The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 14
Chapter 14
- Will you excuse me for a second?
- Of course.
- ...
- ...
- I'm back.
- What happened?
- Nothing, the crowd out there was clamoring.
- Was it? And what were they shouting? Are you in danger? Are you being threatened?
- No, I'm in no danger and nobody was shouting: one of them, at the back, just coughed.
- Just one?
- Yes. Quite annoying, don't you think?
- One of the... I can't remember how many billions, waiting outside that phone booth?
- Three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine people, including me.
- You want me to believe they are all keeping silent?
- They have to, if they want me to hear you.
- Nobody is rumbling, whistling, mumbling, moaning or praying?
- Excuse me?
- You are dealing with a delicate situation all by yourself, that's why I was asking you if somebody had started making noises, or whistling...
- No, the last thing you said.
- Nobody is praying?
- Praying to whom?
- Well, what can I say... to God?
- And we should pray to him for what?
- For him to solve your problem, for a start.
- And why would he be able to solve it?
- I'd say, first of all, because he is God, so, if you believe in him, you also believe he is almighty.
- Probably we are not talking about the same person.
- I don't understand: don't you have a God?
- Of course we have a God, but what you don't know is that we had an argument with him.
- You had an argument with him?
- Exactly.
- With God?
- Yes.
- All of you? All three billions?
- I just cannot see what's so strange about it.
- Well, you may believe in God or not, but you can't have an argument with him.
- Why not? It's not a matter of believing or not: we saw him, so we are sure he does exist. It's just that he's not the great guy they say.
- What do you mean?
- See, we got along quite well with our previous God.
- Your previous God?
- Yes. He was really a great guy: very busy, sure, but he would always find the time to listen to all our problems. Of course, the queue was huge, but you just had to submit a regular request and you knew for sure you would get your answer, one day.
- If I have understood correctly, this is what we call "praying".
- I just cannot see why we should have prayed to get an answer: he was just doing his job.
- I must admit your argument is flawless .
- Of course it is. As I was saying before, on the whole he was all right.
- On the whole?
- Yes, well, we all did stupid things when we were young. That insider trading case was finally closed. And that unpleasant story of the swindle of relics: also there, no evidence for the prosecution.
- Hold on a second, or I'll get everything mixed up. You were telling me you trusted him. What happened next?
- Well, it's simple: one day he just died.
- God died?
- It had to happen sooner or later.
- You really mean that?
- Sure: we knew already he was not feeling too well. Recently, he looked quite pale, even on frescoes. The problems started when his son replaced him: he really wasn't cut out for the job. He had absolutely no interest in anything that may happen to us: he slept until late and spent his nights in clubs; he hung out with the scum; he gambled heavily and would often lose; he squandered all his money in women, fast cars and who knows what else. And he always looked so, how can I say?... Absent-minded.
- To make things clear: we are still talking about God, right? The one who is supposed to have created you?
- Not at all. The guy found everything as it is. It always happens that way with those who come from money, with everything ready and waiting : when you have at your disposal this kind of fortune, something you have not earned since you haven't worked a single day of your life, it is obvious that, in the end, you will bring the family empire to ruin.
- And he did?
- Just think that once he lost us playing poker.
- He lost what, exactly?
- The entire planet, including us.
- Oh.
- He had one pair with a seven and a two and called a Jovial's bluff, and the Jovial had a straight: how dumb can you be?
- And how did you get your planet back?
- We raised some money that covered a part of the debt and for the rest we had to pawn our rings.
- Your mean your golden wedding rings?
- I really have no idea what these wedding rings are: I mean the rings around the planet. Some of them were really beautiful: you can see them around Jupiter now.
- The rings around Jupiter were your rings?
- Yes. We lost them after that hand. They only had to widen them a bit because they didn't fit so well.
- So, one day, you had this argument with him, simple as that? With the son, I mean.
- More than having an argument, we just stopped talking.
- You stopped talking with him?
- Yes, and he stopped talking with us. We haven't heard from him for some years now: last time they took a picture of him coming out of rehab giving the paparazzi the finger. You will agree with me that we weren't really making a good impression, also with other species...
- Why, you mean each species has its own God?
- Of course, each of them. You thought if was your God that did it all?
- Telling the truth, yes, we really did.
- Of course.
- ...
- ...
- I'm back.
- What happened?
- Nothing, the crowd out there was clamoring.
- Was it? And what were they shouting? Are you in danger? Are you being threatened?
- No, I'm in no danger and nobody was shouting: one of them, at the back, just coughed.
- Just one?
- Yes. Quite annoying, don't you think?
- One of the... I can't remember how many billions, waiting outside that phone booth?
- Three billion, one hundred sixty-eight million, four hundred thousand eleven, seven hundred and twenty-nine people, including me.
- You want me to believe they are all keeping silent?
- They have to, if they want me to hear you.
- Nobody is rumbling, whistling, mumbling, moaning or praying?
- Excuse me?
- You are dealing with a delicate situation all by yourself, that's why I was asking you if somebody had started making noises, or whistling...
- No, the last thing you said.
- Nobody is praying?
- Praying to whom?
- Well, what can I say... to God?
- And we should pray to him for what?
- For him to solve your problem, for a start.
- And why would he be able to solve it?
- I'd say, first of all, because he is God, so, if you believe in him, you also believe he is almighty.
- Probably we are not talking about the same person.
- I don't understand: don't you have a God?
- Of course we have a God, but what you don't know is that we had an argument with him.
- You had an argument with him?
- Exactly.
- With God?
- Yes.
- All of you? All three billions?
- I just cannot see what's so strange about it.
- Well, you may believe in God or not, but you can't have an argument with him.
- Why not? It's not a matter of believing or not: we saw him, so we are sure he does exist. It's just that he's not the great guy they say.
- What do you mean?
- See, we got along quite well with our previous God.
- Your previous God?
- Yes. He was really a great guy: very busy, sure, but he would always find the time to listen to all our problems. Of course, the queue was huge, but you just had to submit a regular request and you knew for sure you would get your answer, one day.
- If I have understood correctly, this is what we call "praying".
- I just cannot see why we should have prayed to get an answer: he was just doing his job.
- I must admit your argument is flawless .
- Of course it is. As I was saying before, on the whole he was all right.
- On the whole?
- Yes, well, we all did stupid things when we were young. That insider trading case was finally closed. And that unpleasant story of the swindle of relics: also there, no evidence for the prosecution.
- Hold on a second, or I'll get everything mixed up. You were telling me you trusted him. What happened next?
- Well, it's simple: one day he just died.
- God died?
- It had to happen sooner or later.
- You really mean that?
- Sure: we knew already he was not feeling too well. Recently, he looked quite pale, even on frescoes. The problems started when his son replaced him: he really wasn't cut out for the job. He had absolutely no interest in anything that may happen to us: he slept until late and spent his nights in clubs; he hung out with the scum; he gambled heavily and would often lose; he squandered all his money in women, fast cars and who knows what else. And he always looked so, how can I say?... Absent-minded.
- To make things clear: we are still talking about God, right? The one who is supposed to have created you?
- Not at all. The guy found everything as it is. It always happens that way with those who come from money, with everything ready and waiting : when you have at your disposal this kind of fortune, something you have not earned since you haven't worked a single day of your life, it is obvious that, in the end, you will bring the family empire to ruin.
- And he did?
- Just think that once he lost us playing poker.
- He lost what, exactly?
- The entire planet, including us.
- Oh.
- He had one pair with a seven and a two and called a Jovial's bluff, and the Jovial had a straight: how dumb can you be?
- And how did you get your planet back?
- We raised some money that covered a part of the debt and for the rest we had to pawn our rings.
- Your mean your golden wedding rings?
- I really have no idea what these wedding rings are: I mean the rings around the planet. Some of them were really beautiful: you can see them around Jupiter now.
- The rings around Jupiter were your rings?
- Yes. We lost them after that hand. They only had to widen them a bit because they didn't fit so well.
- So, one day, you had this argument with him, simple as that? With the son, I mean.
- More than having an argument, we just stopped talking.
- You stopped talking with him?
- Yes, and he stopped talking with us. We haven't heard from him for some years now: last time they took a picture of him coming out of rehab giving the paparazzi the finger. You will agree with me that we weren't really making a good impression, also with other species...
- Why, you mean each species has its own God?
- Of course, each of them. You thought if was your God that did it all?
- Telling the truth, yes, we really did.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved