The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 1
Chapter 1
- Hello?
- Hello, good morning. May I kindly ask you for two minutes of your time to answer a couple of questions?
- No, listen, if it's Verizon again...as I was telling you this morning, I already...
- This is not Verizon.
- Oh. Herbalife?
- No.
- The book club? The free Kirby in-home demonstration?
- No. We are calling you from the future.
- Nice one, really. Not bad. Whatever it is, I don't need it.
- Perhaps I did not make myself clear: I am literally calling you from the future.
- What do you mean? What day is it there?
- Tuesday.
- No: what month, what year.
- Today it is exactly the 11th of February 2053.
- Come on!
- Almost the 12th.
- Where did you get my number?
- Well, talking of this... we found your number as soon as we got here, on the Earth, a few hours ago.
- You are bound to tell me how you got it, you know it, don't you?
- I am telling you we found it here on the Earth, written on a huge billboard. We got here, we had a walk around, we tried to ask for information, but nobody was there.
- So you dialled a number at random...
- No. We dialled the number indicated on the billboard: there was this big sign, and below: "For information".
- And my number was there?
- Is this 340-9827063?
- Yes. Right, this is my number.
- And this was exactly the number written up there. We have even checked online: your telephone belongs to "MobiTel Call Center - Inbound and outbound telephone services", at least since November 2031.
- ...that is about twenty years from now.
- Are you telling me I got the wrong year? Excuse me, what date have you got?
- It's not the date that "I" have got: it's a convention between myself and about 6 billion other people.
- And according to such convention, what would be the date over there?
- Today's date is 11th February 2009.
- And you all agree it is the 11th of February 2009?
- Oh, well, erm, yes: except maybe for the Muslims, the Jews and the whole of India, I think.
- So not all of you are so sure it is the right date.
- Let's put it this way: the majority has decided that today's date is 11th February 2009.
- You may be all wrong.
- Let's also say that nobody thinks today is the 11th of November 2031 for sure.
- Are you sure?
- Quite.
- How bizarre: usually the Supreme Sidereal Controlling Authority for Personal Data is rather fussy when collecting such information. When you make a TimeCallTM using the Genesis option, you are entitled to an answer from the line provider at the time of activation.
- Right.
- ...that, as far as I know, has occurred 22 years after what you have called "today".
- Yes... Now, listen, I really wouldn't want to start arguing with you on the fact that there's a lot of us who call it "today" ... Anyway, I have no idea: try asking someone else, over there.
- Someone else... like whom?
- Well, a supervisor, or something like that...
- Forgive me, perhaps I did not make myself clear. When I said before that we arrived, had a walk around and nobody was there, I really meant nobody. In general. On the whole planet: empty. Deserted.
- Tell me again: exactly, who are you?
- The new tenants.
- Of the Earth?
- Of the Earth, exactly.
- So you got here and ...
- ...and did not find a soul. There was only the great mess you left and this huge billboard.
- I see. Listen, excuse me if I ask, but, what did the billboard say?
- "We'll be back soon".
- Hello, good morning. May I kindly ask you for two minutes of your time to answer a couple of questions?
- No, listen, if it's Verizon again...as I was telling you this morning, I already...
- This is not Verizon.
- Oh. Herbalife?
- No.
- The book club? The free Kirby in-home demonstration?
- No. We are calling you from the future.
- Nice one, really. Not bad. Whatever it is, I don't need it.
- Perhaps I did not make myself clear: I am literally calling you from the future.
- What do you mean? What day is it there?
- Tuesday.
- No: what month, what year.
- Today it is exactly the 11th of February 2053.
- Come on!
- Almost the 12th.
- Where did you get my number?
- Well, talking of this... we found your number as soon as we got here, on the Earth, a few hours ago.
- You are bound to tell me how you got it, you know it, don't you?
- I am telling you we found it here on the Earth, written on a huge billboard. We got here, we had a walk around, we tried to ask for information, but nobody was there.
- So you dialled a number at random...
- No. We dialled the number indicated on the billboard: there was this big sign, and below: "For information".
- And my number was there?
- Is this 340-9827063?
- Yes. Right, this is my number.
- And this was exactly the number written up there. We have even checked online: your telephone belongs to "MobiTel Call Center - Inbound and outbound telephone services", at least since November 2031.
- ...that is about twenty years from now.
- Are you telling me I got the wrong year? Excuse me, what date have you got?
- It's not the date that "I" have got: it's a convention between myself and about 6 billion other people.
- And according to such convention, what would be the date over there?
- Today's date is 11th February 2009.
- And you all agree it is the 11th of February 2009?
- Oh, well, erm, yes: except maybe for the Muslims, the Jews and the whole of India, I think.
- So not all of you are so sure it is the right date.
- Let's put it this way: the majority has decided that today's date is 11th February 2009.
- You may be all wrong.
- Let's also say that nobody thinks today is the 11th of November 2031 for sure.
- Are you sure?
- Quite.
- How bizarre: usually the Supreme Sidereal Controlling Authority for Personal Data is rather fussy when collecting such information. When you make a TimeCallTM using the Genesis option, you are entitled to an answer from the line provider at the time of activation.
- Right.
- ...that, as far as I know, has occurred 22 years after what you have called "today".
- Yes... Now, listen, I really wouldn't want to start arguing with you on the fact that there's a lot of us who call it "today" ... Anyway, I have no idea: try asking someone else, over there.
- Someone else... like whom?
- Well, a supervisor, or something like that...
- Forgive me, perhaps I did not make myself clear. When I said before that we arrived, had a walk around and nobody was there, I really meant nobody. In general. On the whole planet: empty. Deserted.
- Tell me again: exactly, who are you?
- The new tenants.
- Of the Earth?
- Of the Earth, exactly.
- So you got here and ...
- ...and did not find a soul. There was only the great mess you left and this huge billboard.
- I see. Listen, excuse me if I ask, but, what did the billboard say?
- "We'll be back soon".
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved