The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 19
Chapter 19
- I have four minutes left to save the Earth from who knows what, and what you do? You start going all cryptic. So, you know a way to save us all from disappearing?
- Remember before, when I told you that time-travelling is prohibited?
- No, please, I beg you: there's no time for the whole story, I need to know what to do now. And if we do all understand it straightaway, it will be better for everyone.
- Well, I mentioned a Joint Time Police whose task is to detect all offences...
- I give up. You'll never make it. Yes?
- Well, I will spare you the details of the many living beings that were caught red-handed holding a toaster, completely smeared in sunscreen. Objects and lifeless things, on the contrary, proved they could cope better.
- Tell. Me. What. To. Do.
- First of all, this coin I need, do you have it with you?
- Hold on... Here... I have four coins in my trousers' pocket. But how do you need them?
- I need them immediately of course, what kind of question is that?
- No, I was referring to the coin's value ... Never mind.
- Get out the four coins, wrap them carefully, have a look around and find a heavy container, made of stone or metal alloys...Something indestructible, if possible.
- I wrapped the coins. I am looking for the container now: will a big crystal ashtray do the trick?
- Do you smoke?
- Yes, so what?
- So you smoke and you don't recycle.
- For a second, try to focus your attention on the survival of your species and answer me: is the ashtray all right, or not?
- No. Too fragile. The best would be something carved out of stone.
- You know what? I will put the coins inside the sturdiest object I own.
- And what's that?
- A teapot.
- Three minutes! I have the coins, I have the teapot. What do I do now?
- Do you have a garden?
- Is that important?
- Quite important, yes.
- Yes, there's the communal garden of the block of flats, it's just before the front door.
- Is the telephone wire long enough to get there?
- It's a cordless phone: we should be able to speak also from there.
- Good, my directions will be easy then.
- Shall I go to the garden?
- No, you must run to the garden.
- ...
- Are you running there?
- I'm going down the stairs.
- Good.
- ...
- How many steps have you there?
- I live on the third floor.
- I see. We should make it, if we hurry up.
- Here I am, I'm in the garden and I am holding the teapot with the coins.
- Now you should find a spade.
- I am sure you will have guessed that a spade is not one of those things we carry around all the time in case of sudden need.
- You may use your hands, if you wish: the important thing is to dig quite a deep hole.
- I have to dig a hole?
- I'd spend ages applauding your incredible intuition powers, but I am afraid we have no time for that.
- But no, I can't dig a hole here just like that, without a motivation that may sound, to say the least, reasonable in a residents' meeting.
- You may as well explain to your neighbours that you won't need any more meetings, since you will soon become all extinct.
- ...
- I hear a noise. Have you started digging?
- No, I am forcing open the door of the gardener's tool shed.
- But that's a metallic noise you are making.
- I am hitting hard the padlock with the teapot. And you will be delighted to know I have found the spade.
- Let's put it this way: I am making a real effort in sharing your joy, so that I can avoid having to use my hands.
- I have no idea how deep a hole I can dig in just two minutes.
- Have you started digging?
- Of course I have.
- Have you found a place that will not attract too much attention?
- If you are asking me if I have carried out all the fundamental geological tests, well, no, I haven't.
- There is something more important you have to do, while you are digging.
- And what's that?
- You have to tell me exactly where you are digging.
- If you have pen and paper to hand, I can give you the address: 42 Ladbroke Grove, Kensington, London.
- I am afraid that, at this point, I am not making myself clear.
- What's the problem now?
- As I have already explained to you a few times before, we have arrived here and found a flooding underway, a billboard with your number written on and a phone booth. Nothing else.
- So what?
- You gave me your home address, but you must have understood by now that at the time of this call your house will not exist anymore. Moreover, Kensington will have ended up the same way, together with the remains of the city you call London.
- You mean to say that not a single building survived?
- Not a single one.
- Not even a road?
- I may be wrong, but I can be quite meticulous when describing things. And when I say we only found a billboard and a phone booth, I am not saying "a couple of things" meaning "a small quantity": I say "a couple of things" and what I really mean is "two things": a billboard and a phone booth. Full stop.
- On the entire planet?
- I have been telling you since the beginning of this conversation. Think of a city, any one: well, that city does not exist anymore, regardless of how you used to call it. For this reason I absolutely need that you give me some further information.
- I see. But why exactly you need to know where I used to live?
- I need to know so that I can send someone to find the teapot you have buried.
- You are going to be extremely angry at me if I tell you I haven't quite got how this whole thing really works?
- My species is unable, as you say, to "get angry". All we do is become pedantic. If you confirm you are still digging, I will explain what is not clear yet.
- Yes, I am still digging.
- Good. It' s quite simple: you bury the teapot with the coins inside, and I send someone to pick it up. The teapot will travel in time in the only way you know - which is also the only way allowed: forward.
- And how can the teapot travel in time?
- Remaining buried for 44 years, hoping that someone else, in the meantime, will dig up there and find it. It works this way: I cannot send you anything because I would break the law that prohibits time travelling; but you, on the other hand, can send me things simply by trying to preserve them until the moment I arrive upon your planet.
- Oh. It was that easy?
- I told you so.
- How deep is the hole?
- I have no idea: less than 4 feet. Approximately.
- That will do: throw the teapot in the hole and cover up everything. Quick!
- Done!
- Good. Now you have less than 45 seconds to give me the right indications to recover the teapot.
- While the lady was speaking I had this idea: I have my mobile phone here, I could give you the GPS coordinates.
- Something that could be extremely helpful, if only I knew what a GPS is.
- In brief, it's a system that enables us to know exactly where we are in a given moment by questioning some satellites revolving around the planet. Each place on the Earth may be connected to two coordinates: longitude and latitude.
- Hold on: I don't care for names now. I need to know how those satellites can detect you. Have you traced some lines?
- Exactly, some imaginary lines: parallels are the horizontal ones and meridians are the vertical ones.
- I don't need names. I need to know their number and from where they depart.
- That's easy: meridians are 180; they depart from the North Pole and end at the South Pole.
- Aren't the "poles" those huge ice cubes dipped in water at both sides of the planet?
- Very good. Parallels, on the other hand, are also 180, but they depart from Greenwich.
- What is Greenwich?
- A nice little neighbourhood in South London.
- Remember what I told you before? No more cities, billboard, phone booth, desert, and so on and so forth?
- Now, I am afraid this is going to be a problem.
- It will be for sure. Give me the coordinates: there's only a few seconds left!
- Give me one moment.
- To do what?
- The GPS is unable to see a sufficient number of satellites in order to establish a position.
- I believe the 45 seconds are running out.
- Hold on! Here they are! I have them! Latitude 51 degrees, 30 minutes 40.61 seconds North. Longitude 0 degrees, 12 minutes 19.43 seconds West. Did you note them down?
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- Are you still there?
- ...
- Hello?
- Remember before, when I told you that time-travelling is prohibited?
- No, please, I beg you: there's no time for the whole story, I need to know what to do now. And if we do all understand it straightaway, it will be better for everyone.
- Well, I mentioned a Joint Time Police whose task is to detect all offences...
- I give up. You'll never make it. Yes?
- Well, I will spare you the details of the many living beings that were caught red-handed holding a toaster, completely smeared in sunscreen. Objects and lifeless things, on the contrary, proved they could cope better.
- Tell. Me. What. To. Do.
- First of all, this coin I need, do you have it with you?
- Hold on... Here... I have four coins in my trousers' pocket. But how do you need them?
- I need them immediately of course, what kind of question is that?
- No, I was referring to the coin's value ... Never mind.
- Get out the four coins, wrap them carefully, have a look around and find a heavy container, made of stone or metal alloys...Something indestructible, if possible.
- I wrapped the coins. I am looking for the container now: will a big crystal ashtray do the trick?
- Do you smoke?
- Yes, so what?
- So you smoke and you don't recycle.
- For a second, try to focus your attention on the survival of your species and answer me: is the ashtray all right, or not?
- No. Too fragile. The best would be something carved out of stone.
- You know what? I will put the coins inside the sturdiest object I own.
- And what's that?
- A teapot.
- Beep Beep. EarthCom is somewhat flattered by your stubbornness, however we are obliged to inform you once again that the coins you have inserted will not be enough to cover the cost of this TimeCall™ with Genesis option when the next 3 minutes will have run out. Give our warmest greetings to the other speaker and hang up as long as you can without getting into trouble.
- Three minutes! I have the coins, I have the teapot. What do I do now?
- Do you have a garden?
- Is that important?
- Quite important, yes.
- Yes, there's the communal garden of the block of flats, it's just before the front door.
- Is the telephone wire long enough to get there?
- It's a cordless phone: we should be able to speak also from there.
- Good, my directions will be easy then.
- Shall I go to the garden?
- No, you must run to the garden.
- ...
- Are you running there?
- I'm going down the stairs.
- Good.
- ...
- How many steps have you there?
- I live on the third floor.
- I see. We should make it, if we hurry up.
- Here I am, I'm in the garden and I am holding the teapot with the coins.
- Now you should find a spade.
- I am sure you will have guessed that a spade is not one of those things we carry around all the time in case of sudden need.
- You may use your hands, if you wish: the important thing is to dig quite a deep hole.
- I have to dig a hole?
- I'd spend ages applauding your incredible intuition powers, but I am afraid we have no time for that.
- But no, I can't dig a hole here just like that, without a motivation that may sound, to say the least, reasonable in a residents' meeting.
- You may as well explain to your neighbours that you won't need any more meetings, since you will soon become all extinct.
- ...
- I hear a noise. Have you started digging?
- No, I am forcing open the door of the gardener's tool shed.
- But that's a metallic noise you are making.
- I am hitting hard the padlock with the teapot. And you will be delighted to know I have found the spade.
- Let's put it this way: I am making a real effort in sharing your joy, so that I can avoid having to use my hands.
- Beep Beep. EarthCom is glad to inform you we are about to lose our patience: it is clear that if you had more coins at your disposal you would have inserted them by now. This TimeCall™ with Genesis option will be interrupted within the next 2 minutes and we will do our best to try to end it in the middle of a very important sentence. No hard feelings.
- I have no idea how deep a hole I can dig in just two minutes.
- Have you started digging?
- Of course I have.
- Have you found a place that will not attract too much attention?
- If you are asking me if I have carried out all the fundamental geological tests, well, no, I haven't.
- There is something more important you have to do, while you are digging.
- And what's that?
- You have to tell me exactly where you are digging.
- If you have pen and paper to hand, I can give you the address: 42 Ladbroke Grove, Kensington, London.
- I am afraid that, at this point, I am not making myself clear.
- What's the problem now?
- As I have already explained to you a few times before, we have arrived here and found a flooding underway, a billboard with your number written on and a phone booth. Nothing else.
- So what?
- You gave me your home address, but you must have understood by now that at the time of this call your house will not exist anymore. Moreover, Kensington will have ended up the same way, together with the remains of the city you call London.
- You mean to say that not a single building survived?
- Not a single one.
- Not even a road?
- I may be wrong, but I can be quite meticulous when describing things. And when I say we only found a billboard and a phone booth, I am not saying "a couple of things" meaning "a small quantity": I say "a couple of things" and what I really mean is "two things": a billboard and a phone booth. Full stop.
- On the entire planet?
- I have been telling you since the beginning of this conversation. Think of a city, any one: well, that city does not exist anymore, regardless of how you used to call it. For this reason I absolutely need that you give me some further information.
- I see. But why exactly you need to know where I used to live?
- I need to know so that I can send someone to find the teapot you have buried.
- You are going to be extremely angry at me if I tell you I haven't quite got how this whole thing really works?
- My species is unable, as you say, to "get angry". All we do is become pedantic. If you confirm you are still digging, I will explain what is not clear yet.
- Yes, I am still digging.
- Good. It' s quite simple: you bury the teapot with the coins inside, and I send someone to pick it up. The teapot will travel in time in the only way you know - which is also the only way allowed: forward.
- And how can the teapot travel in time?
- Remaining buried for 44 years, hoping that someone else, in the meantime, will dig up there and find it. It works this way: I cannot send you anything because I would break the law that prohibits time travelling; but you, on the other hand, can send me things simply by trying to preserve them until the moment I arrive upon your planet.
- Oh. It was that easy?
- I told you so.
- Beep Beep. EarthCom is now extremely pleased to inform you we will end this stupid conversation within the next minute. We are truly sorry none of our operators is free right now to get there and insult you personally. Our only consolation is knowing that quite probably you will not be able to finish your conversation since you have only one minute at your disposal. A minute that has now become 45 seconds while you were listening to this pre-recorded message. Good-bye.
- How deep is the hole?
- I have no idea: less than 4 feet. Approximately.
- That will do: throw the teapot in the hole and cover up everything. Quick!
- Done!
- Good. Now you have less than 45 seconds to give me the right indications to recover the teapot.
- While the lady was speaking I had this idea: I have my mobile phone here, I could give you the GPS coordinates.
- Something that could be extremely helpful, if only I knew what a GPS is.
- In brief, it's a system that enables us to know exactly where we are in a given moment by questioning some satellites revolving around the planet. Each place on the Earth may be connected to two coordinates: longitude and latitude.
- Hold on: I don't care for names now. I need to know how those satellites can detect you. Have you traced some lines?
- Exactly, some imaginary lines: parallels are the horizontal ones and meridians are the vertical ones.
- I don't need names. I need to know their number and from where they depart.
- That's easy: meridians are 180; they depart from the North Pole and end at the South Pole.
- Aren't the "poles" those huge ice cubes dipped in water at both sides of the planet?
- Very good. Parallels, on the other hand, are also 180, but they depart from Greenwich.
- What is Greenwich?
- A nice little neighbourhood in South London.
- Remember what I told you before? No more cities, billboard, phone booth, desert, and so on and so forth?
- Now, I am afraid this is going to be a problem.
- It will be for sure. Give me the coordinates: there's only a few seconds left!
- Give me one moment.
- To do what?
- The GPS is unable to see a sufficient number of satellites in order to establish a position.
- I believe the 45 seconds are running out.
- Hold on! Here they are! I have them! Latitude 51 degrees, 30 minutes 40.61 seconds North. Longitude 0 degrees, 12 minutes 19.43 seconds West. Did you note them down?
- ...
- Hello?
- ...
- Are you still there?
- ...
- Hello?
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved