The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 11
Chapter 11
- Remember before, when I asked you if you could tell me something?
- Yes?
- ...You answered: "If it's possible".
- Of course.
- Why, there are things you cannot tell me?
- It's more than obvious there are.
- And is there a particular reason why you cannot tell me those things?
- More than a particular reason: a legal one.
- That is to say?
- It's forbidden any contact that may affect the less developed civilizations, spoiling their natural development, and it is likewise strictly prohibited to interfere in the internal affairs of a government or of another planet.
- With "less developed"... you mean us terrestrials?
- Your questions are often rhetorical, have you noticed?
- Actually, I think I've heard this one in "Star Trek".
- That's pretty normal.
- Is it?
- "This one", as you call it, is the "Prime Directive", a law that the governments of most of the planets of this and of neighboring galaxies have undersigned so that you could stand on your two feet.
- No, actually I was referring to that "Star Trek" thing. It didn't seem normal to me.
- "Star Trek" has been the main instrument employed in all these years by those extraterrestrial populations, when they needed to let you know something.
- You are telling me you used "Star Trek" to communicate with us?
- That, and the things written under fruit juice caps.
- You mean that all we see in "Star Trek" is real and possible?
- All of it.
- Even the warp drive?
- Certainly, also the warp drive. If in the meantime you had invented it you would not be subject to the limitations imposed by the Prime Directive anymore.
- Transporters too?
- Yes, even transporters.
- And how come don't you use them to move around, instead of the trolleybus? Or even now, for instance, to go back to where you come from?
- Because teleportation is forbidden even more than time travelling.
- Is it?
- The invention of teleportation has brought in countless advantages and a few drawbacks that could not be neglected.
- Like what?
- First of all, people started appearing in the middle of parties without being invited.
- Not a big deal, in my opinion.
- It became a problem, even on the Earth, the year when a Pleiadian sheperd won the Academy award for best actor in a leading role, appearing out of the blue on stage next to the two presenters. He had even prepared the thank-you speech: they let him say hallo to his relatives, he even looked a little moved reading the passage in which he dedicated the award to his wife and daughter, and even walked out with the audience applauding sincerely. Rumor has it he is still very proud of that award, and that he shows it off on a shelf at home on the first of the Seven Sisters of the Pleiades. But worse was to follow...
- Like what?
- During the brief period when teleportation was still legal, you can imagine how many clandestine couples were caught by their legitimate spouses who had appeared from nowhere.
- Well, I don't think that's a good reason to prohibit the use of one of the greatest devices ever invented.
- You are forgetting the toaster.
- After the toaster, of course... But, come on: I think that's a tad too extreme.
- And what about the collapse of the transport industry?
- Yes, I know, but...
- Not to mention the ancillary industries. An impressive quantity of activities became totally useless overnight: windshield cleaning at traffic-lights; the collection of free fuel coupons; plastic film suitcase wrapping in airports; weather forecasts; trolleybus driving licences ... Not a happy period for a lot of people. And then, of course, there was also the privacy problem...
- What has privacy got to do with teleportation?
- Let me explain with an example: who is your favorite actress?
- I'd say Jessica Alba.
- Can't you think of one of your own actresses?
- What do you mean?
- Jessica Alba doesn't come from the Earth.
- She doesn't?
- Do you think it could be possible?
- Actually, no.
- She will be fit for the purpose anyway. Now, let's say you were an enthusiastic admirer of Jessica Alba, one of those obsessive fanatics that nothing would stop: if you could use teleportation, how long would it take to realize that you can appear and disappear at your own will in Jessica Alba's house, in Jessica Alba's shower, in Jessica Alba's bed?
- Now that you make me think of it...
- And you wouldn't be the only one: you have no idea of how many people were caught red-handed inside other people's properties, all busy spying on actresses, singers, models or even just neighbors soaking in the bath tub. If you were particularly perceptive you would surely think of other illegal ways to use teleportation.
- Like what?
- Like appearing inside the vault of one of those things you call "banks", and then vanishing with the loot. Or walking in a cinema without buying your ticket. Or disappearing from the dressing room of a store wearing the clothes you were trying on. I could go on forever.
- Please, don't: I have understood.
- I am pleased you have. To tell the truth, considering that you have ignored for years our messages under fruit juice caps, you are not exactly well-known for being a particularly clever race.
- I never even noticed there was something written under bottle caps.
- That's what I meant.
- But what did the messages say?
- Simple things , like: "Relax", "Come on, it can't be that bad", or my favorite : "You'd better not".
- "You'd better not?" in what sense?
- In a general sense.
- And despite all those satellite dishes, hundreds of feet wide, we have installed around the planet to intercept you or send you a signal, you are telling me you were communicating with us through captain Picard and fruit juice caps?
- Exactly. We've also been in talks with the Chinese to insert suggestions in fortune cookies, but negotiations fell through because they were asking too much money and wanted to have the exclusive licence.
- But...Hang on a second... In this very moment you are communicating with me!
- I do not see anything wrong in that.
- You don't? And what about the Prime Directive? It said it was forbidden to give us information, to interfere with our natural development...
- It did, for sure. But now I was wondering that you may not know of the existence of a Second Directive.
- There's another one?
- There are many of them. The Second one reasserts the concepts of the First, but it is foreseen that an exception may be made once in a while when dealing with your particular planet.
- Why only with us?
- All the signatories were perfectly aware that if they had decided you had to make it completely on your own it meant you would have condemned yourself to extinction. This is the reason why, with time, a bill was passed that enabled us to send you little and harmless suggestions so that you could live better on your planet, or to give you the hints you needed to complete some of your ideas, to help you elaborate them and become independent, at last.
- And you thought we had to understand all this just reading under caps?
- I cannot think of any other way.
- Have you read my message?
- What message?
- It said that you are a patronizing and agonizingly brazen-faced race.
- And how could I have possibily read it, tell me!
- I am writing it for you right now on a popsicle stick. You should find forty-four years from now.
- Yes?
- ...You answered: "If it's possible".
- Of course.
- Why, there are things you cannot tell me?
- It's more than obvious there are.
- And is there a particular reason why you cannot tell me those things?
- More than a particular reason: a legal one.
- That is to say?
- It's forbidden any contact that may affect the less developed civilizations, spoiling their natural development, and it is likewise strictly prohibited to interfere in the internal affairs of a government or of another planet.
- With "less developed"... you mean us terrestrials?
- Your questions are often rhetorical, have you noticed?
- Actually, I think I've heard this one in "Star Trek".
- That's pretty normal.
- Is it?
- "This one", as you call it, is the "Prime Directive", a law that the governments of most of the planets of this and of neighboring galaxies have undersigned so that you could stand on your two feet.
- No, actually I was referring to that "Star Trek" thing. It didn't seem normal to me.
- "Star Trek" has been the main instrument employed in all these years by those extraterrestrial populations, when they needed to let you know something.
- You are telling me you used "Star Trek" to communicate with us?
- That, and the things written under fruit juice caps.
- You mean that all we see in "Star Trek" is real and possible?
- All of it.
- Even the warp drive?
- Certainly, also the warp drive. If in the meantime you had invented it you would not be subject to the limitations imposed by the Prime Directive anymore.
- Transporters too?
- Yes, even transporters.
- And how come don't you use them to move around, instead of the trolleybus? Or even now, for instance, to go back to where you come from?
- Because teleportation is forbidden even more than time travelling.
- Is it?
- The invention of teleportation has brought in countless advantages and a few drawbacks that could not be neglected.
- Like what?
- First of all, people started appearing in the middle of parties without being invited.
- Not a big deal, in my opinion.
- It became a problem, even on the Earth, the year when a Pleiadian sheperd won the Academy award for best actor in a leading role, appearing out of the blue on stage next to the two presenters. He had even prepared the thank-you speech: they let him say hallo to his relatives, he even looked a little moved reading the passage in which he dedicated the award to his wife and daughter, and even walked out with the audience applauding sincerely. Rumor has it he is still very proud of that award, and that he shows it off on a shelf at home on the first of the Seven Sisters of the Pleiades. But worse was to follow...
- Like what?
- During the brief period when teleportation was still legal, you can imagine how many clandestine couples were caught by their legitimate spouses who had appeared from nowhere.
- Well, I don't think that's a good reason to prohibit the use of one of the greatest devices ever invented.
- You are forgetting the toaster.
- After the toaster, of course... But, come on: I think that's a tad too extreme.
- And what about the collapse of the transport industry?
- Yes, I know, but...
- Not to mention the ancillary industries. An impressive quantity of activities became totally useless overnight: windshield cleaning at traffic-lights; the collection of free fuel coupons; plastic film suitcase wrapping in airports; weather forecasts; trolleybus driving licences ... Not a happy period for a lot of people. And then, of course, there was also the privacy problem...
- What has privacy got to do with teleportation?
- Let me explain with an example: who is your favorite actress?
- I'd say Jessica Alba.
- Can't you think of one of your own actresses?
- What do you mean?
- Jessica Alba doesn't come from the Earth.
- She doesn't?
- Do you think it could be possible?
- Actually, no.
- She will be fit for the purpose anyway. Now, let's say you were an enthusiastic admirer of Jessica Alba, one of those obsessive fanatics that nothing would stop: if you could use teleportation, how long would it take to realize that you can appear and disappear at your own will in Jessica Alba's house, in Jessica Alba's shower, in Jessica Alba's bed?
- Now that you make me think of it...
- And you wouldn't be the only one: you have no idea of how many people were caught red-handed inside other people's properties, all busy spying on actresses, singers, models or even just neighbors soaking in the bath tub. If you were particularly perceptive you would surely think of other illegal ways to use teleportation.
- Like what?
- Like appearing inside the vault of one of those things you call "banks", and then vanishing with the loot. Or walking in a cinema without buying your ticket. Or disappearing from the dressing room of a store wearing the clothes you were trying on. I could go on forever.
- Please, don't: I have understood.
- I am pleased you have. To tell the truth, considering that you have ignored for years our messages under fruit juice caps, you are not exactly well-known for being a particularly clever race.
- I never even noticed there was something written under bottle caps.
- That's what I meant.
- But what did the messages say?
- Simple things , like: "Relax", "Come on, it can't be that bad", or my favorite : "You'd better not".
- "You'd better not?" in what sense?
- In a general sense.
- And despite all those satellite dishes, hundreds of feet wide, we have installed around the planet to intercept you or send you a signal, you are telling me you were communicating with us through captain Picard and fruit juice caps?
- Exactly. We've also been in talks with the Chinese to insert suggestions in fortune cookies, but negotiations fell through because they were asking too much money and wanted to have the exclusive licence.
- But...Hang on a second... In this very moment you are communicating with me!
- I do not see anything wrong in that.
- You don't? And what about the Prime Directive? It said it was forbidden to give us information, to interfere with our natural development...
- It did, for sure. But now I was wondering that you may not know of the existence of a Second Directive.
- There's another one?
- There are many of them. The Second one reasserts the concepts of the First, but it is foreseen that an exception may be made once in a while when dealing with your particular planet.
- Why only with us?
- All the signatories were perfectly aware that if they had decided you had to make it completely on your own it meant you would have condemned yourself to extinction. This is the reason why, with time, a bill was passed that enabled us to send you little and harmless suggestions so that you could live better on your planet, or to give you the hints you needed to complete some of your ideas, to help you elaborate them and become independent, at last.
- And you thought we had to understand all this just reading under caps?
- I cannot think of any other way.
- Have you read my message?
- What message?
- It said that you are a patronizing and agonizingly brazen-faced race.
- And how could I have possibily read it, tell me!
- I am writing it for you right now on a popsicle stick. You should find forty-four years from now.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved