The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 29
Chapter 29
- You don’t really mean that, do you?
- Believe me, I do.
- You’d rather get killed by the polishmen than give up your platonic love for a waitress who, probably, has never realized you even exist?
- Take that “probably” out.
- Will you please tell me why?
- It’s quite a long story, and I don’t think I have enough time for that. I wasn’t able to explain to you what god is, I have no intention of broaching that love thing now.
- You could try anyway.
- What for?
- What have you got to lose? You have chosen to die anyway, right?
- Right.
- In return, I could reveal to you why the polishmen are sealing with silicone all the air intakes in your house.
- Wouldn’t it be better to make this revelation right now, before embarking in on the rather useless debate you wish to drag me in?
- Sure, it could be better, but you would be so worried about how and when you are going to die that you would not be able to explain to me with due enthusiasm what this blessed love is.
- I must warn you, it’s not a simple matter.
- I am sure it is: we have been trying to figure it out for years.
- And you must promise me that you will make an effort, as far as you can, not to answer back with rational arguments.
- I would be glad to please you, but it’s not in my nature.
- That’s why I said “as far as you can”.
- And that’s why I answered that my “as far as I can” should be intended as “no way”.
- I just can’t help noticing we have started off on the right foot.
- What if I asked you: “Could you stop breathing, as far as you can?”
- What’s the problem with that? I could breathe a little less, or more slowly. Or even voluntarily stop breathing for a handful of minutes.
- You still don’t get my point: I would have asked you to “stop” breathing altogether. Breathing “a little less” would not be enough. The only meaningful answer you could give would be “No, I couldn’t”. And that’s precisely the answer I gave you from the start, if I remember well.
- I am not too sure I feel like taking up this challenge to explain the meaning of love to you.
- Sure, we could stay here in silence, waiting for the end.
- Well, I could hang up and try to fend off the polishmen’s attacks.
- Believe me, it would be totally pointless: you are a goner.
- Are you sure?
- A hundred per cent positive.
- May I know, at least, how exactly I’m going to die?
- I told you before: you must tell me first why you’d rather blow your only chance to survive just to keep on secretly loving a perfect stranger.
- I think my answer would be: because what you’re asking me to do would mean to give up for good all hopes that she may, one day, speak to me.
- It seems important to you.
- It is, really.
- Why?
- We may try starting with the basics, if you like.
- I am all ears. And if you could only see the amount of earwax that is settling on the floor of this phone booth, you would realise it’s not just an idiomatic expression.
- OK. Let’s start from here, then: each one of us needs to find a soul mate.
- Who told you this?
- Nobody. And it’s not written anywhere. It’s just something that most of us have learnt with time and with experience: we won’t feel complete until we have found our other half.
- You are telling me that if I cut you and that waitress in two, I could mix up the pieces at random and, in the end, they would match to perfection anyway?
- No, no, it’s something we just say. It means that, when we are alone, we feel something is missing.
- But, you do check out, in those moments, that your organs are all in the right place?
- Yes, everything is working from a biological point of view, no problem with that.
- So… it’s not only a matter of finding someone who is willing to procreate, just because, otherwise, you would become extinct?
- No. This is what is claimed by many of the religions of the Earth I was mentioning before. But these theories do not stand up, as there are many couples out there who are indisputably happy without having children. Or men who love men, women who are only attracted to other women, people for whom their partner’s gender doesn’t matter that much.
- Now, I really have no intention of playing down the sense of superiority that exudes from your words, but I am really compelled to underline that all this is totally normal throughout the universe. There are civilizations who openly declare their tri-sexuality and nobody bats an eyelid. What I really do not get is the reason why you are so stubbornly looking for a connection between a necessary and automatic biological activity such as sex, and that indefinite feeling you are so vaguely trying to explain.
- Don’t make me say things the average corny crooner would sing about: I didn’t say there is no sex without love. Or rather: they may coexist, but not necessarily. I would say it’s all a matter of taste. Maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough, but you have found the right word: “feeling”. You were telling me about ugly friends before, so I assume that friendship does exist on your planet, right?
- Of course it does!
- So, could you explain to me what this friendship is?
- We become friends with the people of our own kind whom we admire and respect, and who reciprocate those feelings.
- Good. Now, take friendship as you have just described it and place it in an imaginary spot to the left of your visual field...
- Hilarious. May I quote this to my possible descendants as your last joke, or your intention is to tell new ones in the short term?
- No, all right, seriously: love is like an exclusive kind of friendship between two people, and only between them.
- Why two?
- I don’t know why. Probably because if we shared that feeling with a bigger number of people it would seem less exclusive, and therefore less special. Yes, I think that’s the reason why.
- So, it’s just a matter of ranking order? Love comes before friendship?
- I didn’t say that: they are two different things.
- To tell the truth, a short while ago you claimed they are quite similar.
- Yes, they are similar, but also very different, OK?
- Come on, be honest: you have no idea.
- The thing is, I cannot really say what love is, all right? And you know why? Probably because it just can’t be explained. It’s there, it happens, period.
- If I’m not wrong, however, this is the same kind of explanation that – as you were saying only a few hours ago – many terrestrials will settle for in order to demonstrate that god exists.
- ...
- Hello?
- I hate you, you know that?
- Only because I’m asking how can you possibly believe in something you cannot explain?
- No: I hate you because you interpret my words to your liking, and make me say things I am not even thinking.
- Maybe it would be helpful to understand how you feel.
- How I feel… when?
- When you are affected by this... “love”.
- There, “affected”! Without even knowing you have used the right word: love is a bit like an illness.
- An illness you still haven’t found a cure for?
- Finding a cure is the last thing on our minds.
- But why?
- Because we like being in love: we feel good.
- Everything is much clearer now: you feel bad, but also feel good.
- Yes, we suffer like mad but, in those periods, we feel more open to the world. Perhaps even more vulnerable, but undoubtedly more sensitive to many things.
- What things?
- Well… let me think: a smell that suddenly brings to mind a particular past event, a special person, a small gesture. Or listening by accident to a song you had heard on that day, when everything felt perfect, everything seemed to be in the right place. A name. A place. A taste. A face that unexpectedly resurfaces from an old photograph. A detail that made that face special and unique. A house. Or the absence of a person whose presence, once, had filled that very house. A dress on a windy day, and a gust of wind on that dress.
- Oh.
- What do you mean with that “Oh” ?
- With “Oh” I mean that the concept is even less clear than before, but at the same time I have the feeling I have understood something.
- So your “Oh” means you are giving up?
- My “Oh” means I have so many questions to ask that...
- Τηισ λοωε τηινγ ηερε, ασ φαρ ασ ψου κνοω, χαν ιτ βε μοωεδ αρουνδ?
- Who was that...? Huh... He’s still there?
- We may dispute with him over many things, but we really cannot deny that his father has taught him good manners as god intended: he is still here with us because we haven’t dismissed him. Besides, frankly speaking, having god at our disposal during a philosophical conversation may come in handy.
- Doesn’t he know the wedding has been called off?
- Of course he does: as I have repeatedly told you, he understands all we are saying. Maybe he was just interested in the topic.
- And what did he ask?
- “This love thing here, as far as you know, can it be moved around?”
- Believe me, I do.
- You’d rather get killed by the polishmen than give up your platonic love for a waitress who, probably, has never realized you even exist?
- Take that “probably” out.
- Will you please tell me why?
- It’s quite a long story, and I don’t think I have enough time for that. I wasn’t able to explain to you what god is, I have no intention of broaching that love thing now.
- You could try anyway.
- What for?
- What have you got to lose? You have chosen to die anyway, right?
- Right.
- In return, I could reveal to you why the polishmen are sealing with silicone all the air intakes in your house.
- Wouldn’t it be better to make this revelation right now, before embarking in on the rather useless debate you wish to drag me in?
- Sure, it could be better, but you would be so worried about how and when you are going to die that you would not be able to explain to me with due enthusiasm what this blessed love is.
- I must warn you, it’s not a simple matter.
- I am sure it is: we have been trying to figure it out for years.
- And you must promise me that you will make an effort, as far as you can, not to answer back with rational arguments.
- I would be glad to please you, but it’s not in my nature.
- That’s why I said “as far as you can”.
- And that’s why I answered that my “as far as I can” should be intended as “no way”.
- I just can’t help noticing we have started off on the right foot.
- What if I asked you: “Could you stop breathing, as far as you can?”
- What’s the problem with that? I could breathe a little less, or more slowly. Or even voluntarily stop breathing for a handful of minutes.
- You still don’t get my point: I would have asked you to “stop” breathing altogether. Breathing “a little less” would not be enough. The only meaningful answer you could give would be “No, I couldn’t”. And that’s precisely the answer I gave you from the start, if I remember well.
- I am not too sure I feel like taking up this challenge to explain the meaning of love to you.
- Sure, we could stay here in silence, waiting for the end.
- Well, I could hang up and try to fend off the polishmen’s attacks.
- Believe me, it would be totally pointless: you are a goner.
- Are you sure?
- A hundred per cent positive.
- May I know, at least, how exactly I’m going to die?
- I told you before: you must tell me first why you’d rather blow your only chance to survive just to keep on secretly loving a perfect stranger.
- I think my answer would be: because what you’re asking me to do would mean to give up for good all hopes that she may, one day, speak to me.
- It seems important to you.
- It is, really.
- Why?
- We may try starting with the basics, if you like.
- I am all ears. And if you could only see the amount of earwax that is settling on the floor of this phone booth, you would realise it’s not just an idiomatic expression.
- OK. Let’s start from here, then: each one of us needs to find a soul mate.
- Who told you this?
- Nobody. And it’s not written anywhere. It’s just something that most of us have learnt with time and with experience: we won’t feel complete until we have found our other half.
- You are telling me that if I cut you and that waitress in two, I could mix up the pieces at random and, in the end, they would match to perfection anyway?
- No, no, it’s something we just say. It means that, when we are alone, we feel something is missing.
- But, you do check out, in those moments, that your organs are all in the right place?
- Yes, everything is working from a biological point of view, no problem with that.
- So… it’s not only a matter of finding someone who is willing to procreate, just because, otherwise, you would become extinct?
- No. This is what is claimed by many of the religions of the Earth I was mentioning before. But these theories do not stand up, as there are many couples out there who are indisputably happy without having children. Or men who love men, women who are only attracted to other women, people for whom their partner’s gender doesn’t matter that much.
- Now, I really have no intention of playing down the sense of superiority that exudes from your words, but I am really compelled to underline that all this is totally normal throughout the universe. There are civilizations who openly declare their tri-sexuality and nobody bats an eyelid. What I really do not get is the reason why you are so stubbornly looking for a connection between a necessary and automatic biological activity such as sex, and that indefinite feeling you are so vaguely trying to explain.
- Don’t make me say things the average corny crooner would sing about: I didn’t say there is no sex without love. Or rather: they may coexist, but not necessarily. I would say it’s all a matter of taste. Maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough, but you have found the right word: “feeling”. You were telling me about ugly friends before, so I assume that friendship does exist on your planet, right?
- Of course it does!
- So, could you explain to me what this friendship is?
- We become friends with the people of our own kind whom we admire and respect, and who reciprocate those feelings.
- Good. Now, take friendship as you have just described it and place it in an imaginary spot to the left of your visual field...
- Hilarious. May I quote this to my possible descendants as your last joke, or your intention is to tell new ones in the short term?
- No, all right, seriously: love is like an exclusive kind of friendship between two people, and only between them.
- Why two?
- I don’t know why. Probably because if we shared that feeling with a bigger number of people it would seem less exclusive, and therefore less special. Yes, I think that’s the reason why.
- So, it’s just a matter of ranking order? Love comes before friendship?
- I didn’t say that: they are two different things.
- To tell the truth, a short while ago you claimed they are quite similar.
- Yes, they are similar, but also very different, OK?
- Come on, be honest: you have no idea.
- The thing is, I cannot really say what love is, all right? And you know why? Probably because it just can’t be explained. It’s there, it happens, period.
- If I’m not wrong, however, this is the same kind of explanation that – as you were saying only a few hours ago – many terrestrials will settle for in order to demonstrate that god exists.
- ...
- Hello?
- I hate you, you know that?
- Only because I’m asking how can you possibly believe in something you cannot explain?
- No: I hate you because you interpret my words to your liking, and make me say things I am not even thinking.
- Maybe it would be helpful to understand how you feel.
- How I feel… when?
- When you are affected by this... “love”.
- There, “affected”! Without even knowing you have used the right word: love is a bit like an illness.
- An illness you still haven’t found a cure for?
- Finding a cure is the last thing on our minds.
- But why?
- Because we like being in love: we feel good.
- Everything is much clearer now: you feel bad, but also feel good.
- Yes, we suffer like mad but, in those periods, we feel more open to the world. Perhaps even more vulnerable, but undoubtedly more sensitive to many things.
- What things?
- Well… let me think: a smell that suddenly brings to mind a particular past event, a special person, a small gesture. Or listening by accident to a song you had heard on that day, when everything felt perfect, everything seemed to be in the right place. A name. A place. A taste. A face that unexpectedly resurfaces from an old photograph. A detail that made that face special and unique. A house. Or the absence of a person whose presence, once, had filled that very house. A dress on a windy day, and a gust of wind on that dress.
- Oh.
- What do you mean with that “Oh” ?
- With “Oh” I mean that the concept is even less clear than before, but at the same time I have the feeling I have understood something.
- So your “Oh” means you are giving up?
- My “Oh” means I have so many questions to ask that...
- Τηισ λοωε τηινγ ηερε, ασ φαρ ασ ψου κνοω, χαν ιτ βε μοωεδ αρουνδ?
- Who was that...? Huh... He’s still there?
- We may dispute with him over many things, but we really cannot deny that his father has taught him good manners as god intended: he is still here with us because we haven’t dismissed him. Besides, frankly speaking, having god at our disposal during a philosophical conversation may come in handy.
- Doesn’t he know the wedding has been called off?
- Of course he does: as I have repeatedly told you, he understands all we are saying. Maybe he was just interested in the topic.
- And what did he ask?
- “This love thing here, as far as you know, can it be moved around?”
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved