The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 4
Chapter 4
- Listen, I could stay here talking with you for ages, I really mean it, but you have to believe me when I say I really must go now. Besides, you are spending a lot of money.
- A lot of what?
- Of money.
- That is to say?
- Money: I guess that this call is going to be very expensive for you.
- Forgive me, I understand you quite well in general, but I just cannot grasp some of the not so common words. I am not very fluent in your language.
- What's the problem?
- I don't know what "money" means.
- In what sense?
- I ignore the meaning of this word.
- You have never heard of money?
- No.
- What's your job on the planet?
- I am an employee at the Ministry of the Linguistic Way-out.
- And what is that?
- My duty is to check and correct all the correspondence directed to Jupiter, to avoid any diplomatic incident.
- I don't think I've understood.
- I cancel from the letters and the documents directed to Jupiter all the words including a zed, and replace them with synonyms. Priority is given to documents, then I go through private correspondence and finally I check all the postcards. When I find one saying: "Greetings from Zanzibar", I discard it right away.
- Oh.
- Not an easy job.
- I can imagine.
- Would you like to try?
- Try what?
- I know by heart the synonyms of all the words containing a zed: just say one at random.
- Zany.
- Zany: merry, cheerful, comical, burlesque, contented, funny, farcical, happy, festive, gay, jocose, pleasant, amusing, witty, humorous, lively.
- And you are telling me you don't know what "money" means?
- I don't see any zeds in that word.
- So, what is it that you do, actually?
- I open the letters, I make sure there are no words with a zed and, if I find one, I stick a paper strip over it with a synonym I like but that doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.
- Ok. Let's go back to where we started: in return for your job, the Ministry gives you something, right?
- Right.
- Well: that something is money.
- Not in my case.
- What do you mean, not in your case?
- The Ministry, like all employers on my planet, appreciates my job and, in return for my kindness, takes care of my family and me.
- So you don't get paid?
- I don't know what it means, so I guess I don't.
- You have no payslip, cheques, or credits to your current account?
- I really cannot follow you. I think it would be easier if you explained what this...money is.
- Money is... How can I put this just like that...is pieces of paper of different value we exchange to obtain something we need, or desire.
- If they are all pieces of paper, they must have the value of paper, am I right? Or some of them are made with a more valuable type of paper?
- No, the paper is all the same: we are the ones who decide the value of each piece of paper.
- So, tell me if I'm right: if I need something I just have to decide that the piece of paper I'm holding will have the value I need to obtain that something.
- No, it doesn't work that way. The more common pieces of paper are worth less, and you need lots of them to have in return one of the rarer ones. The central bank of the state where we live prints them and write their value over them. Then, we receive them in return for our work.
- So you work... to get paper in return?
- No. Oh, gosh, yes: to obtain paper that in turn we use in exchange for goods and services.
- I see. So, let's suppose you needed a tangerine: you only have to find someone who needs paper, and give it to them.
- More or less, yes.
- It mustn't be easy to find somebody who needs that paper so badly they are willing to exchange it for a tangerine.
- It doesn't work exactly that way: those who receive the paper will use it to get something they need in return. Like, let's say, a kiwi.
- Uhm.
- You seem doubtful.
- I just don't understand where all the paper goes.
- It doesn't go anywhere: the paper keeps circulating and being exchanged.
- Yes, but, forgive me, wouldn't it be easier for the tangerine owner to find someone who is willing to barter it with a kiwi, without having to deal with all these pieces of paper?
- No, because it's easier to find someone who needs that paper rather than someone who needs the tangerine, or the kiwi.
- Really?
- Really.
- I have a lot of paper.
- But any paper won't do: you need the paper printed by the bank.
- But, can't I just ask the bank to write over it how much it's worth?
- Look, I think you are focusing a little too much on a detail that doesn't help you getting to the point. Never mind the paper, it's not important. It's not that money is only made of paper. Let me give you an example: with time I have collected some of those paper pieces; when I had collected enough I took them to the bank, and deposited them there, even though they were not made of paper any more. Now, if I need something, I only need my bank to declare I own the paper. At one point, my bank will talk to the bank of the guy who has what I need, and together will agree to start saying that I have a little less money, and the other guy a little more.
- And what does the bank get?
- For each of such transactions, the bank earns a commission, and keeps it. Now that money belongs to the bank.
- I knew it would be that way. What I was wondering instead is: if the bank's goal is also to collect money, but the money it handles is not actually visible because it's enough - as you were saying - for the bank to claim it owns the money... at that point, who can prevent the bank from claiming it owns a hell of a lot of money, even if it's not true?
- ...
- ...
- Erm...well...I guess I must get informed on this.
- A lot of what?
- Of money.
- That is to say?
- Money: I guess that this call is going to be very expensive for you.
- Forgive me, I understand you quite well in general, but I just cannot grasp some of the not so common words. I am not very fluent in your language.
- What's the problem?
- I don't know what "money" means.
- In what sense?
- I ignore the meaning of this word.
- You have never heard of money?
- No.
- What's your job on the planet?
- I am an employee at the Ministry of the Linguistic Way-out.
- And what is that?
- My duty is to check and correct all the correspondence directed to Jupiter, to avoid any diplomatic incident.
- I don't think I've understood.
- I cancel from the letters and the documents directed to Jupiter all the words including a zed, and replace them with synonyms. Priority is given to documents, then I go through private correspondence and finally I check all the postcards. When I find one saying: "Greetings from Zanzibar", I discard it right away.
- Oh.
- Not an easy job.
- I can imagine.
- Would you like to try?
- Try what?
- I know by heart the synonyms of all the words containing a zed: just say one at random.
- Zany.
- Zany: merry, cheerful, comical, burlesque, contented, funny, farcical, happy, festive, gay, jocose, pleasant, amusing, witty, humorous, lively.
- And you are telling me you don't know what "money" means?
- I don't see any zeds in that word.
- So, what is it that you do, actually?
- I open the letters, I make sure there are no words with a zed and, if I find one, I stick a paper strip over it with a synonym I like but that doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.
- Ok. Let's go back to where we started: in return for your job, the Ministry gives you something, right?
- Right.
- Well: that something is money.
- Not in my case.
- What do you mean, not in your case?
- The Ministry, like all employers on my planet, appreciates my job and, in return for my kindness, takes care of my family and me.
- So you don't get paid?
- I don't know what it means, so I guess I don't.
- You have no payslip, cheques, or credits to your current account?
- I really cannot follow you. I think it would be easier if you explained what this...money is.
- Money is... How can I put this just like that...is pieces of paper of different value we exchange to obtain something we need, or desire.
- If they are all pieces of paper, they must have the value of paper, am I right? Or some of them are made with a more valuable type of paper?
- No, the paper is all the same: we are the ones who decide the value of each piece of paper.
- So, tell me if I'm right: if I need something I just have to decide that the piece of paper I'm holding will have the value I need to obtain that something.
- No, it doesn't work that way. The more common pieces of paper are worth less, and you need lots of them to have in return one of the rarer ones. The central bank of the state where we live prints them and write their value over them. Then, we receive them in return for our work.
- So you work... to get paper in return?
- No. Oh, gosh, yes: to obtain paper that in turn we use in exchange for goods and services.
- I see. So, let's suppose you needed a tangerine: you only have to find someone who needs paper, and give it to them.
- More or less, yes.
- It mustn't be easy to find somebody who needs that paper so badly they are willing to exchange it for a tangerine.
- It doesn't work exactly that way: those who receive the paper will use it to get something they need in return. Like, let's say, a kiwi.
- Uhm.
- You seem doubtful.
- I just don't understand where all the paper goes.
- It doesn't go anywhere: the paper keeps circulating and being exchanged.
- Yes, but, forgive me, wouldn't it be easier for the tangerine owner to find someone who is willing to barter it with a kiwi, without having to deal with all these pieces of paper?
- No, because it's easier to find someone who needs that paper rather than someone who needs the tangerine, or the kiwi.
- Really?
- Really.
- I have a lot of paper.
- But any paper won't do: you need the paper printed by the bank.
- But, can't I just ask the bank to write over it how much it's worth?
- Look, I think you are focusing a little too much on a detail that doesn't help you getting to the point. Never mind the paper, it's not important. It's not that money is only made of paper. Let me give you an example: with time I have collected some of those paper pieces; when I had collected enough I took them to the bank, and deposited them there, even though they were not made of paper any more. Now, if I need something, I only need my bank to declare I own the paper. At one point, my bank will talk to the bank of the guy who has what I need, and together will agree to start saying that I have a little less money, and the other guy a little more.
- And what does the bank get?
- For each of such transactions, the bank earns a commission, and keeps it. Now that money belongs to the bank.
- I knew it would be that way. What I was wondering instead is: if the bank's goal is also to collect money, but the money it handles is not actually visible because it's enough - as you were saying - for the bank to claim it owns the money... at that point, who can prevent the bank from claiming it owns a hell of a lot of money, even if it's not true?
- ...
- ...
- Erm...well...I guess I must get informed on this.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved