The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 27
Chapter 27
- Well, he may not have answered, but the question he has asked makes sense: where is the bride?
- Oh, well, right now she is probably choosing among the following alternatives: contemplating suicide; organizing her escape; texting her girlfriends on being a misunderstood teenager, forced by her parents into a marriage of convenience; uploading the wedding list on AlterBrain.
- AlterBrain?
- Yes. Well, now, it's hard to tell what it is just like that, but if you settle for a brief explanation, I can tell you it's a military network set up by the Jovials at the time of the war against the Hoitytoities. In brief, it enables the interconnection of the synapses of any living being inhabiting this Galaxy. Any time, our brains may be connected and exchange information. This is also how they handled their losses on the battlefield: whenever a soldier was killed, his companions would share the information that, otherwise, the soldier would have taken to the pot with him.
- To the grave, you mean.
- I have already told you that the Jovials don’t die, but turn into beautiful plants.
- And how does your daughter log into this Jovial military network?
- With time, the Jovial Ministry of Defence decided to drop the AlterBrain project, mainly for two reasons. The first was that, due to the structure of the network itself, there was no access barrier to brain sharing.
- What does it mean?
- It means that on AlterBrain all brains have the same value: the brain of an astrophysician weighs exactly the same as that of the planet idiot. The outcome is discouraging: take the brain of a scientist and that of a total idiot: if you put together the information contained in each brain, what do you get? You get the brain of a half-idiot. As an example, if I, right now, connected my brain to AlterBrain and asked a simple question such as “What is the main feature of the renowned stream that goes under the name of Mugh’baath?”, I would get the following answers, in this order: “Hold on a second”, “Six by nine”; “Maybe”; “I don't know / No answer”; “Tomorrow”; “Variable”; “It’s complicated” and “My cousin says yes” .
- Μαψ ωε ρλεασε προχεεδ ωιτη τηισ μαρριαγε τηινγ?
- Hold on a second: I'm talking, OK? Where were we?
- …You were saying that the Jovials gradually abandoned the network for two reasons, but you only told me the first one.
- Right. The second one… Well, it obviously has to do with that evil cat.
- What evil cat?
- Exactly when AlterBrain was left behind by the Jovial army, the brain network was rediscovered as a leisure zone by the Galaxy’s civilians, mainly teenagers. It was at about that time that we first heard of the virus.
- To tell the truth, I had asked you about the cat.
- The virus is the cat. Overnight, the image of a hateful white cat gradually started appearing everywhere on AlterBrain, monopolizing all conversations. Before we could even realize, the synaptic network had been suddenly invaded by the images of that gruesome grinning cat. Rumour has it that the Jovials abandoned AlterBrain for this reason, even if conspiracy theorists insist on claiming that the Jovials themselves had been the first to spread the images of that filthy feline, to make the network they were leaving behind totally unserviceable, as it was no longer under their control.
- I don't get it: how can the image of a cat bother you so much?
- You just don't understand. The younger ones seem to be the virus' favourite victims: once you take a look at that vile cat, you just cannot get it out of your head. Somebody even told me of teenagers branded with the effigy of the cat. It seems that others are already wearing the uniforms of the “Soldiers of the Feline”, and young girls are even sporting jewellery with the symbol of the sect. On some planets - where they believe in a wicked god's alter-ego - the bad cat embodies evil. They call him “HALO CHEETEE” or, in other areas, “ELOW K.T.”. Others know the cat as “HAIL LOW QUEE-TEE”, but for sure it appears always in the same way: like a tender little cat, looking silly enough to seem loveable, but actually undermining our civilization.
- This cat you are talking about sounds somewhat familiar to me.
- Quite probably the Earth has also been struck by the virus. I can't see why it should be immune to it.
- Are you sure this is not just - I am asking you because I suspect it may be - a simple merchandising operation involving an imaginary Japanese cartoon character?
- I wouldn't be surprised.
- What do you mean?
- Everybody in the Galaxy knows - but maybe you still don’t - that all the Japanese are, in fact, Jovials.
- Are... what?
- Jovials. Precisely. Hadn't I told you that the Jovials are all yellow?
- No.
- Well, they are yellow.
- The Chinese are yellow, too.
- Right. Actually, they are Jovials, too. They are already there in view of the forthcoming invasion.
- Now, where does this invasion thing come from?
- Come on, don't act so naive now: everybody knows, even on Make-Make, that Jupiter has always had this strong urge to invade, conquer and control the Earth. Besides, to be totally honest, I wouldn't be surprised if we found out it was deserted when we got here because the Jovials had already deported all of you to the first, dull trans-Neptunian rock.
- Take my advice: if it's true you have regularly purchased the Earth and intend to live here, yours is the typical comment that over here may be perceived as unfair, if not on the brink of racism, and not even so vaguely. The Chinese and the Japanese are simply two of the thousands of populations that inhabit our Earth, nothing more.
- This is what they want you to believe, and they are apparently getting there, even though the evidence is right under your nose.
- If there is any evidence, I can't see it.
- That's because - as a species, I mean - you do not pay enough attention. Yet, it all makes sense. Tell me: do they talk in a shrill voice?
- Well, now, I wouldn’t call it “shrill”… Perhaps only a semitone higher, but it may as well be just a commonpl...
- So you confirm they have this shrill little voice, just like the Jovials. One down. Let me go on: do they have this tendency to create almost self-sufficient small towns, taking over, without bloodshed, some areas within your big cities?
- Well, yes, they do. But only the Chinese. The Japanese, for instance, don’t do that.
- That’s because the Japanese belong to a possibilistic fringe supporting the idea of a pacific coexistence of the Terrestrials with the Jovials.
- That's something.
- I would have that pacific inclination myself, had I, thanks to you, taken over half Milky Way, just for launching the Walkman.
- Half Milky Way is Jovial ?
- No, the whole Milky Way is Jovial. They raked up the other half some years later, with the Playstation.
- Oh.
- But with Betamax and the MiniDisc you have almost faced the diplomatic incident.
- All you are saying does not prove that the Chinese and the Japanese are Jovials for real, as you claim.
- I cannot think of other ways to persuade you: please note we are well past the start of Phase 2.
- Phase 2 of what?
- Of the invasion: they started out by modifying your eating habits. With Phase 1 they planned the uncontrolled spread of Chinese restaurants.
- And what did Phase 2 foresee?
- The spread of sushi bars.
- Look, we were the ones who decided we wanted to eat that way.
- Right, true geniuses. Can’t you see they made you believe it was your own independent choice?
- All right, let’s say it’s true: are there other undercover Jovial spies on the Earth I should know about?
- Dentists. All of them.
- Oh, well, right now she is probably choosing among the following alternatives: contemplating suicide; organizing her escape; texting her girlfriends on being a misunderstood teenager, forced by her parents into a marriage of convenience; uploading the wedding list on AlterBrain.
- AlterBrain?
- Yes. Well, now, it's hard to tell what it is just like that, but if you settle for a brief explanation, I can tell you it's a military network set up by the Jovials at the time of the war against the Hoitytoities. In brief, it enables the interconnection of the synapses of any living being inhabiting this Galaxy. Any time, our brains may be connected and exchange information. This is also how they handled their losses on the battlefield: whenever a soldier was killed, his companions would share the information that, otherwise, the soldier would have taken to the pot with him.
- To the grave, you mean.
- I have already told you that the Jovials don’t die, but turn into beautiful plants.
- And how does your daughter log into this Jovial military network?
- With time, the Jovial Ministry of Defence decided to drop the AlterBrain project, mainly for two reasons. The first was that, due to the structure of the network itself, there was no access barrier to brain sharing.
- What does it mean?
- It means that on AlterBrain all brains have the same value: the brain of an astrophysician weighs exactly the same as that of the planet idiot. The outcome is discouraging: take the brain of a scientist and that of a total idiot: if you put together the information contained in each brain, what do you get? You get the brain of a half-idiot. As an example, if I, right now, connected my brain to AlterBrain and asked a simple question such as “What is the main feature of the renowned stream that goes under the name of Mugh’baath?”, I would get the following answers, in this order: “Hold on a second”, “Six by nine”; “Maybe”; “I don't know / No answer”; “Tomorrow”; “Variable”; “It’s complicated” and “My cousin says yes” .
- Μαψ ωε ρλεασε προχεεδ ωιτη τηισ μαρριαγε τηινγ?
- Hold on a second: I'm talking, OK? Where were we?
- …You were saying that the Jovials gradually abandoned the network for two reasons, but you only told me the first one.
- Right. The second one… Well, it obviously has to do with that evil cat.
- What evil cat?
- Exactly when AlterBrain was left behind by the Jovial army, the brain network was rediscovered as a leisure zone by the Galaxy’s civilians, mainly teenagers. It was at about that time that we first heard of the virus.
- To tell the truth, I had asked you about the cat.
- The virus is the cat. Overnight, the image of a hateful white cat gradually started appearing everywhere on AlterBrain, monopolizing all conversations. Before we could even realize, the synaptic network had been suddenly invaded by the images of that gruesome grinning cat. Rumour has it that the Jovials abandoned AlterBrain for this reason, even if conspiracy theorists insist on claiming that the Jovials themselves had been the first to spread the images of that filthy feline, to make the network they were leaving behind totally unserviceable, as it was no longer under their control.
- I don't get it: how can the image of a cat bother you so much?
- You just don't understand. The younger ones seem to be the virus' favourite victims: once you take a look at that vile cat, you just cannot get it out of your head. Somebody even told me of teenagers branded with the effigy of the cat. It seems that others are already wearing the uniforms of the “Soldiers of the Feline”, and young girls are even sporting jewellery with the symbol of the sect. On some planets - where they believe in a wicked god's alter-ego - the bad cat embodies evil. They call him “HALO CHEETEE” or, in other areas, “ELOW K.T.”. Others know the cat as “HAIL LOW QUEE-TEE”, but for sure it appears always in the same way: like a tender little cat, looking silly enough to seem loveable, but actually undermining our civilization.
- This cat you are talking about sounds somewhat familiar to me.
- Quite probably the Earth has also been struck by the virus. I can't see why it should be immune to it.
- Are you sure this is not just - I am asking you because I suspect it may be - a simple merchandising operation involving an imaginary Japanese cartoon character?
- I wouldn't be surprised.
- What do you mean?
- Everybody in the Galaxy knows - but maybe you still don’t - that all the Japanese are, in fact, Jovials.
- Are... what?
- Jovials. Precisely. Hadn't I told you that the Jovials are all yellow?
- No.
- Well, they are yellow.
- The Chinese are yellow, too.
- Right. Actually, they are Jovials, too. They are already there in view of the forthcoming invasion.
- Now, where does this invasion thing come from?
- Come on, don't act so naive now: everybody knows, even on Make-Make, that Jupiter has always had this strong urge to invade, conquer and control the Earth. Besides, to be totally honest, I wouldn't be surprised if we found out it was deserted when we got here because the Jovials had already deported all of you to the first, dull trans-Neptunian rock.
- Take my advice: if it's true you have regularly purchased the Earth and intend to live here, yours is the typical comment that over here may be perceived as unfair, if not on the brink of racism, and not even so vaguely. The Chinese and the Japanese are simply two of the thousands of populations that inhabit our Earth, nothing more.
- This is what they want you to believe, and they are apparently getting there, even though the evidence is right under your nose.
- If there is any evidence, I can't see it.
- That's because - as a species, I mean - you do not pay enough attention. Yet, it all makes sense. Tell me: do they talk in a shrill voice?
- Well, now, I wouldn’t call it “shrill”… Perhaps only a semitone higher, but it may as well be just a commonpl...
- So you confirm they have this shrill little voice, just like the Jovials. One down. Let me go on: do they have this tendency to create almost self-sufficient small towns, taking over, without bloodshed, some areas within your big cities?
- Well, yes, they do. But only the Chinese. The Japanese, for instance, don’t do that.
- That’s because the Japanese belong to a possibilistic fringe supporting the idea of a pacific coexistence of the Terrestrials with the Jovials.
- That's something.
- I would have that pacific inclination myself, had I, thanks to you, taken over half Milky Way, just for launching the Walkman.
- Half Milky Way is Jovial ?
- No, the whole Milky Way is Jovial. They raked up the other half some years later, with the Playstation.
- Oh.
- But with Betamax and the MiniDisc you have almost faced the diplomatic incident.
- All you are saying does not prove that the Chinese and the Japanese are Jovials for real, as you claim.
- I cannot think of other ways to persuade you: please note we are well past the start of Phase 2.
- Phase 2 of what?
- Of the invasion: they started out by modifying your eating habits. With Phase 1 they planned the uncontrolled spread of Chinese restaurants.
- And what did Phase 2 foresee?
- The spread of sushi bars.
- Look, we were the ones who decided we wanted to eat that way.
- Right, true geniuses. Can’t you see they made you believe it was your own independent choice?
- All right, let’s say it’s true: are there other undercover Jovial spies on the Earth I should know about?
- Dentists. All of them.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved