The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 10
Chapter 10
- Could you tell me one thing?
- If it's possible...
- Is everybody still there outside the phone booth?
- Yes.
- And what are they doing?
- They are looking at me, what else? And they're waiting.
- And they're not angry?
- Not for the time being.
- And is that normal?
- Quite normal: we are a rather patient civilization by nature. No wonder that the planet we come from used to have the worst call centers of the whole galaxy: the average waiting time on the phone just to have a telephone line installed was, more or less, half a day.
- Half a day to have a new telephone line connected seems quite an acceptable waiting time to me.
- I mean the time you had to wait on the phone before you actually got to speak to the operator.
- Oh!
- You sound surprised.
- I am, but I don't want to embark with you on yet another comparison between our planets, as it is quite clear that myself and the other about 6 billion inhabitants of the Earth always come out of it in a rather bad shape.
- That is because you do not appreciate the noble pleasure of discussion: we argue even without a reason, whenever we have the chance and, often, even when we are in total agreement.
- What do you mean?
- It occurs quite often that a discussion is started just for the pleasure of starting it, even when we share the same opinion.
- I don't get it.
- Let's suppose you and I were both supporters of the new gasification plant for waste disposal that is being set up right behind your Moon...
- Behind whose moon?
- Behind yours. They have been building it for years and it is almost finished. They decided to put it right behind, on the face you cannot see, so that you wouldn't notice.
- But I'm completely against it!
- See, this actually simplifies things a lot: you do not agree with it, I do. We could engage in a passionate discussion that would go on for days on end. If, instead, you agreed with me, we would have to draw the one between us who would have to pretend supporting the opposite side.
- This doesn't change the fact that I do not agree with it. Who decided they had to build it just round the corner from where I live?
- Now you tell me something: what is the average distance you cover every day?
- This is beside the point!
- You answer my question and you'll see that, if I'm asking, there must be a reason.
- I am not sure... half a mile walking and about two by car.
- You drive for two miles to go where?
- To my office.
- Could you claim in total honesty that your office is located close to where you live?
- Of course it isn't, otherwise why would I go by car?
- There.
- There...what? When you say "There"it only means you are ready to prove that I've gone wrong somewhere.
- I said "There", because you dare to claim that something that is located just two miles from where you live is "far from home", whereas you are quick to get all excited if I inform you that they are finishing building a gasification plant on the dark side of your Moon, that, for the record, according to the latest calculations, is 249,999 miles away from your planet, the Earth.
- All right, I see your point, but it's still my planet: it's like home to me.
- Could you pack your bags right now and move from where you are to a random area of the Earth, and settle in that exact point?
- You are over-simplifying: of course I couldn't. My passport has expired, maybe I would have to ask for a Visa, and probably, depending on the area, also to get vaccinated against some disease.
- I see: you are telling me that the guys who live in that random place of the Earth consider you one of the family so much that they ask you to show an official paper, a written authorization plus the favor of seeing a doctor before going, because you never know what kind of disease you might take over there? That doesn't really seem a nice way to treat a neighbor.
- Okay, it's true, I can't travel around just like that: I have to go through a lot of bureaucracy first. And, perhaps, I would even have to apply to get the nationality of the place I'm settling down in.
- And you know why?
- No, I don't, but I have the feeling you are about to make this revelation to me.
- You are going to settle in somebody else's home, that's why. How big is yours?
- Mine what? You mean my apartment?
- Yes.
- Something like 295 square feet.
- Right. Let's take the inhabitable surface of your planet, which amounts to... Hang on a second, I am looking for the data on the real estate agency brochure... Here it is... to 196,937,400 square miles, so now let's divide it by your 295 square feet. Well...
- Well, what?
- One more second, I am waiting for the results... Here it is: according to the calculations we may gather that you would legitimately own 1.7 per cent elevated to the -17th of the Earth.
- If there's one thing I am sure of right now, is that I am totally confused.
- It is a rather low figure, if you think of it: imagine you calculated 1.7 per cent of 1.7 per cent for seventeen times. What results is your portion of the Earth: a bit too small for you to oppose the construction of a sidereal gasification plant that will cater for a few million planets, most of them - if not all of them - by far bigger than yours. However, if you wish, you may give the proxy to somebody who will represent you at the next General Planets Council for the Environmental Recovery of the Galaxy: it will be held in two days in a warehouse in the suburbs of Gamma Orionix. Unless you decide to attend personally...
- Yeah, sure, I was thinking about going, but I doubt I will make it without missing the second half of the match.
- Too bad.
- Too bad indeed.
- If it's possible...
- Is everybody still there outside the phone booth?
- Yes.
- And what are they doing?
- They are looking at me, what else? And they're waiting.
- And they're not angry?
- Not for the time being.
- And is that normal?
- Quite normal: we are a rather patient civilization by nature. No wonder that the planet we come from used to have the worst call centers of the whole galaxy: the average waiting time on the phone just to have a telephone line installed was, more or less, half a day.
- Half a day to have a new telephone line connected seems quite an acceptable waiting time to me.
- I mean the time you had to wait on the phone before you actually got to speak to the operator.
- Oh!
- You sound surprised.
- I am, but I don't want to embark with you on yet another comparison between our planets, as it is quite clear that myself and the other about 6 billion inhabitants of the Earth always come out of it in a rather bad shape.
- That is because you do not appreciate the noble pleasure of discussion: we argue even without a reason, whenever we have the chance and, often, even when we are in total agreement.
- What do you mean?
- It occurs quite often that a discussion is started just for the pleasure of starting it, even when we share the same opinion.
- I don't get it.
- Let's suppose you and I were both supporters of the new gasification plant for waste disposal that is being set up right behind your Moon...
- Behind whose moon?
- Behind yours. They have been building it for years and it is almost finished. They decided to put it right behind, on the face you cannot see, so that you wouldn't notice.
- But I'm completely against it!
- See, this actually simplifies things a lot: you do not agree with it, I do. We could engage in a passionate discussion that would go on for days on end. If, instead, you agreed with me, we would have to draw the one between us who would have to pretend supporting the opposite side.
- This doesn't change the fact that I do not agree with it. Who decided they had to build it just round the corner from where I live?
- Now you tell me something: what is the average distance you cover every day?
- This is beside the point!
- You answer my question and you'll see that, if I'm asking, there must be a reason.
- I am not sure... half a mile walking and about two by car.
- You drive for two miles to go where?
- To my office.
- Could you claim in total honesty that your office is located close to where you live?
- Of course it isn't, otherwise why would I go by car?
- There.
- There...what? When you say "There"it only means you are ready to prove that I've gone wrong somewhere.
- I said "There", because you dare to claim that something that is located just two miles from where you live is "far from home", whereas you are quick to get all excited if I inform you that they are finishing building a gasification plant on the dark side of your Moon, that, for the record, according to the latest calculations, is 249,999 miles away from your planet, the Earth.
- All right, I see your point, but it's still my planet: it's like home to me.
- Could you pack your bags right now and move from where you are to a random area of the Earth, and settle in that exact point?
- You are over-simplifying: of course I couldn't. My passport has expired, maybe I would have to ask for a Visa, and probably, depending on the area, also to get vaccinated against some disease.
- I see: you are telling me that the guys who live in that random place of the Earth consider you one of the family so much that they ask you to show an official paper, a written authorization plus the favor of seeing a doctor before going, because you never know what kind of disease you might take over there? That doesn't really seem a nice way to treat a neighbor.
- Okay, it's true, I can't travel around just like that: I have to go through a lot of bureaucracy first. And, perhaps, I would even have to apply to get the nationality of the place I'm settling down in.
- And you know why?
- No, I don't, but I have the feeling you are about to make this revelation to me.
- You are going to settle in somebody else's home, that's why. How big is yours?
- Mine what? You mean my apartment?
- Yes.
- Something like 295 square feet.
- Right. Let's take the inhabitable surface of your planet, which amounts to... Hang on a second, I am looking for the data on the real estate agency brochure... Here it is... to 196,937,400 square miles, so now let's divide it by your 295 square feet. Well...
- Well, what?
- One more second, I am waiting for the results... Here it is: according to the calculations we may gather that you would legitimately own 1.7 per cent elevated to the -17th of the Earth.
- If there's one thing I am sure of right now, is that I am totally confused.
- It is a rather low figure, if you think of it: imagine you calculated 1.7 per cent of 1.7 per cent for seventeen times. What results is your portion of the Earth: a bit too small for you to oppose the construction of a sidereal gasification plant that will cater for a few million planets, most of them - if not all of them - by far bigger than yours. However, if you wish, you may give the proxy to somebody who will represent you at the next General Planets Council for the Environmental Recovery of the Galaxy: it will be held in two days in a warehouse in the suburbs of Gamma Orionix. Unless you decide to attend personally...
- Yeah, sure, I was thinking about going, but I doubt I will make it without missing the second half of the match.
- Too bad.
- Too bad indeed.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved