The Great Phone Directory of the Earth and neighbouring planets: Chapter 20
Chapter 20
- Hello?
- …
- Please, answer me!
- …
- Have you noted down the coordinates?
- …
- Tell me you have, please… Hello?
- You know something? This is the ugliest teapot I have ever seen.
- You found it! I can’t believe it! You found it!
- If I didn’t know already it is the only one left, I would say it is the ugliest teapot on the face of the Earth.
- Why you remained silent for so long? You haven’t got the faintest idea of how worried I was.
- It took us a while, considering that, apart from your bad taste in teapots, your information on that London neighbourhood from where all meridians are supposed to start, was totally useless.
- You mean Greenwich?
- Now, tell me what sentient species would calibrate the entire geographical mapping system of its planet on the communal park of a suburban neighbourhood of one of its biggest cities?
- That is because we took the Royal Greenwich Observatory, that has been there since the end of the 17th century, as a reference site, and all the others followed suit.
- Let me see if I got this right: you were incapable of finding an agreement over a single supernatural entity to rule your planet, but you were able to come to terms on the zero passing over your head?
- How did you find Greenwich?
- We did not find it.
- So how did you reach the teapot?
- You mentioned before a satellite-based positioning system …
- Yes, the GPS.
- That one. We captured one of those.
- You captured...what?
- A satellite.
- Oh, you mean you took possession of a satellite.
- No, we captured it, I’m telling you. Or better, to tell the truth, we captured two of them, but something went wrong with the first one.
- What do you mean?
- We were not able to draw out any information other than its name and serial number.
- Maybe that’s because satellites cannot speak…?
- They do speak, believe me, if you know how to handle them. But, see, that was a military satellite.
- Of course. Makes perfect sense.
- The second one, on the other hand, looked rather depressed, and surrendered without offering any resistance.
- Depressed?
- Something like that: it begged us to ask him for information.
- So, it told you where Greenwich was…
- No: we gave it the coordinates and it took us just over your house.
- Good.
- …but only after telling us its sad story.
- What story?
- When you went away you left it all alone: it claims that in the last twenty years or so nobody has ever asked it how to go from one place to another. It is quite angry.
- The satellite?
- It is still trembling. And there’s one more thing I have to say…
- Tell me.
- You may easily decide to go away and never come back, sure, but you cannot leave all that garbage revolving around what was once your planet!
- What have you found?
- In brief, since the Earth had nothing of that sort, it seems you had to build some artificial garbage rings around it.
- Now, this sounds a bit too extreme…
- Not at all. Have you an idea of how many indisputably human-made revolving objects we have counted?
- No, I really can’t tell…
- Almost 35,000. Of which, only about 35% still functioning: the other 22,689 were clearly in a state of neglect. And I am mentioning only the bigger ones. What a gruesome vision.
- Gruesome? Come on…
- I’m telling you that in order to find them we just had to follow a heartbreaking chant of sighs and moans.
- You stumbled across a line-up of depressed satellites?
- How would you feel if somebody drove you to outer space, opened the boot and dumped you there, all alone, for years and years, with no spare batteries, and then ran away?
- Not very well, actually. And that’s because I’m human and I have feelings: satellites, on the other hand, are machines, machines made of iron and, most of all - are you ready for this revelation? – They are not sentient. And exactly for this reason they cannot cry, sigh, mumble, be disappointed, feel lonely and, above all, speak.
- Listen, that satellite is here with me: we became friends, it told us its name, and I can assure you it is in a rather pitiful condition. Luckily, it cannot hear all your badmouthing.
- What’s its name?
- Tom.
- And what is the last name?
- Tom.
- Just Tom?
- No, Tom, twice.
- If you give Tom the handset a second I’ll try to speak to it and show you that a satellite is only a machine incapable of understanding what you and I are saying.
- I believe that, due to its peculiar structure, it will be incapable of holding it.
- Just hold it close to its ear. Or at least to what may look like an ear to you.
- Here it is. This … This looks like an ear. I’ll try.
- Tell me when you are ready.
- OK, go. But, please, remember to consider carefully the situation, and try to be tactful.
- Hi Tom!
- I am pleased to meet you.
- Tom, I just wanted to ask you a few questions, that’s all. I am sorry that my fellow- terrestrials abandoned you up there.
- Tom, there is no origin: I am talking to you from 44 years back in the past, and I am not going anywhere.
- I have no idea, Tom. But yes, delete it. I just wanted to tell you…
- Tom, there is no intersection and I don’t have to turn right…
- It’s exactly as I thought: you are programmed to repeat about thirty sentences you don’t even know the meaning of. And you don’t understand what I’m saying, do you, Tom?
- See? I told you so. Listen, Tom, will you give the handset back to the gentleman who was there before?
- Who was that?
- That was Tom, obviously. Why?
- The one with the voice of a know-all German professor, talking of presumption, prejudice and so on and so forth?
- I am telling you that was Tom. What is the matter?
- I only received road indications.
- See, establishing relations with other living beings it’s not really your cup of tea.
- And I’m telling you again that a satellite is - not - a - living - being.
- You know what it is doing right now?
- No.
- It is rubbing against my leg and … You know that thing you told me before, that thing some of your animals do when they are happy?
- You mean… purring?
- No.
- Is it wagging its tail?
- Yes, that thing.
- You know what? Since I am sure I would never believe the scene you are describing not even if I saw it myself, why don’t you tell me instead how did you find the coins and the teapot in such a short time?
- What do you mean?
- The last thing I remember telling you were the coordinates: you remained in silence for a few seconds, then came back and carried on with the conversation normally. Did you manage to insert a new coin?
- It is more than obvious I did.
- So you are telling me that in the short time you remained in silence you managed, in order of time, to: jot the coordinates down; kidnap a satellite and threaten another; listen to the tear-jerking life story of one of them; locate where London is; get to Ladbroke Grove; dig; find the teapot; realize how ugly it is; go back to the phone booth and insert the coins. Will you please explain to me how you did all that without having to go back in time?
- We did not go back in time, we just stopped it. Didn’t I tell you? To stop time is totally allowed.
- …
- Please, answer me!
- …
- Have you noted down the coordinates?
- …
- Tell me you have, please… Hello?
- You know something? This is the ugliest teapot I have ever seen.
- You found it! I can’t believe it! You found it!
- If I didn’t know already it is the only one left, I would say it is the ugliest teapot on the face of the Earth.
- Why you remained silent for so long? You haven’t got the faintest idea of how worried I was.
- It took us a while, considering that, apart from your bad taste in teapots, your information on that London neighbourhood from where all meridians are supposed to start, was totally useless.
- You mean Greenwich?
- Now, tell me what sentient species would calibrate the entire geographical mapping system of its planet on the communal park of a suburban neighbourhood of one of its biggest cities?
- That is because we took the Royal Greenwich Observatory, that has been there since the end of the 17th century, as a reference site, and all the others followed suit.
- Let me see if I got this right: you were incapable of finding an agreement over a single supernatural entity to rule your planet, but you were able to come to terms on the zero passing over your head?
- How did you find Greenwich?
- We did not find it.
- So how did you reach the teapot?
- You mentioned before a satellite-based positioning system …
- Yes, the GPS.
- That one. We captured one of those.
- You captured...what?
- A satellite.
- Oh, you mean you took possession of a satellite.
- No, we captured it, I’m telling you. Or better, to tell the truth, we captured two of them, but something went wrong with the first one.
- What do you mean?
- We were not able to draw out any information other than its name and serial number.
- Maybe that’s because satellites cannot speak…?
- They do speak, believe me, if you know how to handle them. But, see, that was a military satellite.
- Of course. Makes perfect sense.
- The second one, on the other hand, looked rather depressed, and surrendered without offering any resistance.
- Depressed?
- Something like that: it begged us to ask him for information.
- So, it told you where Greenwich was…
- No: we gave it the coordinates and it took us just over your house.
- Good.
- …but only after telling us its sad story.
- What story?
- When you went away you left it all alone: it claims that in the last twenty years or so nobody has ever asked it how to go from one place to another. It is quite angry.
- The satellite?
- It is still trembling. And there’s one more thing I have to say…
- Tell me.
- You may easily decide to go away and never come back, sure, but you cannot leave all that garbage revolving around what was once your planet!
- What have you found?
- In brief, since the Earth had nothing of that sort, it seems you had to build some artificial garbage rings around it.
- Now, this sounds a bit too extreme…
- Not at all. Have you an idea of how many indisputably human-made revolving objects we have counted?
- No, I really can’t tell…
- Almost 35,000. Of which, only about 35% still functioning: the other 22,689 were clearly in a state of neglect. And I am mentioning only the bigger ones. What a gruesome vision.
- Gruesome? Come on…
- I’m telling you that in order to find them we just had to follow a heartbreaking chant of sighs and moans.
- You stumbled across a line-up of depressed satellites?
- How would you feel if somebody drove you to outer space, opened the boot and dumped you there, all alone, for years and years, with no spare batteries, and then ran away?
- Not very well, actually. And that’s because I’m human and I have feelings: satellites, on the other hand, are machines, machines made of iron and, most of all - are you ready for this revelation? – They are not sentient. And exactly for this reason they cannot cry, sigh, mumble, be disappointed, feel lonely and, above all, speak.
- Listen, that satellite is here with me: we became friends, it told us its name, and I can assure you it is in a rather pitiful condition. Luckily, it cannot hear all your badmouthing.
- What’s its name?
- Tom.
- And what is the last name?
- Tom.
- Just Tom?
- No, Tom, twice.
- If you give Tom the handset a second I’ll try to speak to it and show you that a satellite is only a machine incapable of understanding what you and I are saying.
- I believe that, due to its peculiar structure, it will be incapable of holding it.
- Just hold it close to its ear. Or at least to what may look like an ear to you.
- Here it is. This … This looks like an ear. I’ll try.
- Tell me when you are ready.
- OK, go. But, please, remember to consider carefully the situation, and try to be tactful.
- Hi Tom!
- Good Morning…
- I am pleased to meet you.
- …The temperature remains stable at around 59° F. Negligible traffic flow throughout the road and motorway network. Please select route.
- Tom, I just wanted to ask you a few questions, that’s all. I am sorry that my fellow- terrestrials abandoned you up there.
- Selected destination: “up there”. Now, enter origin and time of departure.
- Tom, there is no origin: I am talking to you from 44 years back in the past, and I am not going anywhere.
- Shall I delete the previously selected destination?
- I have no idea, Tom. But yes, delete it. I just wanted to tell you…
- Now proceed straight ahead. Then, at the second intersection, turn right.
- Tom, there is no intersection and I don’t have to turn right…
- Deletion of right turn: now recalculating alternative routes. Avoid tollbooths?
- It’s exactly as I thought: you are programmed to repeat about thirty sentences you don’t even know the meaning of. And you don’t understand what I’m saying, do you, Tom?
- If possible, pull a U-turn
- See? I told you so. Listen, Tom, will you give the handset back to the gentleman who was there before?
- Sir, I believe he wants to speak with you again. I tried, I really did, but it really seems that, despite all my efforts, my interlocutor is unable to overcome a prejudice that is deeply rooted in a tradition of presumption and of an unjustified sense of superiority.
- Who was that?
- That was Tom, obviously. Why?
- The one with the voice of a know-all German professor, talking of presumption, prejudice and so on and so forth?
- I am telling you that was Tom. What is the matter?
- I only received road indications.
- See, establishing relations with other living beings it’s not really your cup of tea.
- And I’m telling you again that a satellite is - not - a - living - being.
- You know what it is doing right now?
- No.
- It is rubbing against my leg and … You know that thing you told me before, that thing some of your animals do when they are happy?
- You mean… purring?
- No.
- Is it wagging its tail?
- Yes, that thing.
- You know what? Since I am sure I would never believe the scene you are describing not even if I saw it myself, why don’t you tell me instead how did you find the coins and the teapot in such a short time?
- What do you mean?
- The last thing I remember telling you were the coordinates: you remained in silence for a few seconds, then came back and carried on with the conversation normally. Did you manage to insert a new coin?
- It is more than obvious I did.
- So you are telling me that in the short time you remained in silence you managed, in order of time, to: jot the coordinates down; kidnap a satellite and threaten another; listen to the tear-jerking life story of one of them; locate where London is; get to Ladbroke Grove; dig; find the teapot; realize how ugly it is; go back to the phone booth and insert the coins. Will you please explain to me how you did all that without having to go back in time?
- We did not go back in time, we just stopped it. Didn’t I tell you? To stop time is totally allowed.
English translation by Paola Corazza
© 2009 Gianluca Neri - All Rights Reserved