ARIES: It is easier for a camel to walk through an eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into Heaven, which will likely be true this week when a rich man on a camel stabs you in the eye with a needle.

TAURUS: Beware of strangers bearing gifts, but be even more afraid of close loved ones bearing arms that will be pointed at you Thursday.

GEMINI: The stars believe that this is the year to be a fan of the Detroit Lions. Also scabies.

CANCER: Romance is strong in your sign this week. Unfortunately it is super-villain Deadly Romance, who will kill you in a diabolical, yet oddly tender manner Friday.

LEO: It will be a mixed bag of this week when you meet your long time idol, Leonard Nimoy. There’s the thrill of meeting him, but the sadness you experience when he eviscerates you for a perceived slight.

VIRGO: The only limits you face are those of your imagination. Also your complete lack of any discernible talent or skill.

LIBRA: You wouldn’t think they would have many deadly buffalo stampedes in modern day cities. At least you’ll think that until Wednesday.

SCORPIO: Remember that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. This may not be too helpful this week as you are consistently stabbed in the brains by a pack of hobgoblins.

SAGITTARIUS: You do realize you are a centaur, right? What’s up with that?

CAPRICORN: While it may be tempting, do not play chess with death this week. That guy cheats.

AQUARIUS: You will question the rationality of the phrase “Happy as a clam” this week after you are horrifically turned into a chowder.

PISCES: Dreams of time travel come true for you this week when a well known cable station runs a “Back to the Future” marathon.