew what it means.
- Well, I could explain to you what it means, but you have just said you must hang up…
- Well, I really think that five more minutes will not make any difference. As long as you stay alive in the meantime, of course.
- Look, while we were speaking I have counted at least six other different attempts on my life, even if I must admit that the traps on the bed were easy to detect, as were, all things considered, the scorpions inside my shoes. The crossbow shot coming from outside, well, that really took me off my guard.
- Did it hit you?
- No, but the big wild boar at the door who was about to take a run-up in my direction doesn't look so well: it’s here, on the living room carpet, rolled over on its side, bleeding. Besides, - if the arrow hadn't been enough - the carpet electrocuted it instantly.
- They introduced a wild boar into your house? It's not in their style to employ big-sized animals.
- You want me to believe that a wild boar was accidentally passing by and was unlucky enough to decide to enter the house of somebody they are trying to assassinate?
- Your species doesn't seem too keen on seeing coincidences for what they are, that is to say, as simple coincidences. It looks like you really need to find a transcendental explanation for something that maybe is just a little odd: what's the big deal if a wild boar goes inside a house?
- Yes, right: climbing three flights of stairs and forcing a lock?
- Are you sure it didn't have its own bunch of keys?
- The house keys? The wild boar?
- You are asking me as if I had said something bizarre.
- It's not bizarre: it's simply impossible.
- You talk like that because haven't got the faintest idea of how many animals stroll around the universe carrying the house keys with them. How could dogs, for instance, get back home after going out for a pee?
- I’ll tell you how: they go back home together with their owners.
- I have already told you, haven't I, that this thing you believe in, that a living being think it’s normal to own another living being, it's a true aberration to me?
- I think you have, but you're wrong: the thing is, dogs – like all other animals - cannot do certain thing by themselves. Opening a lock with a key is one of these things.
- What makes you so sure? Have you tried?
- Tried to do what?
- To trust them.
- How?
- Have you ever handed them the house keys to see if they are capable of going out and getting back home in total independence? Do you really think a living being would appreciate being stared at when - at best - peeing?
- No, I don't think so. But, without us, they would probably get lost.
- What makes you think they wouldn't get lost anyway?
- It's the reason why we keep them on a leash.
- What is a leash?
- It’s a sort of rope we tie round their necks so that they don’t run away.
- Hang on a second...
- Now... Don’t get me wrong...
- You know that there is a precise word also in your language to define the particular situation in which a living being is held against its will?
- Well, I know, yes, but this way you make it seem worse that what it actually is…
- It's called “kidnapping”.
- I can assure you it's a rather common thing with pets: some are kept on a leash, others are locked in cages, and others have a little box so they can do their business directly indoors.
- And what sets pets from non-pets apart ?
- The fact that pets have chosen to live at home with us, obviously.
- If they have chosen to do so, why you need to tie them or put them behind bars so that they won't run away?
- May I tell you something? You are overdoing it, as usual.
- No, hold on a second, let me finish: can you give me examples of pets?
- Well, I'd say the more common ones are dogs, cats, little birds.
- Tigers?
- No, not tigers, not exactly.
- Crocodiles?
- No, neither.
- Elephants?
- Too big.
- Accipipteros?
- We don’t have them.
- Spudpones? Meenols?
- Again, never heard of them.
- Snakes? Tarantulas? Sharks? Eagles?
- Quite dangerous, I’d say.
- Mosquitoes? Lice? Mites?
- Quite a nuisance, right?
- Now, let's do a nice recap, shall we?
- I don’t really feel like doing it, but I know I can’t avoid it.
- An animal is considered a “pet” only in the following cases: if it’s not dangerous; ugly; a parasite; too bulky to be overwhelmed; too small to be controlled; if it's not stronger than you and, in the last resort, not capable of rebelling and /or killing you.
- It seems logical.
- What, in particular, seems so logical? Taking it out on the weakest?
- I've already told you that these animals are accustomed to the cohabitation with human beings.
- Well: I am going to tell you something that you will not like.
- Hey, big news!
- There was a time when I felt pity for you, for your species and for the planet you sold us. I knew nothing about you but your language; I knew nothing at all about your habits and traditions, and I also ignored your way of thinking. Now that I know all these things, I must confess that – even if I'm still a little curious about that “falling in love” thing – I somewhat take pleasure only in thinking that in a few seconds I will hang up, condemning yourself and your co-terrestrials to extinction.
- Ftop!
- What did you say?
- Ftop, If I were you, I wouldn’t be fo ftupid to do fomething like that.
- I am sorry but I cannot understand a word of what you are saying. You are using an idiom or words that the Wiglet has not insufflated in me.
- Fee, I have juft ftepped on a rake that haf mifterioufly appeared in the living room, and the ftaff haf hit me in the face.
- I just understood that something has hit you in the face.
- Yef, yef. Blood if running down my fuperior lip.
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- Hello?
- Forgive me for showing up this way...
- Who'f that?
- Don’t worry if the voice you hear is different: I am a companion of the person who was talking to you before. I am one of the three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine waiting outside the phone booth.
- Oh, yef, I falute you!
- I just wanted to inform you that your interlocutor has fainted.
- Oh, I’m forry
- Thank you, but he looks like he will be all right soon, don’t worry.
- I am fo pleafed to hear that.
- I also benefited from the attack on the part of a Wiglet, so I understand your language.
- Fplendid.
- I wanted to take this occasion to thank you so, so much, I mean really a lot, for giving our species a chance to survive.
- Don’t mention it, pleafe, I did nothing fpecial.
- Forgive me, I didn’t get it.
- There if blood running from my fuperior lip.
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- No, not again! Hello?
- ...
- For Goodneff fake!
- I’m back, it’s me again. I have fainted, like my friend here, apparently.
- I fufpected it. Fay hello to your friend af foon af he recoverf: we fpoke very briefly but he feemed a nice chap.
- I had asked you if you could kindly avoid that blood thing...
- Yef, you have afked me. I’m forry.
- I can hardly understand what you are saying.
- I fuffer when I fpeak. I'll try to ftop ufing wordf with an “f” in them.
- No, words with an “f” seem okay. From what I hear, you seem to have a problem pronouncing words with an “s”.
- Yef, with an “f”
- No: words with an “s”, not with an “f”.
- Thif if not going to take uf anywhere, you know that?
- So, you wanted me to tell me one last thing before I hang up?
- Yef : I wanted to warn you that in thefe laft minutef I have confid... I have thought about it, and, I fay it again: you'd better not do that.
- I'd better not do… what?
- End thif converfation.
- Oh. And why not, tell me.
- You faid that the fole fort of time-travelling given permiff.. .confent... the only type of time-travelling allowed waf that at a 1x fpeed in the future, if that true?
- It is.
- Then you faid that modifying a particular detail of the prefent... of eventf occurring juft now... Liften, it’f not eafy for me, there are fo many “f’f” everywhere: you muft try to underftand me if poffible.
- I'll try. Go on.
- I waf faying that changing fomething in the prefent meanf alfo to change it in the future.
- This is also true. It’s the reason why not only it is deeply advised against, but also absolutely prohibited: it would imply a change in the course of history as we know it. Even a small, meaningless detail could affect the destiny of the entire universe.
- Yef, but in the end you faid that when you dialled my number you had only one fingle coin, if that correct?
- Yes. But I really don’t know what are you getting at.
- Fee, I waf right: you'd better not hang up. Let me explain, pleafe.
- I kindly ask you to hurry up: extinction is awaiting for you.
- I am ftepping down the ftairf.
- I am delighted to hear that, but I really can’t see how this may be of any interest whatsoever to my species.
- Don't worry, I’ll get there foon: I am about to ufe the fpade again to unbury the teapot.
- No, wait... You cannot do that!
- Of courfe I can: I am already digging the foil.
- What’s on your mind?
- Before I bury it again, I will take out the coinf that were infide and thif, if I'm not wrong, meanf that you, in the future, not only will not take poffeffion of the coin you have ufed to carry on with thif converfation, but not even of the coin you will need to ftart another converfation, the next call, the right one.
- Please, stop! What do you want from me?
- I want you not to hang up. I want you to find a folution and fave uf, or we are all going to die: me, you and your entire fpecief.
- This means you are blackmailing me?
-Yef.
- Hold on a second, let's talk...
- We have been doing that for quite a few hours now.
- As if I didn’t know! But before you said that your species is renowned for its infinite patience.
- No doubt about it, and I think I have clearly proven it.
- ...And the people out there, they don't seem to be in a hurry, do they?
- No, they are not actually... I must admit, however, that in the last three hours some of them have started looking a bit puzzled.
- Really?
- Let's say that their smiles are a little less trustful. One of them in particular, in row 467,979, has started beating the time tapping his foot. It's such an incredible nuisance.
- I can imagine.
- This is one of the reasons why at this point, thanking you for the time you have dedicated me, I think I will say goodbye. Besides, I hear you are breathing heavily...
- I am fighting with a tarantula that has sneaked in inexplicably, and I can't find the bug spray anywhere.
- This doesn’t account for your heavy breathing.
- It’s not easy to find it while a 10-feet boa constrictor is trying to crush your leg.
- As you may have noticed, polishmen are rather persistent, and this, considering that you have – at the most – a few minutes left before you die, makes me think that it would be rather useless to carry on with this otherwise pleasant conversation.
- I have no intention of giving up.
- It's just a waste of time, believe me.
- I am absolutely not ready to die.
- No?
- No. Who is, then?
- From what you have told me, all those who believe there is a better place to go to should be impatient to die.
- Well, I don’t believe in all that. And they don’t seem too keen on the idea of having to die either.
- Besides, you don’t even have a wife, or children, someone who may feel desperate if you disappear.
- Well, maybe there is somebody at the Ladbroke Arms who would be at least a little sorry.
- Somebody... where?
- At the Ladbroke Arms, my local pub. I eat there every single day, lunch and dinner
- It’s the place with the sea bass you were telling me about?
- Exactly.
- A place where, if I remember well, you can’t help stammering every time the waitress starts talking to you.
- And so what? That’s because I’m in love with her.
- Oh.
- Why you say “Oh”?
- It’s something we hear all the time, but we cannot really grasp its meaning.
- What do you mean with “we”?
- My entire species: our more skilled scientists have tried to study it to understand its meaning for years, to no avail.
- So you don’t fall in love?
- I guess we could, if only we knew what it means.
- Well, I could explain to you what it means, but you have just said you must hang up…
- Well, I really think that five more minutes will not make any difference. As long as you stay alive in the meantime, of course.
- Look, while we were speaking I have counted at least six other different attempts on my life, even if I must admit that the traps on the bed were easy to detect, as were, all things considered, the scorpions inside my shoes. The crossbow shot coming from outside, well, that really took me off my guard.
- Did it hit you?
- No, but the big wild boar at the door who was about to take a run-up in my direction doesn't look so well: it’s here, on the living room carpet, rolled over on its side, bleeding. Besides, - if the arrow hadn't been enough - the carpet electrocuted it instantly.
- They introduced a wild boar into your house? It's not in their style to employ big-sized animals.
- You want me to believe that a wild boar was accidentally passing by and was unlucky enough to decide to enter the house of somebody they are trying to assassinate?
- Your species doesn't seem too keen on seeing coincidences for what they are, that is to say, as simple coincidences. It looks like you really need to find a transcendental explanation for something that maybe is just a little odd: what's the big deal if a wild boar goes inside a house?
- Yes, right: climbing three flights of stairs and forcing a lock?
- Are you sure it didn't have its own bunch of keys?
- The house keys? The wild boar?
- You are asking me as if I had said something bizarre.
- It's not bizarre: it's simply impossible.
- You talk like that because haven't got the faintest idea of how many animals stroll around the universe carrying the house keys with them. How could dogs, for instance, get back home after going out for a pee?
- I’ll tell you how: they go back home together with their owners.
- I have already told you, haven't I, that this thing you believe in, that a living being think it’s normal to own another living being, it's a true aberration to me?
- I think you have, but you're wrong: the thing is, dogs – like all other animals - cannot do certain thing by themselves. Opening a lock with a key is one of these things.
- What makes you so sure? Have you tried?
- Tried to do what?
- To trust them.
- How?
- Have you ever handed them the house keys to see if they are capable of going out and getting back home in total independence? Do you really think a living being would appreciate being stared at when - at best - peeing?
- No, I don't think so. But, without us, they would probably get lost.
- What makes you think they wouldn't get lost anyway?
- It's the reason why we keep them on a leash.
- What is a leash?
- It’s a sort of rope we tie round their necks so that they don’t run away.
- Hang on a second...
- Now... Don’t get me wrong...
- You know that there is a precise word also in your language to define the particular situation in which a living being is held against its will?
- Well, I know, yes, but this way you make it seem worse that what it actually is…
- It's called “kidnapping”.
- I can assure you it's a rather common thing with pets: some are kept on a leash, others are locked in cages, and others have a little box so they can do their business directly indoors.
- And what sets pets from non-pets apart ?
- The fact that pets have chosen to live at home with us, obviously.
- If they have chosen to do so, why you need to tie them or put them behind bars so that they won't run away?
- May I tell you something? You are overdoing it, as usual.
- No, hold on a second, let me finish: can you give me examples of pets?
- Well, I'd say the more common ones are dogs, cats, little birds.
- Tigers?
- No, not tigers, not exactly.
- Crocodiles?
- No, neither.
- Elephants?
- Too big.
- Accipipteros?
- We don’t have them.
- Spudpones? Meenols?
- Again, never heard of them.
- Snakes? Tarantulas? Sharks? Eagles?
- Quite dangerous, I’d say.
- Mosquitoes? Lice? Mites?
- Quite a nuisance, right?
- Now, let's do a nice recap, shall we?
- I don’t really feel like doing it, but I know I can’t avoid it.
- An animal is considered a “pet” only in the following cases: if it’s not dangerous; ugly; a parasite; too bulky to be overwhelmed; too small to be controlled; if it's not stronger than you and, in the last resort, not capable of rebelling and /or killing you.
- It seems logical.
- What, in particular, seems so logical? Taking it out on the weakest?
- I've already told you that these animals are accustomed to the cohabitation with human beings.
- Well: I am going to tell you something that you will not like.
- Hey, big news!
- There was a time when I felt pity for you, for your species and for the planet you sold us. I knew nothing about you but your language; I knew nothing at all about your habits and traditions, and I also ignored your way of thinking. Now that I know all these things, I must confess that – even if I'm still a little curious about that “falling in love” thing – I somewhat take pleasure only in thinking that in a few seconds I will hang up, condemning yourself and your co-terrestrials to extinction.
- Ftop!
- What did you say?
- Ftop, If I were you, I wouldn’t be fo ftupid to do fomething like that.
- I am sorry but I cannot understand a word of what you are saying. You are using an idiom or words that the Wiglet has not insufflated in me.
- Fee, I have juft ftepped on a rake that haf mifterioufly appeared in the living room, and the ftaff haf hit me in the face.
- I just understood that something has hit you in the face.
- Yef, yef. Blood if running down my fuperior lip.
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- Hello?
- Forgive me for showing up this way...
- Who'f that?
- Don’t worry if the voice you hear is different: I am a companion of the person who was talking to you before. I am one of the three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine waiting outside the phone booth.
- Oh, yef, I falute you!
- I just wanted to inform you that your interlocutor has fainted.
- Oh, I’m forry
- Thank you, but he looks like he will be all right soon, don’t worry.
- I am fo pleafed to hear that.
- I also benefited from the attack on the part of a Wiglet, so I understand your language.
- Fplendid.
- I wanted to take this occasion to thank you so, so much, I mean really a lot, for giving our species a chance to survive.
- Don’t mention it, pleafe, I did nothing fpecial.
- Forgive me, I didn’t get it.
- There if blood running from my fuperior lip.
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- No, not again! Hello?
- ...
- For Goodneff fake!
- I’m back, it’s me again. I have fainted, like my friend here, apparently.
- I fufpected it. Fay hello to your friend af foon af he recoverf: we fpoke very briefly but he feemed a nice chap.
- I had asked you if you could kindly avoid that blood thing...
- Yef, you have afked me. I’m forry.
- I can hardly understand what you are saying.
- I fuffer when I fpeak. I'll try to ftop ufing wordf with an “f” in them.
- No, words with an “f” seem okay. From what I hear, you seem to have a problem pronouncing words with an “s”.
- Yef, with an “f”
- No: words with an “s”, not with an “f”.
- Thif if not going to take uf anywhere, you know that?
- So, you wanted me to tell me one last thing before I hang up?
- Yef : I wanted to warn you that in thefe laft minutef I have confid... I have thought about it, and, I fay it again: you'd better not do that.
- I'd better not do… what?
- End thif converfation.
- Oh. And why not, tell me.
- You faid that the fole fort of time-travelling given permiff.. .confent... the only type of time-travelling allowed waf that at a 1x fpeed in the future, if that true?
- It is.
- Then you faid that modifying a particular detail of the prefent... of eventf occurring juft now... Liften, it’f not eafy for me, there are fo many “f’f” everywhere: you muft try to underftand me if poffible.
- I'll try. Go on.
- I waf faying that changing fomething in the prefent meanf alfo to change it in the future.
- This is also true. It’s the reason why not only it is deeply advised against, but also absolutely prohibited: it would imply a change in the course of history as we know it. Even a small, meaningless detail could affect the destiny of the entire universe.
- Yef, but in the end you faid that when you dialled my number you had only one fingle coin, if that correct?
- Yes. But I really don’t know what are you getting at.
- Fee, I waf right: you'd better not hang up. Let me explain, pleafe.
- I kindly ask you to hurry up: extinction is awaiting for you.
- I am ftepping down the ftairf.
- I am delighted to hear that, but I really can’t see how this may be of any interest whatsoever to my species.
- Don't worry, I’ll get there foon: I am about to ufe the fpade again to unbury the teapot.
- No, wait... You cannot do that!
- Of courfe I can: I am already digging the foil.
- What’s on your mind?
- Before I bury it again, I will take out the coinf that were infide and thif, if I'm not wrong, meanf that you, in the future, not only will not take poffeffion of the coin you have ufed to carry on with thif converfation, but not even of the coin you will need to ftart another converfation, the next call, the right one.
- Please, stop! What do you want from me?
- I want you not to hang up. I want you to find a folution and fave uf, or we are all going to die: me, you and your entire fpecief.
- This means you are blackmailing me?
-Yef.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved