The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 7
Chapter 7
- You were telling me it's a problem for you if I hang up.
- Exactly.
- May I ask you why?
- Well: given that the Supreme Sidereal Controlling Authority for Personal Data cannot do wrong and, as far as we know, has never done wrong, there must have been a connection problem, or something like that, that has diverted my call to your day, your month, your year, and your telephone number.
- Yes, could be. And now?
- And now we have three problems. The first one is that if you do hang up I am not sure I will be able to talk to someone who will answer from the right day, month and year. The second one is that, if nobody else will answer, the chances for that same contact to redirect me to you again are, frankly speaking, rather slight. The third, and more serious right now, I must say, is that we have spent or exchanged all we had for this trip, so this is the last call we can afford.
- The last call?
- Exactly. We found a small metallic disk in a little hole inside the telephone.
- A small metallic disk? A coin, you mean?
- I have no idea. The telephone at first was giving out the engaged tone, so we inserted the small metallic disk, and it started working. But it won't give it back.
- So you are calling from a phone booth?
- Exactly.
- I thought they had all disappeared.
- Well, this one seems to be actually here, and working.
- And there's really nobody around who may lend you another coin?
- You keep forgetting what I have already explained: we haven't met anyone on this planet.
- Maybe everybody is sleeping.
- On both hemispheres?
- You are right. Can you tell me were you are right now? What can you see from there?
- A huge billboard with "We'll be back soon" written on it, and this phone booth.
- What else?
- Nothing else.
- Since you've arrived all you have seen is a phone booth, a billboard and nothing else?
- Well, some water as well. A lot of it.
- Let me think...Can't you jump on your starship and go back home?
- What is a starship?
- Excuse me, but how exactly did you get on the Earth?
- That's a really weird question. In the usual way, how else?
- What usual way?
- By trolleybus.
- By what?
- By trolleybus, never heard of them? They are like proper buses, but guided by wires. We bought our tickets, got on the bus, took a seat, had a nice sing-along for a while, and got off at the Earth bus stop.
- This means that, sooner or later, that same trolleybus will be passing again. If the bus stop is there...
- The bus stop "Earth" is not a regular stop: when you get on the bus you must explain to the driver that you are bound there, so he will deviate from the original route, and take you there. Besides, considering that this planet is deserted, I can see why they decided to cut out the bus stop from the official itinerary.
- You are saying that the driver is never going to come back and pick you up?
- Of course not: we came here to stay, to settle down. Not for a single moment we thought we would go back to where we come from. And we could have never imagined we would find your planet in such a state.
- Listen, I'm looking out of the window now, and what I see is a planet in perfect conditions. Well, okay, let's say in good conditions. I see people in the streets, children in parks, super-high buildings packed with people working. How could all this be gone in forty years' time?
- I would say even less than that: judging from the debris we have found, analysed and gathered on unflooded lands, I suspect that on this planet nobody has bothered to water the plants for at least twenty years.
- I just can't seem to figure this out.
- You could, say, have all gone on vacation.
- For twenty years? All six billions of inhabitants?
- I don't see anything strange in it. That's what we did: we all left our planet to reach the Earth together with our loved ones.
- How many families?
- Well, I can't tell you exactly how many, just like that. All the families living on the planet, for sure.
- I don't think I've quite got that one: how many of you landed on the Earth?
- Including me?
- As you wish.
- Including me, three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine people.
- And these three billion people or more... they're all there with you right now?
- Of course not: they are all waiting outside the phone booth.
- Exactly.
- May I ask you why?
- Well: given that the Supreme Sidereal Controlling Authority for Personal Data cannot do wrong and, as far as we know, has never done wrong, there must have been a connection problem, or something like that, that has diverted my call to your day, your month, your year, and your telephone number.
- Yes, could be. And now?
- And now we have three problems. The first one is that if you do hang up I am not sure I will be able to talk to someone who will answer from the right day, month and year. The second one is that, if nobody else will answer, the chances for that same contact to redirect me to you again are, frankly speaking, rather slight. The third, and more serious right now, I must say, is that we have spent or exchanged all we had for this trip, so this is the last call we can afford.
- The last call?
- Exactly. We found a small metallic disk in a little hole inside the telephone.
- A small metallic disk? A coin, you mean?
- I have no idea. The telephone at first was giving out the engaged tone, so we inserted the small metallic disk, and it started working. But it won't give it back.
- So you are calling from a phone booth?
- Exactly.
- I thought they had all disappeared.
- Well, this one seems to be actually here, and working.
- And there's really nobody around who may lend you another coin?
- You keep forgetting what I have already explained: we haven't met anyone on this planet.
- Maybe everybody is sleeping.
- On both hemispheres?
- You are right. Can you tell me were you are right now? What can you see from there?
- A huge billboard with "We'll be back soon" written on it, and this phone booth.
- What else?
- Nothing else.
- Since you've arrived all you have seen is a phone booth, a billboard and nothing else?
- Well, some water as well. A lot of it.
- Let me think...Can't you jump on your starship and go back home?
- What is a starship?
- Excuse me, but how exactly did you get on the Earth?
- That's a really weird question. In the usual way, how else?
- What usual way?
- By trolleybus.
- By what?
- By trolleybus, never heard of them? They are like proper buses, but guided by wires. We bought our tickets, got on the bus, took a seat, had a nice sing-along for a while, and got off at the Earth bus stop.
- This means that, sooner or later, that same trolleybus will be passing again. If the bus stop is there...
- The bus stop "Earth" is not a regular stop: when you get on the bus you must explain to the driver that you are bound there, so he will deviate from the original route, and take you there. Besides, considering that this planet is deserted, I can see why they decided to cut out the bus stop from the official itinerary.
- You are saying that the driver is never going to come back and pick you up?
- Of course not: we came here to stay, to settle down. Not for a single moment we thought we would go back to where we come from. And we could have never imagined we would find your planet in such a state.
- Listen, I'm looking out of the window now, and what I see is a planet in perfect conditions. Well, okay, let's say in good conditions. I see people in the streets, children in parks, super-high buildings packed with people working. How could all this be gone in forty years' time?
- I would say even less than that: judging from the debris we have found, analysed and gathered on unflooded lands, I suspect that on this planet nobody has bothered to water the plants for at least twenty years.
- I just can't seem to figure this out.
- You could, say, have all gone on vacation.
- For twenty years? All six billions of inhabitants?
- I don't see anything strange in it. That's what we did: we all left our planet to reach the Earth together with our loved ones.
- How many families?
- Well, I can't tell you exactly how many, just like that. All the families living on the planet, for sure.
- I don't think I've quite got that one: how many of you landed on the Earth?
- Including me?
- As you wish.
- Including me, three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine people.
- And these three billion people or more... they're all there with you right now?
- Of course not: they are all waiting outside the phone booth.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved