This planet has some pretty cool stuff on it, am I right? We've got ant colonies, chocolate, and the more common liquids that cover this rock don't melt our skin off. The notorious mad scientist in me claims that this isn't nearly enough; much greater can be manufactured when enough genius and duct tape are applied. Creatures can be combined with elements combined with twisted concepts to produce superior lifeforms not conceived in the lame, natural ways that the Big G intended. Upsetting the status quo is the natural order, and messing with the core of anything can only make it better. Ha! Ha ha ha! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha! Eh hem. With this said, I need to make it clear that sometimes, the mission statement gets lost in the rush of playing God. This is the ol' proverbial 'remove the ladder from the swimming pool and watch your Sims drown to death' scenario. I speak of none other than the latest of torture/horror flicks, of which is titled "The Human Centipede."

I warn you, the remainder of this discussion is not for those with weak constitutions. I consider this a sterling example of misconduct on behalf of an evil genius. In no way am I speaking out against playing God, I'm just saying that it is vital to keep your intentions in check. Peer groups are offered for this very purpose, you know. We don't want another Susan Boyle happening, now do we?

The Human Centipede has a pretty standard plot for the genre. Cute, Asian tourists get lost while on vacation, wander into a mansion, and science happens on them. It happens every day; no cause of alarm there. The mansion's resident, Dr, Josef Heiter, has fantastic intentions to use his giant brain to create a superior being, utilizing his surgical skills and knowledge of biology and immune systems and all that other shit that cute female tourists know little about.

His method? By surgically connecting tourists together, he will create a superior being dubbed the Human Centipede. This involves chaining tourists together at their respective digestive inputs/outputs. In crude words, he's stitching lips to buttholes and hoping for the best.

Doctor, please. From an amature's point of view, I can see where your idea works at the concept. Afterall, think of the immune system the 'end' of the Centipede would have! I commend you, if you were in mad scientist grad school, I'd even let you pass based on effort. However, this isn't grad school, this is real life. Did you think of the implications of the chain? As food is digested, nutrients are removed and absorbed. Sure, we don't use every last nutrient, but that leaves a whole lot less for the next in line. While the immune system will flourish, the digestive system will fail. Another issue in your math brings me to remind you that a monster made out of ditsy tourists connected ass-to-mouth is only as strong as it's weakest tourist. You prove nothing, because the variables between one end is so dramatically different than the other that in your efforts you've actually encourage entropy. Hang your lab coat up, you are not worthy of its crest and stain resistance. Oh, and you're wearing Crocks too? GTFO.

Your super centipede creature wouldn't even stand a chance at upsetting the balance of the world, because I've seen Aaron Carter's work on Dancing with the Stars; it's hard enough to get two people to act in uniform, let alone three or more. I suggest you spend a little more time on your math next time. Good day, Sir!