Dr. Awesome: Fire Guide
Fire Guide
Dr. Awesome,
I was watching some footage of all the wildfires in California, and was wondering what I should do if I ever catch on fire. Any suggestions?
Marc
Marc,
This is an interesting manswer topic, perhaps one of the most important topics I've ever received. Yes, it is important to watch manly movies, wear manly clothing, and do other things that carry the flag of manliness onto pansified battle fields of pansitude. But all of that takes a back seat when you are actually on fire. I'd say that in all my years of being manly, maybe only twice have I actually had to do something manly while I was on fire. And one of those times was intentional...I was subduing a feral pig and I wanted to save time by cooking the meat while I wrestled it. So in almost every circumstance, your number one priority should be to extinguish the flames on your own physical person before you carry out acts of masculinitude. And that's what I'm going to help you with today.
Let's start with a history lesson. When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a couple of weeks. It didn't last very long, because they refused to allow me to enter my gas-powered pinewood derby car in the competition. In hindsight I can see why...the pinewood derby race track was not built to handle a vehicle that could travel in excess of 75 mph. But still, I didn't want to be a part of an organization that stifled my abilities, so I quit. My time there was not a total waste though...I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’, and try to live my life by it. There are any number of dangerous things that could happen to you at any given time. That's why I almost never sleep, I am always heavily armed, and I spend most of my day in a battle-ready crouched position. I frequently practice leaping into action. I've asked people before to use three terms to describe me, and invariably the terms they list are 1) locked 2) cocked and 3) ready to rock. Thank you, boy scouts, for helping me to always be prepared.
Now, chances are most of you will never catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers on those chances, so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire today”. Amongst the results, I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film "Catch a Fire". Neither were helpful at the time, though I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Baby Awesome gets older (yet another example of me being prepared). Anyway, there doesn't appear to be any readily available statistics that list your chances of catching fire today, which makes you wonder what the heck statisticians are doing with their time? But we do know it is within the realm of possibility. So any responsible person who wants to be prepared needs to know what to do when they find themselves engulfed in flames. Here is a list of dos and don'ts for how you should respond on the statistically-unknown-yet-
-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first. You can always track down the culprit and set him on fire later.
-DO NOT practice super hero ninja moves. As cool as that will look, again, you need to remember that you are on fire.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll without identifying your surroundings first. For example, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely. Expecting help from any animal creature, fictitious or otherwise, is probably unrealistic. Unless you were prepared and trained your dog to fetch buckets of water, like I have done.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
-DO maneuver your way under a smoke detector, so as to alert others to your predicament.
-DO tell whatever people that show up that they should stay away. Hugs are important, but not when you are on fire. The only worse thing than one person on fire is two people on fire.
-DO grab a bag of microwave popcorn, if you have one handy. Once you have been extinguished, you'll probably be hungry, and you'll have a delicious bag of popcorn ready to be eaten.
-DO try and get someone to take your picture for your Facebook profile. Everything happens for a reason, and it's possible the reason for this is because God wanted you to have a hilarious profile pic.
-DO take your pants off if that is the location of the flames. The Golden Rule of Steves is not in play when your goods are on fire.
-DO check the liquid you are about to use to douse the flames. Water is good, gasoline would obviously be bad. Liquid Nitrogen might be tempting, but probably a bit of overkill, unless you have the ability to reform your body after it has been shattered like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.
-DO try some shock evangelism if there are people nearby. "Turn or burn" is much more effective if you are actually turning and burning.
There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something, like SohCahToa is supposed to help you remember geometry. Or was it SahCohToa? Crap if I know. Anyway, I hope this helps, Marc, should you wake up one morning and find yourself flaming.
Dr Awesome
I was watching some footage of all the wildfires in California, and was wondering what I should do if I ever catch on fire. Any suggestions?
Marc
Marc,
This is an interesting manswer topic, perhaps one of the most important topics I've ever received. Yes, it is important to watch manly movies, wear manly clothing, and do other things that carry the flag of manliness onto pansified battle fields of pansitude. But all of that takes a back seat when you are actually on fire. I'd say that in all my years of being manly, maybe only twice have I actually had to do something manly while I was on fire. And one of those times was intentional...I was subduing a feral pig and I wanted to save time by cooking the meat while I wrestled it. So in almost every circumstance, your number one priority should be to extinguish the flames on your own physical person before you carry out acts of masculinitude. And that's what I'm going to help you with today.
Let's start with a history lesson. When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a couple of weeks. It didn't last very long, because they refused to allow me to enter my gas-powered pinewood derby car in the competition. In hindsight I can see why...the pinewood derby race track was not built to handle a vehicle that could travel in excess of 75 mph. But still, I didn't want to be a part of an organization that stifled my abilities, so I quit. My time there was not a total waste though...I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’, and try to live my life by it. There are any number of dangerous things that could happen to you at any given time. That's why I almost never sleep, I am always heavily armed, and I spend most of my day in a battle-ready crouched position. I frequently practice leaping into action. I've asked people before to use three terms to describe me, and invariably the terms they list are 1) locked 2) cocked and 3) ready to rock. Thank you, boy scouts, for helping me to always be prepared.
Now, chances are most of you will never catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers on those chances, so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire today”. Amongst the results, I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film "Catch a Fire". Neither were helpful at the time, though I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Baby Awesome gets older (yet another example of me being prepared). Anyway, there doesn't appear to be any readily available statistics that list your chances of catching fire today, which makes you wonder what the heck statisticians are doing with their time? But we do know it is within the realm of possibility. So any responsible person who wants to be prepared needs to know what to do when they find themselves engulfed in flames. Here is a list of dos and don'ts for how you should respond on the statistically-unknown-yet-
-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first. You can always track down the culprit and set him on fire later.
-DO NOT practice super hero ninja moves. As cool as that will look, again, you need to remember that you are on fire.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll without identifying your surroundings first. For example, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely. Expecting help from any animal creature, fictitious or otherwise, is probably unrealistic. Unless you were prepared and trained your dog to fetch buckets of water, like I have done.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
-DO maneuver your way under a smoke detector, so as to alert others to your predicament.
-DO tell whatever people that show up that they should stay away. Hugs are important, but not when you are on fire. The only worse thing than one person on fire is two people on fire.
-DO grab a bag of microwave popcorn, if you have one handy. Once you have been extinguished, you'll probably be hungry, and you'll have a delicious bag of popcorn ready to be eaten.
-DO try and get someone to take your picture for your Facebook profile. Everything happens for a reason, and it's possible the reason for this is because God wanted you to have a hilarious profile pic.
-DO take your pants off if that is the location of the flames. The Golden Rule of Steves is not in play when your goods are on fire.
-DO check the liquid you are about to use to douse the flames. Water is good, gasoline would obviously be bad. Liquid Nitrogen might be tempting, but probably a bit of overkill, unless you have the ability to reform your body after it has been shattered like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.
-DO try some shock evangelism if there are people nearby. "Turn or burn" is much more effective if you are actually turning and burning.
There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something, like SohCahToa is supposed to help you remember geometry. Or was it SahCohToa? Crap if I know. Anyway, I hope this helps, Marc, should you wake up one morning and find yourself flaming.
Dr Awesome