Somewhere along the way, shortly after food became not about nutrients but nutritionism, food became about chefs, and restaurants became about not the diners themselves, but the dining experience. Blame it on globalization, the excess, of the '90s, cable TV and the Food network, the advent of the chef as celebrity, but this food moment is here to stay awhile. Needless to say, a pox upon us.

With all due feigned humility, the menu...

ABOUT THE CHEF

The chef is youngish, but old enough; good-looking, but not too good-looking — camera-ready in a working kitchen sort of way. The chef has a food Philosophy. The chef uses only fresh, seasonal ingredients, sown and reaped by hydroponically-grown local virgins. Relax. The chef and staff will take care of you for the next hour and forty-five minutes until our next reservation; enjoy our soul-free "housemade" delicacies, exquisite modifiers, and gratis italics Française e Italiano. You, dear friend, are in the hands of a maestro.

Deconstructed Caesar Salad
We supply the head of Romaine, croutons du hier soir, anchovies, raw egg, olive oil, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic. You do the rest!

Poor Country Street Food
Cultural food-slumming po' boy du jour with house-pickled red herring

Bohemian Bacalao Sliders
Salted fish that has subsequently been soaked in water to de-salinate it (since preservation by salt is no longer necessary in this age of refrigeration) and served in ironic White Castle fashion

Rillettes des Vegetables
With toast points and artful shmears of jus de quelque choses

Deviled Eggs Flight
Tastes of the world meet American family picnic!

Shrimp Mousseline
With crême fraiche on hand-carved spoons of Belgian endive

Confit of Thusandsuch
We honor the farm-raised animals that give their lives for our pleasure by using as much of them as we can

Half an Obscure Heritage Fowl (say, Happy Farms West African Pearl Guinea Hen)
Served with further unnecessary adjectives and young vegetables

Pig Three Ways:
- Seared ethnic-seasoning–crusted pork loin
- Antiquated, tough cut braised till tender
- Unapologetically-fried pork belly

Steak Frites
Grass-fed hanger steak with ubiquitous duck fat pommes de terre and just-so demi-glace drizzle

Perfunctory Vegetarian Option
Terrine of roasted farm-fresh petites vegetables de saison with farro and adjective adjective local dairy producer cheese

Fish of the Moment
This year's hip fish (Chilean Sea Bass, Bigeye Tuna, ad nauseum), crusted with toasted Central American whole grains and served rare

Hand-Rolled Pasta
Lightly pan-toasted vegetable spice tagliatelle with salt-cured meat, organic eggs, and shaved spice cheese

White asparagus with chlorophyll foam
Roasted root vegetables with house-candied nuts
Seared small leaves with smoked pork fat
Twice-buttered tubers (with crustacean, add $10)
Duck fat pommes de terre

Hyperbole by Chocolate
Seriously, you will die if you eat this

Tarte Tatin de Saison
Butter-fed fruits du chef du monde

Housemade Ice Cream
Two flavors, like blood orange and rosewater, that are interesting but do not taste good together

Cheese Plate
Surprisingly small amounts of perfect, hand-selected cheese, served with minute housemade crackers and fruit paste de España