Mel Cool: Mall Cop® Collected Comics by Walt Jaschek & Don Secrease's Notes
Q. Are you getting a piece of the action from the new movie "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," opening January 16, 2009, in theaters everywhere?
A. [BLEEP] no.
Q. Why is that?
A. Paul Blart: Mall Cop is not (as far as we know or can legally prove) based on Mel Cool: Mall Cop®, the long-running comicbook and web series created by Don Secrease and me in 1995, even though there was both a Mel Cool feature film screenplay and a cartoon series pilot script floating around Hollywood for years.
Q. What is your reaction to that?
A. Existential sadness mixed with raging anger.
Q. Really?
A. No, I'm just playin' with you.
Q. What?
A. I'm cool with it. Mel Cool with it. I'm philosophical about the whole thing.
Q. "Philosophical?"
A. Yes. In fact, let me put on this toga. [Rummages through a box of costumes, looking for the toga.]
Q. [While he does so.] But you just said there was a completed screenplay...
A. [Still rummaging.] There was. Cary Anderson and I wrote the story, based on the comic; Cary wrote the screenplay. Paul Fey produced. It's a funny script. But in Hollywood, you gotta be your own agent and work the thing on a daily basis. I was in St. Louis, Cary is in Baltimore, and Paul has World Wide Wadio to run.
Q. Quit rummaging.
A. [Finds toga, puts it on.] Ah, here it is! My philosophy is, live and learn.
Q. All that for that?
A. "Live and learn." To the first one to actually get a star and a deal and Happy Meal tie-ins, the spoils. Have we gleaned nothing from "Entourage"? Next time we bring a comedy concept to Hollywood, we dig in like a pit bulls on amphatemines. (Funny pit bulls. On funny amphatemines.)
Q. You have more movie-worthy comedy concepts?
A. What, are you kidding me? I'd tell you, but...
Q. ...you'd have to kill me?
A. [stares at him from an angle] No, but what an odd thing to say.
Q. [quickly changes subject] So: you're not bitter about Paul Blart and you're not suing?
A. No. I really think it's just great comic minds thinking alike. The movie looks really funny, actually. Kevin James. He knows from funny.
Q. Does Paul Fey still own the registered trademark for the name Mel Cool: Mall Cop® ?
A. He does. Paul dug in – and dug into his pockets – to register that trademark and is still the owner.
Q. Is he going to sue?
A. You'll have to ask Paul.
Q. Has the movie increased sales of Mel Cool: Mall Cop® merchandise?
A. We've sold one comic book, one t-shirt, and made about 46 cents in AdSense revenue.
Q. So it looks as if you're raking in some dough from the whole Mall Cop thing, after all.
A. Praise the mall gods. (There are mall gods, you know.)
Q. We believe you.
A. [BLEEP] no.
Q. Why is that?
A. Paul Blart: Mall Cop is not (as far as we know or can legally prove) based on Mel Cool: Mall Cop®, the long-running comicbook and web series created by Don Secrease and me in 1995, even though there was both a Mel Cool feature film screenplay and a cartoon series pilot script floating around Hollywood for years.
Q. What is your reaction to that?
A. Existential sadness mixed with raging anger.
Q. Really?
A. No, I'm just playin' with you.
Q. What?
A. I'm cool with it. Mel Cool with it. I'm philosophical about the whole thing.
Q. "Philosophical?"
A. Yes. In fact, let me put on this toga. [Rummages through a box of costumes, looking for the toga.]
Q. [While he does so.] But you just said there was a completed screenplay...
A. [Still rummaging.] There was. Cary Anderson and I wrote the story, based on the comic; Cary wrote the screenplay. Paul Fey produced. It's a funny script. But in Hollywood, you gotta be your own agent and work the thing on a daily basis. I was in St. Louis, Cary is in Baltimore, and Paul has World Wide Wadio to run.
Q. Quit rummaging.
A. [Finds toga, puts it on.] Ah, here it is! My philosophy is, live and learn.
Q. All that for that?
A. "Live and learn." To the first one to actually get a star and a deal and Happy Meal tie-ins, the spoils. Have we gleaned nothing from "Entourage"? Next time we bring a comedy concept to Hollywood, we dig in like a pit bulls on amphatemines. (Funny pit bulls. On funny amphatemines.)
Q. You have more movie-worthy comedy concepts?
A. What, are you kidding me? I'd tell you, but...
Q. ...you'd have to kill me?
A. [stares at him from an angle] No, but what an odd thing to say.
Q. [quickly changes subject] So: you're not bitter about Paul Blart and you're not suing?
A. No. I really think it's just great comic minds thinking alike. The movie looks really funny, actually. Kevin James. He knows from funny.
Q. Does Paul Fey still own the registered trademark for the name Mel Cool: Mall Cop® ?
A. He does. Paul dug in – and dug into his pockets – to register that trademark and is still the owner.
Q. Is he going to sue?
A. You'll have to ask Paul.
Q. Has the movie increased sales of Mel Cool: Mall Cop® merchandise?
A. We've sold one comic book, one t-shirt, and made about 46 cents in AdSense revenue.
Q. So it looks as if you're raking in some dough from the whole Mall Cop thing, after all.
A. Praise the mall gods. (There are mall gods, you know.)
Q. We believe you.
MEL COOL: MALL COP ® | The Animated Series
"Pilot" Teleplay by Walt Jaschek, based on the comicbook created by
Walt Jaschek and Don Secrease
[Scroll to bottom to see character art.]
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. NIGHT – TOP OF MASSIVE MALL’S CENTRAL TOWER
A giant, neon-blue Massive Mall SIGN, blinking on and off hypnotically. Behind the sign, stars and full moon.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Welcome, my friends, to Massive Mall. The world’s tallest mall.
A sudden extreme zoom-out reveals the entire mall: three steel-and-glass towers, each 44 stories high, lit by multiple spotlights from below. The towers have connecting walkways, and from afar the combined structures look like a giant letter “M.”
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Look at it. These three connected towers are each 44 stories tall. That’s a lot of mall, baby.
A helicopter enters the frame from behind us and arcs toward the mall.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
It also looks like a giant “M”, doesn’t it? That has to be intentional.
EXT. NIGHT – ON THE FULL MOON
As another helicopter – huge, military-style – crosses the moon, about to land. Through the windows we see dozens of eager faces peering out, like immigrants seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Massive Mall gets more than one million dazed and amazed visitors a year from all around the bargain-hungry world.
EXT. DAY – THE MALL’S HELICOPTER PAD
Rotating runway lights momentarily blind us. The huge helicopter lands. Propellers slow. Copter doors slide open, and tones of eager shoppers of all nationalities rush out.
MEL COOL (V.O.) It’s a pulsating mass of humanity, starved for the tribal experience of shopping – and getting it big-time 24 hours a day. Imagine the crowds. Imagine the complications.
EXT. DAY – A MASSIVE MALL ENTRANCE DOOR
The crowd flows through the doors en masse.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Imagine the crimes.
INT. – MASSIVE MALL – A RAILING ON AN UPPER LEVEL
Looking past the padded shoulder pad of Mel Cool as he gazes down on a dizzying series of crisscrossing escalators, jammed with people.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Me? I try not to imagine it.
(beat)
I have enough nightmares as it is.
REVERSE ANGLE – REVEALING MEL
Dramatically lit, he leans against a railing, looking out, a bagel in one hand a steaming cup of java in the other. There’s a FANFARE. Mel takes a sip of Joe, slurping.
MEL COOL
Slurrrrrp!
INT. – MALL CORRIDOR
Mel, now addressing us directly, begins to walk the mall, eating and slurping at the same time. Shoppers pass him, smiling, waving, giving him the “thumbs up.”
MEL COOL
My name is Mel Cool: Mall Cop. Proud employee of Massive Mall
Security. Tonight I’m on the midnight shift, which started...
He looks at his wrist, revealing a little computer attached with a watchband.
CLOSE-UP OF WRISTBAND COMPUTER
The time blinks 12:05 a.m.
MEL COOL
Well, actually, it just started. But you can already feel the potential for trouble, can’t you?
I can. I’m the law.
FANFARE out of nowhere as we zoom in on the badge and back out again.
Mel starts walking again.
MEL COOL
Right now I’m the only mall cop
in all of Massive Mall. Can you
believe that? What can I say.
Management is cheap.
Mel ducks behind a pillar, peeks around it to make sure he isn’t being followed, turns to us conspiratorially, and shields his mouth to not be overheard.
MEL COOL
More on that later.
He comes back from behind the pillar, pounds on his big shoulder pads.
MEL COOL
We do have some nifty gear, though.
For instance, these are my bullet-
proof soulder pads. Yes, they’re
flattering to my body shape, but
moreover...
He pulls the shoulder pads down to cover his chest.
MEL COOL
...they move!
From off-screen, three empty tin cans are thrown against Mel’s chest. They all bounce right off. He pulls the pads back up to his shoulders.
MEL COOL
Sweet, huh?
MEL’S P.O.V.
The three teen-agers who threw the cans grin sheepishly. They drop the remaining cans in their hands and dash off.
MEL COOL
That’s nothing. Watch this.
With a flourish, Mel pulls out his Grappling Pistol: a gun with a giant grappling hook on one end, a huge ball of cable-line on the other.
MEL COOL
Grappling pistol. Standard issue.
BLAM! He fires the pistol straight up.
TRACKING WITH GRAPPLING HOOK
As it shoots up through a series of cutaways sections in the ceilings of floors above.
INT. – A CORRIDOR HIGH ABOVE
The grappling hook hits the end of its line. It falls back on a mall railing with a CLANK!
BACK ON MEL
Holding the pistol above his head with both hands, he is being lifted off the floor, the cable reeling him up like a fish on a line.
BACK TO THE CORRIDOR HIGH ABOVE
For a moment, all we see is a railing. Then, Mel climbs over, grunts, brushes himself off. A group of people, bemused, looks on.
MEL COOL
[Grunt!] I bet this thing’s going
to come in handy later in this story.
(notices the teens)
Okay, people. Let’s break it up. Don’t
you have somewhere to shop?
The people shrug and disperse. Mel shakes in head in contempt, but is startled by a voice from off.
DOUGHY
Officer Cool! Officer Cool!
MEL
Wh...?
REVERSE ANGLE – MEL’S P.O.V.
The front façade of “Doughy’s Bagel Barn,” an elaborate snack counter with tables out front, filled with people. Doughy O’Drip, the portly, mustachioed proprietor, is behind the counter, waving frantically to Mel.
DOUGHY
Officer Cool!
C.U. MEL – SQUINTING
MEL (sotto voice)
Excellent!
INT. – CLOSER ON DOUGHY’S BAGEL BARN
As Mel Cool walks up to the counter. Doughy, beaming, salutres.
DOUGHY
Great to see you again, Officer!
MEL COOL
Hello, Doughy. At ease.
Doughy drops the salute and holds up a ready train containing more bagels and a hot mug of coffee.
DOUGHY
The regular?
Mel takes the bagels and coffee from the tray.
MEL COOL
Oh, yeah.
(to us)
This is Doughy O’Drip. Owner of
Doughy’s Bagel Barn. He bakes the
best bagels and pours the hottest
cuppa Joe in all of Massive Mall.
Best of all, he’s something of a
sycophant.
DOUGHY (not insulted)
Awwww...that’s nice of you, Officer
Cool. And you know, I think you’re
the best darn mall cop in all of
Massive Mall. Even though you’re the
only one.
MEL COOL (eating)
I appreciate the support, citizen.
DOUGHY
But, um, I was wondering...
MEL COOL
Yes?
DOUGHY
Well...
MEL COOL
Spill it, man!
DOUGHY
Could you possibly pay me for the
two dozen poppyseed bagels you’ve
eaten this week?
A portentous music chord.
MEL COOL
Pay?
DOUGHY
Perhaps?
MEL COOL
For the poppyseed.
DOUGHY
Possibly?
MEL COOL
Sure. Sure, I’ll pay.
DOUGHY
Great!
MEL COOL
Here.
Mel digs into his pockets, comes with with a bunch of wrapped coin rolls and throws them on the counter, where they break into piles of coins.
DOUGHY
Uh...thanks. Thanks, Officer!
Doughy begins to sweep up the coins with a whisk broom and dust-catcher.
MEL COOL
Yeah, sure. Just remember this,
my caffeine-and-carbohydrate-
friend....
Stirring music under Mel’s speech.
MEL COOL
The next time some hoodlum comes to
your counter begging for a straw
without even buying a drink...or
when when some nutjob tries to swipe
a napkin...or when some nearsighted
mall-walker collides with your giant,
plastic bagel...
DOUGHY
(white, afraid)
Yes?
Mel leans in for emphasis.
MEL COOL
I might not be around to protect your
mall-bound butt.
DOUGHY
(stunned at the insult)
Gasp! B... B...
Suddenly, Mel’s headset communicator, hanging on his belt, begins to beep.
MEL COOL
(to Doughy)
Hold that thought.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
Commander Cogg calling Mel Cool.
Commander Cogg calling Mel Cool.
Come in, Cool.
Mel places the communicator on his head.
MEL COOL
This is Mel Cool: Mall Cop. Come in,
Commander.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. THE OPULENT OFFICE OF COMMANDER COGG
Commander Cogg, head of mall security, stands regally behind his desk. Cogg is very tall, super thin, balding, in a totally black suit. A collection of antique swords is on the wall behind him. A fireplace crackles. Cogg is talking on his head set as he polished one of the swords.
COMMANDER COGG
Officer Cool, you’re not loafing
at Doughy’s again, are you?
MEL (V.O.)
Uh, no, Commander, of course not.
COMMANDER COGG
You better not be. Let’s not forget
you’re still on probation with me.
INTERCUT MEL COOL AND COMMANDER COGG
As Mel starts putting bagels in his pockets.
MEL COOL
I did forget that, sorry.
Cogg polishes his sword with increasing intensity.
COMMANDER COGG
You talk tough, cool, but you never
bring me any arrests. You always
stop crime with stern warnings.
MEL COOL
I feel stern warnings are effective,
sir.
COMMANDER COGG
Don’t be ridiculous. We can’t run
Massive Mall Security Department on
stern warnings. We have a mall jail
to fill.
MEL COOL
But...
COMMANDER COGG
You better start making arrests,
Cool, or Massive Mall could easily
delete its only mall cop from its
ranks.
MEL COOL
Yes, sir. No, sir.
COMMANDER COGG
Now, head immediately to Pricey’s
Department Store. On your current
level. There’s a report of a 15-22
in progress.
MEL COOL
A 15-22?
COMMANDER COGG
A 15-22.
Doughy pops his head into frame.
DOUGHY
What’s a 15-22?
MEL COOL
What’s a 15-22, Commander?
COMMANDER COGG
Shoplifting, you imbecile!
MEL COOL (to Doughy)
Shoplifting.
Doughy’s eyes get big and his head pops out of frame.
COMMANDER COGG
Now, get going! And remember, Cool,
I want arrests, not warnings! Arrests!
The communicator beeps “off.”
DOUGHY
(groupie-like)
Wow, Officer Cool! Do you think you
can actually forgo the stern warnings
and make an actual arrest?
MEL COOL
Just watch me, Doughy!
(turns, addresses us)
To the Mallmobile!
Mel turns around and begins to run, his head still turned to us. We pan with him for six, quick steps, when suddenly, he smashes into the front of the Mallmobile, an open-roof, Jeep-like vehicle with a blue light atops its crossbars. The camera has moved past the car, then backtracks to see Mel sprawled on the hood, his face to the windshield.
MEL COOL
I parked it closer than I remembered.
He gets up off the hood of the Securi-Car, goes around to the side, and enters through the driver’s side door.
INT. – THROUGH THE WINDOW OF SECURI-CAR
Mel puts on his eat belt.
MEL COOL
This is the Mallmobile. It’s not just
the sweetest ride in all Massive Mall...
C.U. – MEL’S HAND ON IGNITION KEY
He turns the key and, with a rev of the engine, the Mallmobile stars up. Posted over the ignition is a note reading, “Please Do Not Leave Keys In Mallmobile.”
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF MALLMOBILE
MEL COOL
...it’s a good excuse for an exciting
driving sequence!
C.U. – MEL’S HAND ON RADIO KNOB
He turns on the radio. A rock song blares. It’s “Highway to the Danger Zone.”
C.U. – BLUE LIGHT ON TOP OF MALLMOBILE
As it comes to life and starts flashing.
WINDER ANGLE – ON MALLMOBILE
As it does a partial wheelie and peels out.
INT. MALL – DOWN THE CORRIDOR
At floor level, looking into the distance. Stores recede to a vanishing point. Crowds everywhere. Suddenly, ZZZWOOOOSH, the Mallmobile comes barreling toward and over us as people duck out of the way.
INT. MALL – A SERIES OF SHOTS ALONG THE CORRIDOR
We see the front facades and signage of various stores as the Mallmobile whisks by each of them.
HOUSE OF PAPERCLIPS
EVERYTHING’S $1,000
USED LINGERIE
OXYGEN TO GO
BIG-CAVITY CANDY
C.U. – MALLMOBILE WHEEL
As it spins madly.
ANOTHER FLOOR LEVEL SHOT
As the Mallmobile, now in high speed, zooms over us again.
C.U. – MALLMOBILE DASH
Mel’s hand reaches in and presses a button marked “Activate Parachute.”
ANGLE – ON MALLMOBILE
A parachute unfolds out of the back and helps slow the Mallmobile to a safe speed.
INT. – ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Sign says:
PRICEY’S. WHERE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT PAYING MORE.
The Mallmobile comes to a halt, chute dragging, as shoppers look on. Mel hops out of the Mallmobile, slams the door behind him, and runs into the store. There’s a long beat. Then he abruptly run back OUT of the store.
C.U. – MALLMOBILE DASHBOARD
Mel’s hand reaches in and turns the radio off. The music cuts out. However, Mel forgets to grab the keys, which are still in the ignition.
BACK TO PREVIOUS WIDE SHOT
Mel hops back out of the Mallmobile and runs into the store again.
INT. – PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Mel is moving purposely through clothes racks, looking for crime. Suddenly, he spots his prey.
MEL COOL
Now then, where’s this 15-22? It
could be anywhere. A 15-22...
MEL’S P.O.V. – PRICEY’S SHOPPING BACK RACK
A 16-year-old girl dressed in ripped jeans and a tank top. Her hair is purple. This is Klepto, teen-age cleptomaniac, and she’s on a shopping bag stealing spree. She’s pulling dozens of bags off the rack and hanging them onto her arm.
KLEPTO
(singing to herself)
This is the way we steal the bags...
steal the bags... steal the bags...
C.U. – MEL
MEL COOL
That must be it.
Mel emerges from behind a clothes rack and points purposefully.
MEL COOL
Hey you! Over by the shopping bags!
Freeze!
WIDER SHOT – MEL AND KLEPTO
She freezes, her arms outstretched, multiple shopping bags dangling from each.
KLEPTO
(feigning cluelessness)
I’m sorry, are you, like, talking
to “Moi”?
MEL COOL
That’s right... “Moi.” Those shopping
bags aren’t free. They happen to be
seventy-five cents...apiece!
KLEPTO
Is that so?
MEL COOL
That is so so.
KLEPTO
Gee, officer...tough [bleep!]
And at the bleep, she flings the dozens of shopping bags into the air. They come raining down, as she strides off, laughing derisively.
C.U. – MEL
MEL COOL
Only one thing worse than brazen
teen-age loitering. Brazen teen-age
littering.
WIDER ANGLE – DEPARTMENT STORE AISLE
Walking away, Klepto looks back, still laughing. But into the shot comes Mel, striding toward her. With a look of delight, Klepto begins running. She’s almost baiting him to come after her. Mel begins running, too. A chase is on.
MEL COOL
Halt in the name of Massive Mall!
This is my last warning!
(to us)
Literally.
INT. MALL – THE ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Klepto, still laughing, runs out of the store and past the Mallmobile. Seconds later, Mel runs out, too, panting. He can’t keep up on foot.
ANGLE – MALLMOBILE
Mel reaches into the back seat of the Mallmobile and pulls out the Grappling Pistol.
SIDE ANGLE – MEL
As he lifts the pistol, aims it straight ahead...
MEL COOL
I knew this would come in handy.
...and fires. BLAM! The hook and cable are launched.
TRACKING WITH GRAPPLING HOOK
As it flies straight ahead and down the corridor.
ANGLE ON KLEPTO
She slows down to a walk, confident she’s gotten away. But the grappling hook zwips past her, then does a series of spirals around her, wrapping her in cable. She’s trapped!
KLEPTO
Hey! What th...? No fair!
BACK TO MEL
He hits the “retract” button on the pistol and it begins to pull in the cable.
BACK TO KLEPTO
As the cable reels her in, she’s dragged backwards, her big platform shoes screeching on the floor as she tries in vain to stop this. She’s not happy.
KLEPTO
You fascist! Para-military paranoid!
Mall cop!
INT. – ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S
As the retracting cable pulls Klepto back to where Mel is standing.
MEL COOL
Compliments will get you nowhere.
He disengages the grappling hook from around her waist. Leads her by the arm over the Mallmobile.
MEL COOL
Now get your butt in the Mallmobile,
young lady. We’re taking a little ride.
Intercut C.U.s of Mel and Klepto.
KLEPTO
Oh, yeah? Where to?
MEL COOL
To see Commander Cogg and throw you
in mall jail. Yes, I’m about to...
(with import) arrest you.
KLEPTO
No stern warning?
MEL COOL
No...stern...warning.
KLEPTO
Well, I’ve got news for you, pal.
MEL COOL
What “news” could you have for me?
KLEPTO
My name is Klepto. Klepto Cogg.
MEL COOL
Catchy. So what?
KLEPTO
Cogg. As in Commander Cogg.
Your boss.
Mel’s eyes widen for the first time.
MEL COOL
Are you saying you’re somehow
related to Commander Cogg, the head
of mall security?
KLEPTO
You might say that. He’s my dear
ol’ Dad.
A music sting. Mel’s eyes narrow again.
KLEPTO
And you wouldn’t want to get on
Daddy’s bad side by busting his dear,
sweet daughter, now would you, officer?
As Mel considers, a balloon over his head shows
Commander Cogg, gesturing with a sword as he makes
his orders clear.
COMMANDER COGG
(reverb)
No warnings, Cool! Arrests!
Arrests!
C.U. – KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Well, would you, officer?
C.U. – MEL
As he bites his knuckle.
A dramatic fanfare.
Suddenly, Doughy pops his head into frame.
DOUGHY
I knew this would happen.
CRASH CUT TO BLACK
END OF ACT ONE
--------------------------
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. MALL - THE DOOR TO COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Stenciled on opaque glass is "COMMANDER COGG / Director of Mall Security." Then, in tiny type under that: "Appointments Necessary." The door opens to reveal Commander Cogg having an imaginary duel with the sword. He sees us, stops, stands up straight.
COMMANDER COGG
(to us)
Ah, there you are! Come in. Come in. You must be...
REVERSE ANGLE - COGG'S P.O.V.
Entering the doorway is MS. EFFICIENT, a beautiful redhead. She's wearing a business suit, but with an Ally McBeal-style short skirt. Standing in the glow from lights outside the door, she is gorgeous.
MS. EFFICIENT
Ms. Efficient reporting to duty, Commander Cogg.
COMMANDER COGG
Ms. Efficient!
INT. - COGG'S OFFICE
He steps around his huge desk to shake her hand. He's waving the sword in the other.
COMMANDER COGG
Finally Massive Mall gives me the assistant I've been asking for. I hear you're the most efficient assistant ever.
MS. EFFICIENT
Well, I've already taken the liberty of doing all your work for the entire week, Commander.
COMMANDER COGG
Oh, you're good.
MS. EFFICIENT
What's with the swords, sir?
Cogg steps back against the wall of sword, gestures.
COMMANDER COGG
They're sharp, they're pointy, they retain their value on the antique market: what's not to like?
MS. EFFICIENT
Right. Is there anything else I can handle efficiently today, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
Well, yes, there is one thing.
He hands her an 8 by 10" glossy photo of Mel Cool. Stamped above the image are the words: "FILE PHOTO."
COMMANDER COGG
You see my employee here? His name is Mel Cool: Mall Cop.
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes, I've examined his file. He's rather hunky, sir.
COMMANDER COGG
WHAT? Never mind that.
He presses a button on his sword. Suddenly, a translucent radar screen slides down behind them. Imprinted on this radar screen is a BLUEPRINT of one entire Mall level. There's a FLASHING RED DOT and a FLASHING BLUE DOT next to each other on the radar.
COMMANDER COGG
He's in a high-speed chase, you see. This flashing blue dot represents Mel Cool in his current location. The flashing red dot represents the culprit he's just nabbed. Whoever he or she might be.
MS. EFFICIENT
What do you want me to do, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
(turns to her)
Watch the flashing dots with me!
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes, sir!
C.U. - THE FLASHING RED DOT ON THE SCREEN
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
C.U. - KLEPTO
Sticking out her tongue.
KLEPTO
You can't arrest me, you can't!
ANOTHER ANGLE - MEL AND KLEPTO
As Mel opens the passenger side door to the Securi-Car.
MEL COOL
Because you're Cogg's daughter, huh?
KLEPTO
Right. And if you're not gonna arrest me -- and you're not, we both know that -- why don't you let me go with the stern warning you know you're dying to give?
Mel opens the door of the Securi-Car, puts Klepto in the passenger seat, blocking her head so she doesn't hit the overhead crossbeam.
MEL COOL
Klepto Cogg, you have the right to remain silent...
KLEPTO
Wait a minute, you mean you're really gonna take me in?
C.U. - MEL
He holds a flashlight to his face to give it ultra-dramatic lighting.
MEL COOL
That's right.
TEEN-AGE BOY'S VOICE
(from off)
Officer Cool! Officer Cool!
Mel whirls to face the source of the voice.
MEL
What th...?
REVERSE ANGLE - MEL'S P.O.V.
16-year-old nerd Dweez Dweezman, a mall store employee, is trying to get Mel's attention. Standing next to him is the beautiful Jennifer Jupiter, a 16-year-old cheerleader. The problem: Jennifer has the front part of her overly hairsprayed hair caught between the doors of an elevator.
DWEEZ
Officer Cool, over here! It's me, Dweez Dweezman! Look! Jennifer Jupiter has her overly hairsprayed hair caught between the doors of this elevator!
JENNIFER
Like: ow!
ANGLE - MEL AND SECURI-CAR
He runs toward us and off frame. Left behind is Klepto, still sitting in the Securi-Car.
MEL COOL
I knew this would happen some day.
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
MEL COOL
Don't worry, citizens...
ANGLE - MEL COOL
He stops running. From a sheath on his belt, he pulls a giant pair of scissors.
MEL COOL
I have scissors.
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
Jennifer's eyes grow large.
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF THE SECURI-CAR
Klepto, still cuffed, is looking around the dashboard. She sees...
C.U. - SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
The ignition key is still in the ignition. The LED still reads: "DO NOT LEAVE KEYS IN SECURI-CAR." Klepto's hand touches the key.
C.U. - KLEPTO
As she smiles mischievously.
BACK TO DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
Mel approaches. He is about to free Jennifer from the elevator by cutting her hair with the giant scissors. But before he can, they are all distracted by the ENGINE of the Securi-Car as it REVS UP.
DWEEZ
(looks up and points)
Officer Cool! Look!
OVER MEL'S SHOULDER
As he watches the Securi-Car PEEL OUT.
DWEEZ
That purple-haired girl is hijacking the Securi-Car!
C.U. - MEL, SCOWLING
MEL
(soft GROWL)
INT. - SECURI-CAR FRONT SEAT
Klepto is at the wheel, taking the car out for a spin.
KLEPTO
Yee-ha!
C.U. - SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
Klepto turns the tape player on. Sure enough, it's "Highway to the Danger Zone" again.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(to us)
He must love this song.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car weaves dangerously through a sea of shoppers.
KLEPTO
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me...
Hee hee hee...
INT. - ANOTHER PART OF THE CORRIDOR
We're looking at a poster mounted above a water fountain. The poster shows Mel Cool, pointing at the viewer. The copy reads: "BEHAVE IN MASSIVE MALL." Into this shot steps Mel Cool himself, covering the poster version of himself.
MEL COOL
(to us)
She doesn't realize the kind of mall cop she's dealing with.
He portentously dons his driving goggles.
MEL COOL
There's one gadget I haven't showed anyone yet.
He lifts one leg, propping his left boot in his right hand.
C.U. - HIS LEFT BOOT
It's actually a JET-PROPELLED ROLLER BLADE. Two tiny jet exhausts pop out of the each side. Mel's finger presses an "On" button on the shoe. The jets fire.
C.U. - HIS RIGHT BOOT
Likewise, Mel presses a button and jets fire.
ANGLE - MEL ABOUT TO BLAST OFF
The jets are revving up.
MEL COOL
Jet-propelled roller blades.
Don't enter the mall security field without 'em.
He thumbs the switch of the remote control and he EXPLODES FORWARD in a cloud of dust.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
They look on, gaping, dumbfounded, still in the same position as before. Jennifer's hair is still caught in the elevator doors.
DWEEZ
Whoa.
JENNIFER
Still "ow."
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
As Mel whisks by on his jet-propelled roller blades.
C.U. - MEL
As the background recedes quickly into a vanishing point. His driving goggles reflect oncoming images.
MEL COOL
There's enough fuel in these blades to last ten minutes at this speed. Ishould catch up to the perp in two.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
Angle low to the floor. Mel zooms toward us and over us.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
The translucent RADAR panel, imprinted with a blueprint of this level. A blinking BLUE DOT, representing Mel on the radar, begins to move.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
I seriously doubt that.
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg and Ms. Efficient are standing over the radar screen, watching.
MS. EFFICIENT
Why, Commander?
Cogg walks over to the wall of swords, puts back the sword he's been carrying. A large, scowling photo of Klepto is hung amid them.
COMMANDER COGG
I'll tell you why! Mel Cool doesn't have it in him to actually arrest anyone. Anyone!
MS. EFFICIENT
(points to picture of Klepto)
Hmmm. Is, uh, that your daughter, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
Hmm? Yes, my daughter, Klepto. Lovely child. Completely law-abiding. She has nothing to do with this episode!
MS. EFFICIENT
But, sir...
COMMANDER COGG
(impatient)
Look, why don't you take a break and get me piece of pie?
MS. EFFICIENT
A piece of...?
He pushes her toward the door.
COMMANDER COGG
I'll update you on the crisis when you return.
He pushes her out the door, and it automatically slides down behind her, Star Trek-style.
MS. EFFICIENT
(from behind door)
Yes, Commander.
Cogg waits to hear her run off, then runs back to the wall of swords. He lifts the only solid GOLD SWORD. But it's attached to the wall with an axle. Cogg TURNS the sword as if it's the helm of a ship. It CREEEEEKS...
...as the Wall of Swords OPENS UP to reveal a giant TV SCREEN filled with colorful static, emanating an unearthly HUMMMMM. Cogg lifts an old-fashioned microphone, speaks into it.
COMMANDER COGG
Commander Cogg calling the Secret Master of the Mall. Commander Cogg calling the Secret Master of the Mall.
ON THE TV MONITOR
An image FADES IN. A man (or is it?) holding a towel wrapped over his head. He's in some kind of STEAM ROOM; steam billows. His features can't be seen, but one glowing, green eye is catching the light. This is the Master.
MASTER
I'm here, Commander, I'm here. But, please -- call me "Master."
COMMANDER COGG
Yes, Master.
MASTER
I do love the sound of that.
COMMANDER COGG
You seem all steamy, Master.
Master turns, still hidden under the towel, but now we see TWO glowing green eyes.
MASTER
I'm in a steam room, you idiot! What is it you want, Cogg?
INTERCUT - COGG AND THE MASTER
COMMANDER COGG
It's about Mel Cool, master...
MASTER
Mel Cool? Haven't you fired him yet?
COMMANDER COGG
Not exactly. To follow department protocol, I'm giving him one more chance to trip himself up.
MASTER
I hate department protocol.
COMMANDER COGG
But here's the beauty of it, sir. If he doesn't arrest the culprit he's now pursuing, and he won't, I assure you, I get to fire him legally and immediately!
MASTER
Good! Then true chaos can rule in the mall! Which is the whole point! I built Massive as my personal laboratory in human response to pure chaos in a self-contained eco-system! It's my own ant farm.
COMMANDER COGG
I can't pretend to understand, sir.
MASTER
Of course not. You're a cogg in more ways than one, Cogg! Just make sure you fire Mel Cool! STAT!
The image of Master on the big-screen TV dissolves to STATIC once again. Commander Cogg turns, walks to his bank of radar images.
COMMANDER COGG
Thy will is almost done, sir...
C.U. - RADAR IMAGE
On the translucent blueprint, a blinking BLUE DOT pursues a blinking RED DOT. Zoom in on the RED dot.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF THE SECURI-CAR
Klepto is driving, holding the wheel with one hand while painting her toenails purple with the other. She looks in the rear view mirror.
C. U. - THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
Shows Mel on his jet blades actually catching up to her. Steam trails from the cup of coffee he's holding.
KLEPTO
Uh-oh.
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF SECURI-CAR
Klepto grabs wheel with renewed fervor.
C.U. - THE GAS PEDAL
Klepto steps on it.
INT. - LONG-SHOT, TRACKING ALONG THE CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car suddenly lurches with increased speed. The Securi-Car and Mel do a series of FIGURE EIGHTS around giant PLANTERS. People on benches stand on them to get out of the way. The Securi-Car loops 360 degrees and races the OTHER way and out of shot. Mel follows diligently.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - ANOTHER PART OF THIS CORRIDOR
As Ms. Efficient walks briskly on her errand to get pie for Commander Cogg. Suddenly, the Securi-Car careens by, knocking her off her feet. She gets back up. Now the pursuing Mel Cool knocks her off her feet again. She gets back up again. She looks in the direction of the chase.
MS. EFFICIENT
(yells sternly)
Slow down, both of you!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - ENTRANCE TO "MASSIVE MALL PLAYLAND"
It's a mini-amusement park section of the Mall. The Securi-Car flies past the ticket booth. Seconds later, Mel blades past, too.
INT. - ENTRANCE TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
Sign says: "OL' FASHION BUMPER CARS!" Securi-Car turns in.
INT. - BUMPER CAR RIDE
A bunch of kids and teens carousing in the cars, delighting in ramming one another. THUNK! Laughter. THUNK! Screams. The Securi-Car SCREECHES into their midst. Klepto tries to navigate through the bumper cars, but the other riders see her as fresh blood. WHAM! She's bumped from one side. WHAM! From another.
C. U. - KLEPTO
Getting whiplash from the blows.
KLEPTO
Hey...hey...hey...hey...
INT. - EXIT TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
She's bumped again hard, sending the Securi-Car through the doorway marked "Exit."
INT. - ENTRANCE TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
Now Mel Cool enters the fray, turning sharply on his jet-powered roller blades into the entrance and into the mass of bumper cars.
INT. - BUMPER CAR RIDE
Mel does some fancy footwork as he dodges two bumper cars. As Mel aims for the exit, two malevolent teens aim their bumper cars to ram him simultaneously. Mel looks one way, then another...and JUMPS! As the two bumper cars carrying the teens PLOW into each other! Whoosh! Mel is over them and free. He lands on the ground, zips out the side of the bumper car ride and into the main Mall corridor again.
MEL'S P.O.V.
Klepto is only slightly ahead of him. He guns it.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR
As Mel pulls up alongside at last. They are now traveling at the same speed.
C. U. - MEL
From his belt, he pulls a device which unfolds into a megaphone.
MEL COOL
(into megaphone)
Pull over, perp.
INTERCUT - MEL AND KLEPTO
KLEPTO
No way.
MEL COOL
I AM going to arrest you, you know.
KLEPTO
So far you're not doing that great a job.
MEL COOL
Klepto, if you don't pull over, you're gonna hit those black velvet clown paintings up ahead.
KLEPTO
Wh...?
MEL COOL
Not that I would be sad to see them go.
INT. - AN EXHIBIT OF CLOWN PAINTINGS
The Securi-Car side-swipes the corner of the exhibit, shattering a group of black velvet clown paintings -- and sending the pieces flying. Mel eludes the frames and canvasses hurling past him. But one of the pieces SLAMS into US! WHHHACK!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - THE FRONT OF DOUGHY'S BAGEL BARN
DOUGHY is at the counter, watching a small TV. On the screen, we see Mel chasing the Securi-Car. Up to the counter stumbles MS. EFFICIENT, still a little shaken from her near-collision with that chase.
MS. EFFICIENT
A piece of pie, please, Doughy.
DOUGH
Yes, ma'am!
MS. EFFICIENT
You're watching the chase, I see.
DOUGHY
On Mall TV, right. It's live.
MS. EFFICIENT
Did you see how they tried to...
(turns back to nobody and yells)
...run me OVER?!!!!!
DOUGHY
No, but we've just learned the girl Mel Cool is chasing is Commander Cogg's daughter, Klepto.
MS. EFFICIENT
(stunned)
We have? She is? Oh, no!
She collapses on counter, then finds resolve.
MS. EFFICIENT
Double espresso, man - Stat!
DOUGHY
Yes, ma'am!
INT. - THE MALL CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car zooming along. Followed by Mel on jet skates.
P.O.V. - OVER KLEPTO'S SHOULDER
She sees a sign reading " REDUCED SPEED AHEAD."
C.U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON BRAKE PEDAL
She pushes it. Nothing happens.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Uh-oh again.
WIDER SHOT
Mel is alongside her once again. The Securi-Car starts to swerve. Mel swerves with it.
KLEPTO
(yelling to Mel)
Something is wrong! I'm losing control! The brakes don't work!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
You must have severed the brake cable on those so-called "paintings."
KLEPTO
Well, what do I do now?
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Stop accelerating!
C. U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON ACCELERATOR
As she lets up.
P.O.V. - KLEPTO
Over her shoulder, we see where she's heading: the end of this corridor. At the far wall, and directly in Klepto's path, is the front counter of...DOUGHY'S!
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(says something that's BLEEPED OUT.)
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is watching the transparent radar screen, delighted to see the two blinking dots both heading to the part of the blueprint marked "DOUGHY'S."
COMMANDER COGG
Well, well! They're on a collision course with Doughy's! Fascinating!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG, SMILING
COMMANDER COGG
Ms. Efficient, you're missing all the fun!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
Ms. Efficient and Doughy stand frozen, horrified by the sight of the Securi-Car heading right for them.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR LEADING TO DOUGHY'S
The Securi-Car is still moving too fast.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Eyes big, she knows she's gonna hit Doughy's.
C.U. - MEL COOL
Eyes big, so does he.
CRASH CUT TO BLACK
END ACT II
--------------------------
ACT THREE
FADE IN
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR LEADING TO DOUGHY'S
The Securi-Car is rolling forward, still too fast.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Look out!
C.U. - MS. EFFICIENT AND DOUGHY
At the front counter of Doughy's.
MS. EFFICIENT
(to Doughy)
She's not stopping, is she?
Doughy shakes his head "no."
WIDER SHOT - ENTIRE FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
AS Doughy rushes to the front of the counter, puts his hands out as if to protect it.
DOUGHY
(yelling)
Halt before you bash my bagels!
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(yelling)
I can't!
C.U. - MS. EFFICIENT
As she gets an idea.
MS. EFFICIENT
Must...be...efficient...
WIDER SHOT - MS. EFFICIENT
As she hops up on the counter, grabs the handles of a huge, 100-gallon coffee pot sitting on the counter - and tips it over! SPLOOOOSH! Coffee gushes out onto the floor in front of Doughy's.
MS. EFFICIENT
Mel Cool will know what to do!
C.U. - MEL COOL
Still zooming on the jet skates. His eyes open ever so wide. Yes! He knows what to do!
WIDE SHOT - TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
As it hits the huge puddle of coffee - SPLLLASH! - and loses any real traction with the ground. Suddenly alongside the Securi-Car comes MEL. He raises one leg off the ground and gives the Securi-Car one, firm KICK. THWAP! The Securi-Car, without traction in the puddle, starts to SPIN.
WORM'S EYE VIEW - SECURI-CAR
It spins in the puddle of coffee, a tire passing right by.
C.U. - KLEPTO, SPINNING
WIDE, OVERHEAD SHOT - SECURI-CAR
The car stops spinning but is now sliding OFF-COURSE, backwards, out of the puddle of coffee, when it HITS the outside of a giant, inflatable balloon that says, "MASSIVE MALL ENCOURAGES SAFETY." The car almost penetrates the balloon, but doesn't. After a beat, the car bounces forward.
ANGLE - MEL COOL
As he banks left and out of the coffee puddle.
ANGLE - MS. EFFICIENT
Standing on the counter, she raises her hand in triumph.
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes!
ANGLE - DOUGHY
As he breathes a sigh of relief.
ON SECURI-CAR
Pushed through the air by the force of the balloon, it lands - FLOMP! - directly onto the railings of an UP ESCALATOR. The wheels of the Securi-Car are the same distance apart as the escalator railings.
KLEPTO
Okay, this is getting silly.
But Klepto sees that if she loses forward momentum, she'll lose control even more. So...
C.U. - SECURI-CAR ACCELERATOR
Klepto guns it yet again.
ANGLE - ON SECURI-CAR
As it revs UP the escalator railings with increased speed. Shoppers are jumping out of the way onto a parallel staircase.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS FROM A DISTANCE
The tiny Securi-Car climbing, climbing...
INT. - BOTTOM OF THE ESCALATOR
Mel blades up to escalator railing, JUMPS -- and LANDS on the escalator railing, balancing as if on a beam, still roaring upwards via jet-blades.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Turning all the way around to look behind her.
KLEPTO
He can blade. I'll give him that.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
Below the Securi-Car is Mel Cool, zipping up the railing.
C.U. - MEL COOL
Gazing up with renewed determination, he hears voices yet again.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
Arrests...not warnings...
KLEPTO (V.O.)
You can't arrest Commander Cogg's daughter...
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
One less mall cop in Massive Mall...
MS. EFFICIENT (V.O.)
Slow down!
But he speeds up.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is watching the radar screen, and sure enough, the blue dot is gaining on the red dot as they travel up the blueprint of the escalator.
COMMANDER COGG
(to the red dot)
What? Don't speed up! You can't catch that culprit! You're as good as fired!
MASTER
(from off)
"Good as" isn't good enough, Cogg!
Cogg whirls.
WIDER ANGLE - THE TV ON THE WALL OF SWORDS
Cogg sees the image of the Secret Alien Master of the Mall. This time, the Master is wrapped in wet bandages - save for his eyes.
COMMANDER COGG
Master! You're out of the steam room, I see, sir.
MASTER
Cooling chamber. Very soothing.
COMMANDER COGG
Uh-huh.
MASTER
You know, Cogg, maybe you should take extra precautions to make sure Cool can't catch that culprit.
COMMANDER COGG
(bowing)
"Extra precautions" are at hand, sir.
Cogg holds up a little wooden box.
C. U. - THE LID OF THE BOX
It reads: "Extra Precautions." He opens the lid to reveal a switch.
INTERCUT - COGG AND THE MASTER
COMMANDER COGG
With this switch, I can blow up the Securi-Car by remote control. Had a bomb hidden in the engine. If his current reckless chase creates a public hazard, I'd be justified in destroying the car and anyone near it.
MASTER
The Master approves.
COMMANDER COGG
(smiling)
I live for your approval, Master.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - A LONG STRETCH OF ESCALATOR
The Securi-Car zips past, still climbing. Followed by Mel.
ANGLE - ESCALATOR REST STOP
There's a break in the side-railings for a platform marked "ESCALATOR REST STOP." Sure enough, there are shoppers on the platform, resting. The Securi-Car FLIES OVER, landing on the railings directly ahead. Right behind her, Mel does the same.
TRACKING WITH MEL
As he jet-blades up the railing.
MEL COOL
(to us)
Rest stops on the escalator. I hope you noticed that.
Suddenly, there's a beep from his wrist computer. He looks at it.
C.U. - THE WRIST COMPUTER
An LED reads: "JET BLADES ALMOST OUT OF FUEL"
C.U. - MEL
He frowns.
TRACKING WITH MEL
The jet blades begin to sputter and smoke. Mel looks at the wrist computer again.
C.U. - WRIST COMPUTER
The LED reads, "JET BLADES DEFINITELY OUT OF FUEL"
MEL'S P.O.V.
The Securi-Car is getting farther ahead.
TRACKING WITH MEL
He's slowing down, dangerously. He pulls out his grappling pistol. Aims it straight ahead. Fires.
TRACKING WITH THE GRAPPLING HOOK
As it slices the air, following the line of the escalator.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR
As the grappling pistol gains on it, passes the metal crossbeams of the roof, slows and CATCHES! KLANK!
WIDE SHOT - ESCALATORS
Mel, holding the pistol with both hands, is being PULLED by the Securi-Car via the grappling line. It's like he's water-skiing. On an elevator railing.
C.U. - KLEPTO
She looks in the rear view mirror and sees Mel, attached by the line.
KLEPTO
You have got to be kidding me.
(turns around, yells to Mel)
Hey, Mel! Obsess much?
But when she turns back around to the front, she's startled by...
KLEPTO'S P.O.V. - THE ESCALATOR LANDING ABOVE
A huge crowd, sufficiently dazed, looks on at the exit ramp. They aren't moving for the Securi-Car.
C.U. - KLEPTO
As she steers violently.
KLEPTO
Oh, for heaven's... Can nobody get out of the way today?
KLEPTO'S P.O.V. - THE ESCALATOR LANDING ABOVE
The crowd doesn't budge.
C.U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR
As she lets up.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
For a moment, the Securi-Car keeps climbing out of sheer momentum. Then it slows...and slows...
C.U. - MEL
Also slowing.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
Inches from the crowd at the top of the escalators, the Securi-Car comes to a complete halt.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ooooooooo.
Hanging only for a moment, the Securi-Car starts to roll BACKWARDS. Towards Mel.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ahhhhhhhh.
Picking up speed, the Securi-Car rolls past Mel and out of frame, whipping Mel with it as it goes.
C.U. - KLEPTO
She's losing control.
TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
As it moves OFF the escalator railings - and into empty space. Mel holds on for dear life to the grappling line trailing behind - and is launched into empty space, too.
EMPTY SPACE
The Securi-Car falls straight down. Followed by Mel, still clutching the Grappling Pistol.
INT. - REALLY WIDE SHOT
Of multiple levels of this tower. Like the "Star Wars" deathstar, the middle of the tower is a long, open "tunnel" to the many floors below.
Elevators crisscross the open air, but there's plenty of room to drop cleanly all the way down. Which is what the Securi-Car and Mel are doing.
ANGLE - LARGE CROWD AT THE TOP OF ESCALATORS
They stare down, transfixed.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ohhhhhhh.
INTERCUT KLEPTO AND MEL COOL
As they plummet. Klepto looks out the window at the depths below.
KLEPTO
Shoot!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
What did you say?
KLEPTO
(yells to him)
I said, "shoot."
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Exactly!
KLEPTO
What?
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
There's a brake chute on the car!
KLEPTO
What?
MEL COOL
Press the button marked "brake chute."
C.U. - THE BUTTON MARKED "BRAKE SHOOT"
Klepto's trembling finger pushes it.
TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
Still falling fast. No parachute emerges.
TRACKING WITH MEL
Still falling fast.
MEL COOL
Sometimes it sticks.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is staring at the translucent radar screen, watching the red dot and blue dot DROP down the central tunnel. In his hands he holds the small, wooden box marked "Extra Precautions."
COMMANDER COGG
Well, this high-speed mall chase is now officially a public hazard!
He opens the box.
C.U. - THE BOX MARKED "EXTRA PRECAUTIONS"
Cogg's hand opens the lid...and flicks the switch. CLICK! A series of beeps, under.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE BACK TO:
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Attention, Culprit!
C.U. - A SPEAKER ON THE SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
This car will self destruct in twenty seconds. Abandon the vehicle, whoever you are.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
KLEPTO
(recognizes the voice)
What? Daddy?????
TRACKING WITH MEL AS HE FALLS
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Cogg, you fool, you're blowing up your own daughter!
C.U. - THE SPEAKER ON THE SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Fifteen seconds.
INTERCUT KLEPTO AND MEL COOL
KLEPTO
(yelling to Mel)
He can't hear!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Klepto, jump clear. Repeat: jump clear.
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Ten seconds.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
Klepto climbs out of the passenger seat, to the back of the Securi-Car. And jumps into thin air. The Securi-Car falls faster and out of frame. Mel falls into shot, grabs Klepto, releases the Grappling Pistol. Together, they're in freefall.
C.U. - THE REAR OF THE SECURI-CAR
Suddenly, FLOOMPH! The brake chute opens after all!
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
The chute billows out behind Securi-Car! The Securi-Car slows, then...FLOOMPH! Mel Cool and Klepto, falling faster than the Securi-Car, plummet through the chute, yanking it OFF of the Securi-Car, which drops like a stone. Now Mel and Klepto are covered in the chute -- and dropping, too!
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Commence destruction.
INT. - REALLY WIDE SHOT OF THE CENTRAL MALL CORE
As - KATHOOOOOM! -- the Securi-Car blows up, a fireball in mid-air, away from the crowds.
CLOSER ANGLE
Repeating the explosion. KATHOOOOOM! The Securi-Car evaporates into zillions of tiny little pieces.
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD AT THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL OF THE MALL
The crowd is staring up, lit by the glare of the explosion, as if watching fireworks. The crowd applauds.
HUGE CROWD
(simultaneously)
Oooooooooooooooo.
TRACKING WITH MEL AND KLEPTO
They're falling fast, covered in the chute. But the HOT AIR BLAST from the explosion below them sends the chute billowing UPWARD again - and Mel and Klepto are now hanging beneath, tangled in the lines, slowing - and safe!
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD ON THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL
Everyone is looking up, cheering.
HUGE CROWD
(simultaneously)
YAAAAAAY! Hooray! Hooray for Mel Cool! Hooray for Mel Cool!
TRACKING WITH MEL AND KLEPTO
They're falling gently now, back-to-back, in the chute lines.
KLEPTO|
(dryly)
They like you. They really like you.
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD ON THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
Suddenly, emerging from the crowd, is Ms. Efficient. She sings along.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
Next, Doughy emerges, throwing free bagels to everyone, and sings along.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
WIDE SHOT - LOOKING DOWN ON THE CROWD
The crowd parts, opens up a circular area into which Mel, Klepto and the parachute gently drop. Mel is cutting them both loose from the lines with his scissors-watch.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
Which nobody can deny!
The crowd cheers.
DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
Cheering along. They high-five. But suddenly, popping up between them, is Commander Cogg. He barges through, puts hands on hips.
COMMANDER COGG
Oh! Yes! They! Can!
DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
(together)
Commander!
COMMANDER COGG
Officer Cool! Either, "a", arrest that culprit right here and now... or "b.", I'll fire you right here on the spot! (under his breath)
Pick "b", pick "b"!
ANGLE - SHOCKED ONLOOKERS
Hanging on every word.
COMMANDER COGG'S P.O.V.
The figures of Mel Cool and Klepto stand side-by-side, but they're both covered with the parachute, like ghosts.
COMMANDER COGG
Do you hear me, Cool?
MEL COOL
(muffled under chute)
Loud and clear, sir.
SNIKKT! A scissors pokes out of the parachute cloth, cuts a hole, and Mel's head pops out.
MEL COOL
Loud and clear.
Mel points the scissors at Klepto's neck...and cuts a quick hole around it.
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Aghast at what he sees.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Her head poking out of the parachute.
KLEPTO
Hi, Daddy!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
COMMANDER COGG
(Gasps)
K...Klepto? You're the...
TWO-SHOT - MEL AND KLEPTO
He holds out handcuffs.
MEL COOL
Culprit! You are under arrest!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Looks around nervously.
COMMANDER COGG
Uhhhh....
TWO-SHOT - MEL AND KLEPTO
He's putting her in handcuffs.
MEL COOL
You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to be tried in a mall court of law. You have the right to lawyer up but you'd be smart to confess now, like they always do on "NYPD Blue." You have the right to one cellular phone call at a very special introductory rate...
Cogg rushes in between them, nervously looking around.
COMMANDER COGG
Mel, Mel, Mel! Think of the public relations aspect here. I mean, you can't arrest the only daughter of the revered head of Massive Mall security...
MEL COOL
Commander, I believe I just did.
ANGLE - THE HUGE CROWD
Cheers. Disco music begins playing.
THREE-SHOT - MEL, KLEPTO AND COGG
KLEPTO
I bet you think this is a cry for help, huh, Dad?
Cogg holds his head in defeat.
ANGLE - DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
Are bumping their rumps, disco-dancing, pointing their fingers ala John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever."
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
C.U. - TWO COFFEE MUGS, CLINKING
INT. - FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
Mel and Doughy are toasting, then sipping.
DOUGHY
Congratulations on actually making your first arrest, Officer Cool.
MEL COOL
Thanks, Dough-man.
DOUGHY
Here's to many more.
MEL COOL
Countless.
DOUGHY
So Klepto's now in Massive Mall jail?
MEL COOL
Just till she cools off. I have the feeling the real drama occurs in the Cogg household -- tonight.
They laugh, a little too artificially. Ms. Efficient walks up, smiling.
MS. EFFICIENT
What are we laughing about?
DOUGHY
(suddenly serious)
I'm not sure.
INTERCUT MEL, DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
MS. EFFICIENT
Well, try this one on. Officer Cool, as Commander Cogg's now-permanent assistant, I'm here to tell you that not only do you get to keep your job, you now get a per diem expense account.
Mel doesn't get it.
MS. EFFICIENT
A daily food allowance.
MEL COOL
A daily...
DOUGHY
Food allowance?
MS. EFFICIENT
From now on, you can pour Joe in your jugular and pig out on poppyseed all you want -- on Massive Mall. It's just Commander Cogg's way of saying, "please don't file for Workman's Comp."
MEL COOL
I must say...I'm touched.
Doughy, gleaming, salutes and pulls a big tray of poppyseed bagels from behind his back.
DOUGHY
The regular, Officer?
MEL COOL
Bring 'em on, citizen.
As we ZOOM IN on the bagels, Mel's narration picks up again.
MEL COOL
Yes, that's what Massive Mall is all about, my friends.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
EXT. - NIGHT - THE NEON BLUE MASSIVE MALL SIGN
It blinks on and off, hypnotically, as in the opening sequence.
MEL COOL
People. Selling stuff. To people.
ZOOM IN slowly on the logo.
MEL COOL
Sometimes it seems like we're all living in the world's biggest mall. And you know, sometimes I get the sense there's a grand scheme to it all, just outside our grasp.
(big slurp)
I dunno. Maybe that's just me.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is standing by the big-screen TV, watching static. He picks up the microphone.
COMMANDER COGG
M...master? I'm afraid...
C.U. - ON COGG
Lit by the glow of the TV, he is numb.
COMMANDER COGG
..I have some bad news about the Mel Cool situation, Master.
REVERSE ANGLE - THE IMAGE ON THE TV
Suddenly the static clears up and we see the Master. He's reading a book, which is covering his face. The book cover says "EXPERIMENTS IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR."
At Cogg's words, the Master slowly puts the book down. Light bathes his face and we see it fully for the first time. Glowing green eyes of an alien from another world. One-third human, one-third reptile, one-third machine.
MASTER
(creepy, menacing)
How bad?
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Turns white and gulps.
CRASH CUT TO:
COMPLETE BLACKNESS
END OF ACT THREE
END OF SCRIPT
"Pilot" Teleplay by Walt Jaschek, based on the comicbook created by
Walt Jaschek and Don Secrease
[Scroll to bottom to see character art.]
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. NIGHT – TOP OF MASSIVE MALL’S CENTRAL TOWER
A giant, neon-blue Massive Mall SIGN, blinking on and off hypnotically. Behind the sign, stars and full moon.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Welcome, my friends, to Massive Mall. The world’s tallest mall.
A sudden extreme zoom-out reveals the entire mall: three steel-and-glass towers, each 44 stories high, lit by multiple spotlights from below. The towers have connecting walkways, and from afar the combined structures look like a giant letter “M.”
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Look at it. These three connected towers are each 44 stories tall. That’s a lot of mall, baby.
A helicopter enters the frame from behind us and arcs toward the mall.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
It also looks like a giant “M”, doesn’t it? That has to be intentional.
EXT. NIGHT – ON THE FULL MOON
As another helicopter – huge, military-style – crosses the moon, about to land. Through the windows we see dozens of eager faces peering out, like immigrants seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Massive Mall gets more than one million dazed and amazed visitors a year from all around the bargain-hungry world.
EXT. DAY – THE MALL’S HELICOPTER PAD
Rotating runway lights momentarily blind us. The huge helicopter lands. Propellers slow. Copter doors slide open, and tones of eager shoppers of all nationalities rush out.
MEL COOL (V.O.) It’s a pulsating mass of humanity, starved for the tribal experience of shopping – and getting it big-time 24 hours a day. Imagine the crowds. Imagine the complications.
EXT. DAY – A MASSIVE MALL ENTRANCE DOOR
The crowd flows through the doors en masse.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Imagine the crimes.
INT. – MASSIVE MALL – A RAILING ON AN UPPER LEVEL
Looking past the padded shoulder pad of Mel Cool as he gazes down on a dizzying series of crisscrossing escalators, jammed with people.
MEL COOL (V.O.)
Me? I try not to imagine it.
(beat)
I have enough nightmares as it is.
REVERSE ANGLE – REVEALING MEL
Dramatically lit, he leans against a railing, looking out, a bagel in one hand a steaming cup of java in the other. There’s a FANFARE. Mel takes a sip of Joe, slurping.
MEL COOL
Slurrrrrp!
INT. – MALL CORRIDOR
Mel, now addressing us directly, begins to walk the mall, eating and slurping at the same time. Shoppers pass him, smiling, waving, giving him the “thumbs up.”
MEL COOL
My name is Mel Cool: Mall Cop. Proud employee of Massive Mall
Security. Tonight I’m on the midnight shift, which started...
He looks at his wrist, revealing a little computer attached with a watchband.
CLOSE-UP OF WRISTBAND COMPUTER
The time blinks 12:05 a.m.
MEL COOL
Well, actually, it just started. But you can already feel the potential for trouble, can’t you?
I can. I’m the law.
FANFARE out of nowhere as we zoom in on the badge and back out again.
Mel starts walking again.
MEL COOL
Right now I’m the only mall cop
in all of Massive Mall. Can you
believe that? What can I say.
Management is cheap.
Mel ducks behind a pillar, peeks around it to make sure he isn’t being followed, turns to us conspiratorially, and shields his mouth to not be overheard.
MEL COOL
More on that later.
He comes back from behind the pillar, pounds on his big shoulder pads.
MEL COOL
We do have some nifty gear, though.
For instance, these are my bullet-
proof soulder pads. Yes, they’re
flattering to my body shape, but
moreover...
He pulls the shoulder pads down to cover his chest.
MEL COOL
...they move!
From off-screen, three empty tin cans are thrown against Mel’s chest. They all bounce right off. He pulls the pads back up to his shoulders.
MEL COOL
Sweet, huh?
MEL’S P.O.V.
The three teen-agers who threw the cans grin sheepishly. They drop the remaining cans in their hands and dash off.
MEL COOL
That’s nothing. Watch this.
With a flourish, Mel pulls out his Grappling Pistol: a gun with a giant grappling hook on one end, a huge ball of cable-line on the other.
MEL COOL
Grappling pistol. Standard issue.
BLAM! He fires the pistol straight up.
TRACKING WITH GRAPPLING HOOK
As it shoots up through a series of cutaways sections in the ceilings of floors above.
INT. – A CORRIDOR HIGH ABOVE
The grappling hook hits the end of its line. It falls back on a mall railing with a CLANK!
BACK ON MEL
Holding the pistol above his head with both hands, he is being lifted off the floor, the cable reeling him up like a fish on a line.
BACK TO THE CORRIDOR HIGH ABOVE
For a moment, all we see is a railing. Then, Mel climbs over, grunts, brushes himself off. A group of people, bemused, looks on.
MEL COOL
[Grunt!] I bet this thing’s going
to come in handy later in this story.
(notices the teens)
Okay, people. Let’s break it up. Don’t
you have somewhere to shop?
The people shrug and disperse. Mel shakes in head in contempt, but is startled by a voice from off.
DOUGHY
Officer Cool! Officer Cool!
MEL
Wh...?
REVERSE ANGLE – MEL’S P.O.V.
The front façade of “Doughy’s Bagel Barn,” an elaborate snack counter with tables out front, filled with people. Doughy O’Drip, the portly, mustachioed proprietor, is behind the counter, waving frantically to Mel.
DOUGHY
Officer Cool!
C.U. MEL – SQUINTING
MEL (sotto voice)
Excellent!
INT. – CLOSER ON DOUGHY’S BAGEL BARN
As Mel Cool walks up to the counter. Doughy, beaming, salutres.
DOUGHY
Great to see you again, Officer!
MEL COOL
Hello, Doughy. At ease.
Doughy drops the salute and holds up a ready train containing more bagels and a hot mug of coffee.
DOUGHY
The regular?
Mel takes the bagels and coffee from the tray.
MEL COOL
Oh, yeah.
(to us)
This is Doughy O’Drip. Owner of
Doughy’s Bagel Barn. He bakes the
best bagels and pours the hottest
cuppa Joe in all of Massive Mall.
Best of all, he’s something of a
sycophant.
DOUGHY (not insulted)
Awwww...that’s nice of you, Officer
Cool. And you know, I think you’re
the best darn mall cop in all of
Massive Mall. Even though you’re the
only one.
MEL COOL (eating)
I appreciate the support, citizen.
DOUGHY
But, um, I was wondering...
MEL COOL
Yes?
DOUGHY
Well...
MEL COOL
Spill it, man!
DOUGHY
Could you possibly pay me for the
two dozen poppyseed bagels you’ve
eaten this week?
A portentous music chord.
MEL COOL
Pay?
DOUGHY
Perhaps?
MEL COOL
For the poppyseed.
DOUGHY
Possibly?
MEL COOL
Sure. Sure, I’ll pay.
DOUGHY
Great!
MEL COOL
Here.
Mel digs into his pockets, comes with with a bunch of wrapped coin rolls and throws them on the counter, where they break into piles of coins.
DOUGHY
Uh...thanks. Thanks, Officer!
Doughy begins to sweep up the coins with a whisk broom and dust-catcher.
MEL COOL
Yeah, sure. Just remember this,
my caffeine-and-carbohydrate-
friend....
Stirring music under Mel’s speech.
MEL COOL
The next time some hoodlum comes to
your counter begging for a straw
without even buying a drink...or
when when some nutjob tries to swipe
a napkin...or when some nearsighted
mall-walker collides with your giant,
plastic bagel...
DOUGHY
(white, afraid)
Yes?
Mel leans in for emphasis.
MEL COOL
I might not be around to protect your
mall-bound butt.
DOUGHY
(stunned at the insult)
Gasp! B... B...
Suddenly, Mel’s headset communicator, hanging on his belt, begins to beep.
MEL COOL
(to Doughy)
Hold that thought.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
Commander Cogg calling Mel Cool.
Commander Cogg calling Mel Cool.
Come in, Cool.
Mel places the communicator on his head.
MEL COOL
This is Mel Cool: Mall Cop. Come in,
Commander.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. THE OPULENT OFFICE OF COMMANDER COGG
Commander Cogg, head of mall security, stands regally behind his desk. Cogg is very tall, super thin, balding, in a totally black suit. A collection of antique swords is on the wall behind him. A fireplace crackles. Cogg is talking on his head set as he polished one of the swords.
COMMANDER COGG
Officer Cool, you’re not loafing
at Doughy’s again, are you?
MEL (V.O.)
Uh, no, Commander, of course not.
COMMANDER COGG
You better not be. Let’s not forget
you’re still on probation with me.
INTERCUT MEL COOL AND COMMANDER COGG
As Mel starts putting bagels in his pockets.
MEL COOL
I did forget that, sorry.
Cogg polishes his sword with increasing intensity.
COMMANDER COGG
You talk tough, cool, but you never
bring me any arrests. You always
stop crime with stern warnings.
MEL COOL
I feel stern warnings are effective,
sir.
COMMANDER COGG
Don’t be ridiculous. We can’t run
Massive Mall Security Department on
stern warnings. We have a mall jail
to fill.
MEL COOL
But...
COMMANDER COGG
You better start making arrests,
Cool, or Massive Mall could easily
delete its only mall cop from its
ranks.
MEL COOL
Yes, sir. No, sir.
COMMANDER COGG
Now, head immediately to Pricey’s
Department Store. On your current
level. There’s a report of a 15-22
in progress.
MEL COOL
A 15-22?
COMMANDER COGG
A 15-22.
Doughy pops his head into frame.
DOUGHY
What’s a 15-22?
MEL COOL
What’s a 15-22, Commander?
COMMANDER COGG
Shoplifting, you imbecile!
MEL COOL (to Doughy)
Shoplifting.
Doughy’s eyes get big and his head pops out of frame.
COMMANDER COGG
Now, get going! And remember, Cool,
I want arrests, not warnings! Arrests!
The communicator beeps “off.”
DOUGHY
(groupie-like)
Wow, Officer Cool! Do you think you
can actually forgo the stern warnings
and make an actual arrest?
MEL COOL
Just watch me, Doughy!
(turns, addresses us)
To the Mallmobile!
Mel turns around and begins to run, his head still turned to us. We pan with him for six, quick steps, when suddenly, he smashes into the front of the Mallmobile, an open-roof, Jeep-like vehicle with a blue light atops its crossbars. The camera has moved past the car, then backtracks to see Mel sprawled on the hood, his face to the windshield.
MEL COOL
I parked it closer than I remembered.
He gets up off the hood of the Securi-Car, goes around to the side, and enters through the driver’s side door.
INT. – THROUGH THE WINDOW OF SECURI-CAR
Mel puts on his eat belt.
MEL COOL
This is the Mallmobile. It’s not just
the sweetest ride in all Massive Mall...
C.U. – MEL’S HAND ON IGNITION KEY
He turns the key and, with a rev of the engine, the Mallmobile stars up. Posted over the ignition is a note reading, “Please Do Not Leave Keys In Mallmobile.”
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF MALLMOBILE
MEL COOL
...it’s a good excuse for an exciting
driving sequence!
C.U. – MEL’S HAND ON RADIO KNOB
He turns on the radio. A rock song blares. It’s “Highway to the Danger Zone.”
C.U. – BLUE LIGHT ON TOP OF MALLMOBILE
As it comes to life and starts flashing.
WINDER ANGLE – ON MALLMOBILE
As it does a partial wheelie and peels out.
INT. MALL – DOWN THE CORRIDOR
At floor level, looking into the distance. Stores recede to a vanishing point. Crowds everywhere. Suddenly, ZZZWOOOOSH, the Mallmobile comes barreling toward and over us as people duck out of the way.
INT. MALL – A SERIES OF SHOTS ALONG THE CORRIDOR
We see the front facades and signage of various stores as the Mallmobile whisks by each of them.
HOUSE OF PAPERCLIPS
EVERYTHING’S $1,000
USED LINGERIE
OXYGEN TO GO
BIG-CAVITY CANDY
C.U. – MALLMOBILE WHEEL
As it spins madly.
ANOTHER FLOOR LEVEL SHOT
As the Mallmobile, now in high speed, zooms over us again.
C.U. – MALLMOBILE DASH
Mel’s hand reaches in and presses a button marked “Activate Parachute.”
ANGLE – ON MALLMOBILE
A parachute unfolds out of the back and helps slow the Mallmobile to a safe speed.
INT. – ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Sign says:
PRICEY’S. WHERE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT PAYING MORE.
The Mallmobile comes to a halt, chute dragging, as shoppers look on. Mel hops out of the Mallmobile, slams the door behind him, and runs into the store. There’s a long beat. Then he abruptly run back OUT of the store.
C.U. – MALLMOBILE DASHBOARD
Mel’s hand reaches in and turns the radio off. The music cuts out. However, Mel forgets to grab the keys, which are still in the ignition.
BACK TO PREVIOUS WIDE SHOT
Mel hops back out of the Mallmobile and runs into the store again.
INT. – PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Mel is moving purposely through clothes racks, looking for crime. Suddenly, he spots his prey.
MEL COOL
Now then, where’s this 15-22? It
could be anywhere. A 15-22...
MEL’S P.O.V. – PRICEY’S SHOPPING BACK RACK
A 16-year-old girl dressed in ripped jeans and a tank top. Her hair is purple. This is Klepto, teen-age cleptomaniac, and she’s on a shopping bag stealing spree. She’s pulling dozens of bags off the rack and hanging them onto her arm.
KLEPTO
(singing to herself)
This is the way we steal the bags...
steal the bags... steal the bags...
C.U. – MEL
MEL COOL
That must be it.
Mel emerges from behind a clothes rack and points purposefully.
MEL COOL
Hey you! Over by the shopping bags!
Freeze!
WIDER SHOT – MEL AND KLEPTO
She freezes, her arms outstretched, multiple shopping bags dangling from each.
KLEPTO
(feigning cluelessness)
I’m sorry, are you, like, talking
to “Moi”?
MEL COOL
That’s right... “Moi.” Those shopping
bags aren’t free. They happen to be
seventy-five cents...apiece!
KLEPTO
Is that so?
MEL COOL
That is so so.
KLEPTO
Gee, officer...tough [bleep!]
And at the bleep, she flings the dozens of shopping bags into the air. They come raining down, as she strides off, laughing derisively.
C.U. – MEL
MEL COOL
Only one thing worse than brazen
teen-age loitering. Brazen teen-age
littering.
WIDER ANGLE – DEPARTMENT STORE AISLE
Walking away, Klepto looks back, still laughing. But into the shot comes Mel, striding toward her. With a look of delight, Klepto begins running. She’s almost baiting him to come after her. Mel begins running, too. A chase is on.
MEL COOL
Halt in the name of Massive Mall!
This is my last warning!
(to us)
Literally.
INT. MALL – THE ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
Klepto, still laughing, runs out of the store and past the Mallmobile. Seconds later, Mel runs out, too, panting. He can’t keep up on foot.
ANGLE – MALLMOBILE
Mel reaches into the back seat of the Mallmobile and pulls out the Grappling Pistol.
SIDE ANGLE – MEL
As he lifts the pistol, aims it straight ahead...
MEL COOL
I knew this would come in handy.
...and fires. BLAM! The hook and cable are launched.
TRACKING WITH GRAPPLING HOOK
As it flies straight ahead and down the corridor.
ANGLE ON KLEPTO
She slows down to a walk, confident she’s gotten away. But the grappling hook zwips past her, then does a series of spirals around her, wrapping her in cable. She’s trapped!
KLEPTO
Hey! What th...? No fair!
BACK TO MEL
He hits the “retract” button on the pistol and it begins to pull in the cable.
BACK TO KLEPTO
As the cable reels her in, she’s dragged backwards, her big platform shoes screeching on the floor as she tries in vain to stop this. She’s not happy.
KLEPTO
You fascist! Para-military paranoid!
Mall cop!
INT. – ENTRANCE TO PRICEY’S
As the retracting cable pulls Klepto back to where Mel is standing.
MEL COOL
Compliments will get you nowhere.
He disengages the grappling hook from around her waist. Leads her by the arm over the Mallmobile.
MEL COOL
Now get your butt in the Mallmobile,
young lady. We’re taking a little ride.
Intercut C.U.s of Mel and Klepto.
KLEPTO
Oh, yeah? Where to?
MEL COOL
To see Commander Cogg and throw you
in mall jail. Yes, I’m about to...
(with import) arrest you.
KLEPTO
No stern warning?
MEL COOL
No...stern...warning.
KLEPTO
Well, I’ve got news for you, pal.
MEL COOL
What “news” could you have for me?
KLEPTO
My name is Klepto. Klepto Cogg.
MEL COOL
Catchy. So what?
KLEPTO
Cogg. As in Commander Cogg.
Your boss.
Mel’s eyes widen for the first time.
MEL COOL
Are you saying you’re somehow
related to Commander Cogg, the head
of mall security?
KLEPTO
You might say that. He’s my dear
ol’ Dad.
A music sting. Mel’s eyes narrow again.
KLEPTO
And you wouldn’t want to get on
Daddy’s bad side by busting his dear,
sweet daughter, now would you, officer?
As Mel considers, a balloon over his head shows
Commander Cogg, gesturing with a sword as he makes
his orders clear.
COMMANDER COGG
(reverb)
No warnings, Cool! Arrests!
Arrests!
C.U. – KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Well, would you, officer?
C.U. – MEL
As he bites his knuckle.
A dramatic fanfare.
Suddenly, Doughy pops his head into frame.
DOUGHY
I knew this would happen.
CRASH CUT TO BLACK
END OF ACT ONE
--------------------------
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. MALL - THE DOOR TO COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Stenciled on opaque glass is "COMMANDER COGG / Director of Mall Security." Then, in tiny type under that: "Appointments Necessary." The door opens to reveal Commander Cogg having an imaginary duel with the sword. He sees us, stops, stands up straight.
COMMANDER COGG
(to us)
Ah, there you are! Come in. Come in. You must be...
REVERSE ANGLE - COGG'S P.O.V.
Entering the doorway is MS. EFFICIENT, a beautiful redhead. She's wearing a business suit, but with an Ally McBeal-style short skirt. Standing in the glow from lights outside the door, she is gorgeous.
MS. EFFICIENT
Ms. Efficient reporting to duty, Commander Cogg.
COMMANDER COGG
Ms. Efficient!
INT. - COGG'S OFFICE
He steps around his huge desk to shake her hand. He's waving the sword in the other.
COMMANDER COGG
Finally Massive Mall gives me the assistant I've been asking for. I hear you're the most efficient assistant ever.
MS. EFFICIENT
Well, I've already taken the liberty of doing all your work for the entire week, Commander.
COMMANDER COGG
Oh, you're good.
MS. EFFICIENT
What's with the swords, sir?
Cogg steps back against the wall of sword, gestures.
COMMANDER COGG
They're sharp, they're pointy, they retain their value on the antique market: what's not to like?
MS. EFFICIENT
Right. Is there anything else I can handle efficiently today, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
Well, yes, there is one thing.
He hands her an 8 by 10" glossy photo of Mel Cool. Stamped above the image are the words: "FILE PHOTO."
COMMANDER COGG
You see my employee here? His name is Mel Cool: Mall Cop.
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes, I've examined his file. He's rather hunky, sir.
COMMANDER COGG
WHAT? Never mind that.
He presses a button on his sword. Suddenly, a translucent radar screen slides down behind them. Imprinted on this radar screen is a BLUEPRINT of one entire Mall level. There's a FLASHING RED DOT and a FLASHING BLUE DOT next to each other on the radar.
COMMANDER COGG
He's in a high-speed chase, you see. This flashing blue dot represents Mel Cool in his current location. The flashing red dot represents the culprit he's just nabbed. Whoever he or she might be.
MS. EFFICIENT
What do you want me to do, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
(turns to her)
Watch the flashing dots with me!
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes, sir!
C.U. - THE FLASHING RED DOT ON THE SCREEN
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
C.U. - KLEPTO
Sticking out her tongue.
KLEPTO
You can't arrest me, you can't!
ANOTHER ANGLE - MEL AND KLEPTO
As Mel opens the passenger side door to the Securi-Car.
MEL COOL
Because you're Cogg's daughter, huh?
KLEPTO
Right. And if you're not gonna arrest me -- and you're not, we both know that -- why don't you let me go with the stern warning you know you're dying to give?
Mel opens the door of the Securi-Car, puts Klepto in the passenger seat, blocking her head so she doesn't hit the overhead crossbeam.
MEL COOL
Klepto Cogg, you have the right to remain silent...
KLEPTO
Wait a minute, you mean you're really gonna take me in?
C.U. - MEL
He holds a flashlight to his face to give it ultra-dramatic lighting.
MEL COOL
That's right.
TEEN-AGE BOY'S VOICE
(from off)
Officer Cool! Officer Cool!
Mel whirls to face the source of the voice.
MEL
What th...?
REVERSE ANGLE - MEL'S P.O.V.
16-year-old nerd Dweez Dweezman, a mall store employee, is trying to get Mel's attention. Standing next to him is the beautiful Jennifer Jupiter, a 16-year-old cheerleader. The problem: Jennifer has the front part of her overly hairsprayed hair caught between the doors of an elevator.
DWEEZ
Officer Cool, over here! It's me, Dweez Dweezman! Look! Jennifer Jupiter has her overly hairsprayed hair caught between the doors of this elevator!
JENNIFER
Like: ow!
ANGLE - MEL AND SECURI-CAR
He runs toward us and off frame. Left behind is Klepto, still sitting in the Securi-Car.
MEL COOL
I knew this would happen some day.
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
MEL COOL
Don't worry, citizens...
ANGLE - MEL COOL
He stops running. From a sheath on his belt, he pulls a giant pair of scissors.
MEL COOL
I have scissors.
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
Jennifer's eyes grow large.
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF THE SECURI-CAR
Klepto, still cuffed, is looking around the dashboard. She sees...
C.U. - SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
The ignition key is still in the ignition. The LED still reads: "DO NOT LEAVE KEYS IN SECURI-CAR." Klepto's hand touches the key.
C.U. - KLEPTO
As she smiles mischievously.
BACK TO DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
Mel approaches. He is about to free Jennifer from the elevator by cutting her hair with the giant scissors. But before he can, they are all distracted by the ENGINE of the Securi-Car as it REVS UP.
DWEEZ
(looks up and points)
Officer Cool! Look!
OVER MEL'S SHOULDER
As he watches the Securi-Car PEEL OUT.
DWEEZ
That purple-haired girl is hijacking the Securi-Car!
C.U. - MEL, SCOWLING
MEL
(soft GROWL)
INT. - SECURI-CAR FRONT SEAT
Klepto is at the wheel, taking the car out for a spin.
KLEPTO
Yee-ha!
C.U. - SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
Klepto turns the tape player on. Sure enough, it's "Highway to the Danger Zone" again.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(to us)
He must love this song.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car weaves dangerously through a sea of shoppers.
KLEPTO
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me...
Hee hee hee...
INT. - ANOTHER PART OF THE CORRIDOR
We're looking at a poster mounted above a water fountain. The poster shows Mel Cool, pointing at the viewer. The copy reads: "BEHAVE IN MASSIVE MALL." Into this shot steps Mel Cool himself, covering the poster version of himself.
MEL COOL
(to us)
She doesn't realize the kind of mall cop she's dealing with.
He portentously dons his driving goggles.
MEL COOL
There's one gadget I haven't showed anyone yet.
He lifts one leg, propping his left boot in his right hand.
C.U. - HIS LEFT BOOT
It's actually a JET-PROPELLED ROLLER BLADE. Two tiny jet exhausts pop out of the each side. Mel's finger presses an "On" button on the shoe. The jets fire.
C.U. - HIS RIGHT BOOT
Likewise, Mel presses a button and jets fire.
ANGLE - MEL ABOUT TO BLAST OFF
The jets are revving up.
MEL COOL
Jet-propelled roller blades.
Don't enter the mall security field without 'em.
He thumbs the switch of the remote control and he EXPLODES FORWARD in a cloud of dust.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
ANGLE - DWEEZ AND JENNIFER
They look on, gaping, dumbfounded, still in the same position as before. Jennifer's hair is still caught in the elevator doors.
DWEEZ
Whoa.
JENNIFER
Still "ow."
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
As Mel whisks by on his jet-propelled roller blades.
C.U. - MEL
As the background recedes quickly into a vanishing point. His driving goggles reflect oncoming images.
MEL COOL
There's enough fuel in these blades to last ten minutes at this speed. Ishould catch up to the perp in two.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR
Angle low to the floor. Mel zooms toward us and over us.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
The translucent RADAR panel, imprinted with a blueprint of this level. A blinking BLUE DOT, representing Mel on the radar, begins to move.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
I seriously doubt that.
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg and Ms. Efficient are standing over the radar screen, watching.
MS. EFFICIENT
Why, Commander?
Cogg walks over to the wall of swords, puts back the sword he's been carrying. A large, scowling photo of Klepto is hung amid them.
COMMANDER COGG
I'll tell you why! Mel Cool doesn't have it in him to actually arrest anyone. Anyone!
MS. EFFICIENT
(points to picture of Klepto)
Hmmm. Is, uh, that your daughter, sir?
COMMANDER COGG
Hmm? Yes, my daughter, Klepto. Lovely child. Completely law-abiding. She has nothing to do with this episode!
MS. EFFICIENT
But, sir...
COMMANDER COGG
(impatient)
Look, why don't you take a break and get me piece of pie?
MS. EFFICIENT
A piece of...?
He pushes her toward the door.
COMMANDER COGG
I'll update you on the crisis when you return.
He pushes her out the door, and it automatically slides down behind her, Star Trek-style.
MS. EFFICIENT
(from behind door)
Yes, Commander.
Cogg waits to hear her run off, then runs back to the wall of swords. He lifts the only solid GOLD SWORD. But it's attached to the wall with an axle. Cogg TURNS the sword as if it's the helm of a ship. It CREEEEEKS...
...as the Wall of Swords OPENS UP to reveal a giant TV SCREEN filled with colorful static, emanating an unearthly HUMMMMM. Cogg lifts an old-fashioned microphone, speaks into it.
COMMANDER COGG
Commander Cogg calling the Secret Master of the Mall. Commander Cogg calling the Secret Master of the Mall.
ON THE TV MONITOR
An image FADES IN. A man (or is it?) holding a towel wrapped over his head. He's in some kind of STEAM ROOM; steam billows. His features can't be seen, but one glowing, green eye is catching the light. This is the Master.
MASTER
I'm here, Commander, I'm here. But, please -- call me "Master."
COMMANDER COGG
Yes, Master.
MASTER
I do love the sound of that.
COMMANDER COGG
You seem all steamy, Master.
Master turns, still hidden under the towel, but now we see TWO glowing green eyes.
MASTER
I'm in a steam room, you idiot! What is it you want, Cogg?
INTERCUT - COGG AND THE MASTER
COMMANDER COGG
It's about Mel Cool, master...
MASTER
Mel Cool? Haven't you fired him yet?
COMMANDER COGG
Not exactly. To follow department protocol, I'm giving him one more chance to trip himself up.
MASTER
I hate department protocol.
COMMANDER COGG
But here's the beauty of it, sir. If he doesn't arrest the culprit he's now pursuing, and he won't, I assure you, I get to fire him legally and immediately!
MASTER
Good! Then true chaos can rule in the mall! Which is the whole point! I built Massive as my personal laboratory in human response to pure chaos in a self-contained eco-system! It's my own ant farm.
COMMANDER COGG
I can't pretend to understand, sir.
MASTER
Of course not. You're a cogg in more ways than one, Cogg! Just make sure you fire Mel Cool! STAT!
The image of Master on the big-screen TV dissolves to STATIC once again. Commander Cogg turns, walks to his bank of radar images.
COMMANDER COGG
Thy will is almost done, sir...
C.U. - RADAR IMAGE
On the translucent blueprint, a blinking BLUE DOT pursues a blinking RED DOT. Zoom in on the RED dot.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF THE SECURI-CAR
Klepto is driving, holding the wheel with one hand while painting her toenails purple with the other. She looks in the rear view mirror.
C. U. - THE REAR VIEW MIRROR
Shows Mel on his jet blades actually catching up to her. Steam trails from the cup of coffee he's holding.
KLEPTO
Uh-oh.
INT. - FRONT SEAT OF SECURI-CAR
Klepto grabs wheel with renewed fervor.
C.U. - THE GAS PEDAL
Klepto steps on it.
INT. - LONG-SHOT, TRACKING ALONG THE CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car suddenly lurches with increased speed. The Securi-Car and Mel do a series of FIGURE EIGHTS around giant PLANTERS. People on benches stand on them to get out of the way. The Securi-Car loops 360 degrees and races the OTHER way and out of shot. Mel follows diligently.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - ANOTHER PART OF THIS CORRIDOR
As Ms. Efficient walks briskly on her errand to get pie for Commander Cogg. Suddenly, the Securi-Car careens by, knocking her off her feet. She gets back up. Now the pursuing Mel Cool knocks her off her feet again. She gets back up again. She looks in the direction of the chase.
MS. EFFICIENT
(yells sternly)
Slow down, both of you!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - ENTRANCE TO "MASSIVE MALL PLAYLAND"
It's a mini-amusement park section of the Mall. The Securi-Car flies past the ticket booth. Seconds later, Mel blades past, too.
INT. - ENTRANCE TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
Sign says: "OL' FASHION BUMPER CARS!" Securi-Car turns in.
INT. - BUMPER CAR RIDE
A bunch of kids and teens carousing in the cars, delighting in ramming one another. THUNK! Laughter. THUNK! Screams. The Securi-Car SCREECHES into their midst. Klepto tries to navigate through the bumper cars, but the other riders see her as fresh blood. WHAM! She's bumped from one side. WHAM! From another.
C. U. - KLEPTO
Getting whiplash from the blows.
KLEPTO
Hey...hey...hey...hey...
INT. - EXIT TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
She's bumped again hard, sending the Securi-Car through the doorway marked "Exit."
INT. - ENTRANCE TO BUMPER CAR RIDE
Now Mel Cool enters the fray, turning sharply on his jet-powered roller blades into the entrance and into the mass of bumper cars.
INT. - BUMPER CAR RIDE
Mel does some fancy footwork as he dodges two bumper cars. As Mel aims for the exit, two malevolent teens aim their bumper cars to ram him simultaneously. Mel looks one way, then another...and JUMPS! As the two bumper cars carrying the teens PLOW into each other! Whoosh! Mel is over them and free. He lands on the ground, zips out the side of the bumper car ride and into the main Mall corridor again.
MEL'S P.O.V.
Klepto is only slightly ahead of him. He guns it.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR
As Mel pulls up alongside at last. They are now traveling at the same speed.
C. U. - MEL
From his belt, he pulls a device which unfolds into a megaphone.
MEL COOL
(into megaphone)
Pull over, perp.
INTERCUT - MEL AND KLEPTO
KLEPTO
No way.
MEL COOL
I AM going to arrest you, you know.
KLEPTO
So far you're not doing that great a job.
MEL COOL
Klepto, if you don't pull over, you're gonna hit those black velvet clown paintings up ahead.
KLEPTO
Wh...?
MEL COOL
Not that I would be sad to see them go.
INT. - AN EXHIBIT OF CLOWN PAINTINGS
The Securi-Car side-swipes the corner of the exhibit, shattering a group of black velvet clown paintings -- and sending the pieces flying. Mel eludes the frames and canvasses hurling past him. But one of the pieces SLAMS into US! WHHHACK!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - THE FRONT OF DOUGHY'S BAGEL BARN
DOUGHY is at the counter, watching a small TV. On the screen, we see Mel chasing the Securi-Car. Up to the counter stumbles MS. EFFICIENT, still a little shaken from her near-collision with that chase.
MS. EFFICIENT
A piece of pie, please, Doughy.
DOUGH
Yes, ma'am!
MS. EFFICIENT
You're watching the chase, I see.
DOUGHY
On Mall TV, right. It's live.
MS. EFFICIENT
Did you see how they tried to...
(turns back to nobody and yells)
...run me OVER?!!!!!
DOUGHY
No, but we've just learned the girl Mel Cool is chasing is Commander Cogg's daughter, Klepto.
MS. EFFICIENT
(stunned)
We have? She is? Oh, no!
She collapses on counter, then finds resolve.
MS. EFFICIENT
Double espresso, man - Stat!
DOUGHY
Yes, ma'am!
INT. - THE MALL CORRIDOR
The Securi-Car zooming along. Followed by Mel on jet skates.
P.O.V. - OVER KLEPTO'S SHOULDER
She sees a sign reading " REDUCED SPEED AHEAD."
C.U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON BRAKE PEDAL
She pushes it. Nothing happens.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Uh-oh again.
WIDER SHOT
Mel is alongside her once again. The Securi-Car starts to swerve. Mel swerves with it.
KLEPTO
(yelling to Mel)
Something is wrong! I'm losing control! The brakes don't work!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
You must have severed the brake cable on those so-called "paintings."
KLEPTO
Well, what do I do now?
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Stop accelerating!
C. U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON ACCELERATOR
As she lets up.
P.O.V. - KLEPTO
Over her shoulder, we see where she's heading: the end of this corridor. At the far wall, and directly in Klepto's path, is the front counter of...DOUGHY'S!
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(says something that's BLEEPED OUT.)
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is watching the transparent radar screen, delighted to see the two blinking dots both heading to the part of the blueprint marked "DOUGHY'S."
COMMANDER COGG
Well, well! They're on a collision course with Doughy's! Fascinating!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG, SMILING
COMMANDER COGG
Ms. Efficient, you're missing all the fun!
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
Ms. Efficient and Doughy stand frozen, horrified by the sight of the Securi-Car heading right for them.
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR LEADING TO DOUGHY'S
The Securi-Car is still moving too fast.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Eyes big, she knows she's gonna hit Doughy's.
C.U. - MEL COOL
Eyes big, so does he.
CRASH CUT TO BLACK
END ACT II
--------------------------
ACT THREE
FADE IN
INT. - MALL CORRIDOR LEADING TO DOUGHY'S
The Securi-Car is rolling forward, still too fast.
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
Look out!
C.U. - MS. EFFICIENT AND DOUGHY
At the front counter of Doughy's.
MS. EFFICIENT
(to Doughy)
She's not stopping, is she?
Doughy shakes his head "no."
WIDER SHOT - ENTIRE FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
AS Doughy rushes to the front of the counter, puts his hands out as if to protect it.
DOUGHY
(yelling)
Halt before you bash my bagels!
C.U. - KLEPTO
KLEPTO
(yelling)
I can't!
C.U. - MS. EFFICIENT
As she gets an idea.
MS. EFFICIENT
Must...be...efficient...
WIDER SHOT - MS. EFFICIENT
As she hops up on the counter, grabs the handles of a huge, 100-gallon coffee pot sitting on the counter - and tips it over! SPLOOOOSH! Coffee gushes out onto the floor in front of Doughy's.
MS. EFFICIENT
Mel Cool will know what to do!
C.U. - MEL COOL
Still zooming on the jet skates. His eyes open ever so wide. Yes! He knows what to do!
WIDE SHOT - TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
As it hits the huge puddle of coffee - SPLLLASH! - and loses any real traction with the ground. Suddenly alongside the Securi-Car comes MEL. He raises one leg off the ground and gives the Securi-Car one, firm KICK. THWAP! The Securi-Car, without traction in the puddle, starts to SPIN.
WORM'S EYE VIEW - SECURI-CAR
It spins in the puddle of coffee, a tire passing right by.
C.U. - KLEPTO, SPINNING
WIDE, OVERHEAD SHOT - SECURI-CAR
The car stops spinning but is now sliding OFF-COURSE, backwards, out of the puddle of coffee, when it HITS the outside of a giant, inflatable balloon that says, "MASSIVE MALL ENCOURAGES SAFETY." The car almost penetrates the balloon, but doesn't. After a beat, the car bounces forward.
ANGLE - MEL COOL
As he banks left and out of the coffee puddle.
ANGLE - MS. EFFICIENT
Standing on the counter, she raises her hand in triumph.
MS. EFFICIENT
Yes!
ANGLE - DOUGHY
As he breathes a sigh of relief.
ON SECURI-CAR
Pushed through the air by the force of the balloon, it lands - FLOMP! - directly onto the railings of an UP ESCALATOR. The wheels of the Securi-Car are the same distance apart as the escalator railings.
KLEPTO
Okay, this is getting silly.
But Klepto sees that if she loses forward momentum, she'll lose control even more. So...
C.U. - SECURI-CAR ACCELERATOR
Klepto guns it yet again.
ANGLE - ON SECURI-CAR
As it revs UP the escalator railings with increased speed. Shoppers are jumping out of the way onto a parallel staircase.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS FROM A DISTANCE
The tiny Securi-Car climbing, climbing...
INT. - BOTTOM OF THE ESCALATOR
Mel blades up to escalator railing, JUMPS -- and LANDS on the escalator railing, balancing as if on a beam, still roaring upwards via jet-blades.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Turning all the way around to look behind her.
KLEPTO
He can blade. I'll give him that.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
Below the Securi-Car is Mel Cool, zipping up the railing.
C.U. - MEL COOL
Gazing up with renewed determination, he hears voices yet again.
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
Arrests...not warnings...
KLEPTO (V.O.)
You can't arrest Commander Cogg's daughter...
COMMANDER COGG (V.O.)
One less mall cop in Massive Mall...
MS. EFFICIENT (V.O.)
Slow down!
But he speeds up.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is watching the radar screen, and sure enough, the blue dot is gaining on the red dot as they travel up the blueprint of the escalator.
COMMANDER COGG
(to the red dot)
What? Don't speed up! You can't catch that culprit! You're as good as fired!
MASTER
(from off)
"Good as" isn't good enough, Cogg!
Cogg whirls.
WIDER ANGLE - THE TV ON THE WALL OF SWORDS
Cogg sees the image of the Secret Alien Master of the Mall. This time, the Master is wrapped in wet bandages - save for his eyes.
COMMANDER COGG
Master! You're out of the steam room, I see, sir.
MASTER
Cooling chamber. Very soothing.
COMMANDER COGG
Uh-huh.
MASTER
You know, Cogg, maybe you should take extra precautions to make sure Cool can't catch that culprit.
COMMANDER COGG
(bowing)
"Extra precautions" are at hand, sir.
Cogg holds up a little wooden box.
C. U. - THE LID OF THE BOX
It reads: "Extra Precautions." He opens the lid to reveal a switch.
INTERCUT - COGG AND THE MASTER
COMMANDER COGG
With this switch, I can blow up the Securi-Car by remote control. Had a bomb hidden in the engine. If his current reckless chase creates a public hazard, I'd be justified in destroying the car and anyone near it.
MASTER
The Master approves.
COMMANDER COGG
(smiling)
I live for your approval, Master.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - A LONG STRETCH OF ESCALATOR
The Securi-Car zips past, still climbing. Followed by Mel.
ANGLE - ESCALATOR REST STOP
There's a break in the side-railings for a platform marked "ESCALATOR REST STOP." Sure enough, there are shoppers on the platform, resting. The Securi-Car FLIES OVER, landing on the railings directly ahead. Right behind her, Mel does the same.
TRACKING WITH MEL
As he jet-blades up the railing.
MEL COOL
(to us)
Rest stops on the escalator. I hope you noticed that.
Suddenly, there's a beep from his wrist computer. He looks at it.
C.U. - THE WRIST COMPUTER
An LED reads: "JET BLADES ALMOST OUT OF FUEL"
C.U. - MEL
He frowns.
TRACKING WITH MEL
The jet blades begin to sputter and smoke. Mel looks at the wrist computer again.
C.U. - WRIST COMPUTER
The LED reads, "JET BLADES DEFINITELY OUT OF FUEL"
MEL'S P.O.V.
The Securi-Car is getting farther ahead.
TRACKING WITH MEL
He's slowing down, dangerously. He pulls out his grappling pistol. Aims it straight ahead. Fires.
TRACKING WITH THE GRAPPLING HOOK
As it slices the air, following the line of the escalator.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR
As the grappling pistol gains on it, passes the metal crossbeams of the roof, slows and CATCHES! KLANK!
WIDE SHOT - ESCALATORS
Mel, holding the pistol with both hands, is being PULLED by the Securi-Car via the grappling line. It's like he's water-skiing. On an elevator railing.
C.U. - KLEPTO
She looks in the rear view mirror and sees Mel, attached by the line.
KLEPTO
You have got to be kidding me.
(turns around, yells to Mel)
Hey, Mel! Obsess much?
But when she turns back around to the front, she's startled by...
KLEPTO'S P.O.V. - THE ESCALATOR LANDING ABOVE
A huge crowd, sufficiently dazed, looks on at the exit ramp. They aren't moving for the Securi-Car.
C.U. - KLEPTO
As she steers violently.
KLEPTO
Oh, for heaven's... Can nobody get out of the way today?
KLEPTO'S P.O.V. - THE ESCALATOR LANDING ABOVE
The crowd doesn't budge.
C.U. - KLEPTO'S FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR
As she lets up.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
For a moment, the Securi-Car keeps climbing out of sheer momentum. Then it slows...and slows...
C.U. - MEL
Also slowing.
WIDE ANGLE - ESCALATORS
Inches from the crowd at the top of the escalators, the Securi-Car comes to a complete halt.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ooooooooo.
Hanging only for a moment, the Securi-Car starts to roll BACKWARDS. Towards Mel.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ahhhhhhhh.
Picking up speed, the Securi-Car rolls past Mel and out of frame, whipping Mel with it as it goes.
C.U. - KLEPTO
She's losing control.
TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
As it moves OFF the escalator railings - and into empty space. Mel holds on for dear life to the grappling line trailing behind - and is launched into empty space, too.
EMPTY SPACE
The Securi-Car falls straight down. Followed by Mel, still clutching the Grappling Pistol.
INT. - REALLY WIDE SHOT
Of multiple levels of this tower. Like the "Star Wars" deathstar, the middle of the tower is a long, open "tunnel" to the many floors below.
Elevators crisscross the open air, but there's plenty of room to drop cleanly all the way down. Which is what the Securi-Car and Mel are doing.
ANGLE - LARGE CROWD AT THE TOP OF ESCALATORS
They stare down, transfixed.
CROWD
(simultaneously)
Ohhhhhhh.
INTERCUT KLEPTO AND MEL COOL
As they plummet. Klepto looks out the window at the depths below.
KLEPTO
Shoot!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
What did you say?
KLEPTO
(yells to him)
I said, "shoot."
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Exactly!
KLEPTO
What?
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
There's a brake chute on the car!
KLEPTO
What?
MEL COOL
Press the button marked "brake chute."
C.U. - THE BUTTON MARKED "BRAKE SHOOT"
Klepto's trembling finger pushes it.
TRACKING WITH THE SECURI-CAR
Still falling fast. No parachute emerges.
TRACKING WITH MEL
Still falling fast.
MEL COOL
Sometimes it sticks.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is staring at the translucent radar screen, watching the red dot and blue dot DROP down the central tunnel. In his hands he holds the small, wooden box marked "Extra Precautions."
COMMANDER COGG
Well, this high-speed mall chase is now officially a public hazard!
He opens the box.
C.U. - THE BOX MARKED "EXTRA PRECAUTIONS"
Cogg's hand opens the lid...and flicks the switch. CLICK! A series of beeps, under.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE BACK TO:
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Attention, Culprit!
C.U. - A SPEAKER ON THE SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
This car will self destruct in twenty seconds. Abandon the vehicle, whoever you are.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
KLEPTO
(recognizes the voice)
What? Daddy?????
TRACKING WITH MEL AS HE FALLS
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Cogg, you fool, you're blowing up your own daughter!
C.U. - THE SPEAKER ON THE SECURI-CAR DASHBOARD
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Fifteen seconds.
INTERCUT KLEPTO AND MEL COOL
KLEPTO
(yelling to Mel)
He can't hear!
MEL COOL
(on megaphone)
Klepto, jump clear. Repeat: jump clear.
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Ten seconds.
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
Klepto climbs out of the passenger seat, to the back of the Securi-Car. And jumps into thin air. The Securi-Car falls faster and out of frame. Mel falls into shot, grabs Klepto, releases the Grappling Pistol. Together, they're in freefall.
C.U. - THE REAR OF THE SECURI-CAR
Suddenly, FLOOMPH! The brake chute opens after all!
TRACKING WITH SECURI-CAR AS IT FALLS
The chute billows out behind Securi-Car! The Securi-Car slows, then...FLOOMPH! Mel Cool and Klepto, falling faster than the Securi-Car, plummet through the chute, yanking it OFF of the Securi-Car, which drops like a stone. Now Mel and Klepto are covered in the chute -- and dropping, too!
COMMANDER COGG
(filtered)
Commence destruction.
INT. - REALLY WIDE SHOT OF THE CENTRAL MALL CORE
As - KATHOOOOOM! -- the Securi-Car blows up, a fireball in mid-air, away from the crowds.
CLOSER ANGLE
Repeating the explosion. KATHOOOOOM! The Securi-Car evaporates into zillions of tiny little pieces.
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD AT THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL OF THE MALL
The crowd is staring up, lit by the glare of the explosion, as if watching fireworks. The crowd applauds.
HUGE CROWD
(simultaneously)
Oooooooooooooooo.
TRACKING WITH MEL AND KLEPTO
They're falling fast, covered in the chute. But the HOT AIR BLAST from the explosion below them sends the chute billowing UPWARD again - and Mel and Klepto are now hanging beneath, tangled in the lines, slowing - and safe!
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD ON THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL
Everyone is looking up, cheering.
HUGE CROWD
(simultaneously)
YAAAAAAY! Hooray! Hooray for Mel Cool! Hooray for Mel Cool!
TRACKING WITH MEL AND KLEPTO
They're falling gently now, back-to-back, in the chute lines.
KLEPTO|
(dryly)
They like you. They really like you.
ANGLE - HUGE CROWD ON THE VERY BOTTOM LEVEL
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
Suddenly, emerging from the crowd, is Ms. Efficient. She sings along.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
Next, Doughy emerges, throwing free bagels to everyone, and sings along.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
For he's a jolly good mall cop...
WIDE SHOT - LOOKING DOWN ON THE CROWD
The crowd parts, opens up a circular area into which Mel, Klepto and the parachute gently drop. Mel is cutting them both loose from the lines with his scissors-watch.
HUGE CROWD
(singing)
Which nobody can deny!
The crowd cheers.
DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
Cheering along. They high-five. But suddenly, popping up between them, is Commander Cogg. He barges through, puts hands on hips.
COMMANDER COGG
Oh! Yes! They! Can!
DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
(together)
Commander!
COMMANDER COGG
Officer Cool! Either, "a", arrest that culprit right here and now... or "b.", I'll fire you right here on the spot! (under his breath)
Pick "b", pick "b"!
ANGLE - SHOCKED ONLOOKERS
Hanging on every word.
COMMANDER COGG'S P.O.V.
The figures of Mel Cool and Klepto stand side-by-side, but they're both covered with the parachute, like ghosts.
COMMANDER COGG
Do you hear me, Cool?
MEL COOL
(muffled under chute)
Loud and clear, sir.
SNIKKT! A scissors pokes out of the parachute cloth, cuts a hole, and Mel's head pops out.
MEL COOL
Loud and clear.
Mel points the scissors at Klepto's neck...and cuts a quick hole around it.
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Aghast at what he sees.
C.U. - KLEPTO
Her head poking out of the parachute.
KLEPTO
Hi, Daddy!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
COMMANDER COGG
(Gasps)
K...Klepto? You're the...
TWO-SHOT - MEL AND KLEPTO
He holds out handcuffs.
MEL COOL
Culprit! You are under arrest!
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Looks around nervously.
COMMANDER COGG
Uhhhh....
TWO-SHOT - MEL AND KLEPTO
He's putting her in handcuffs.
MEL COOL
You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to be tried in a mall court of law. You have the right to lawyer up but you'd be smart to confess now, like they always do on "NYPD Blue." You have the right to one cellular phone call at a very special introductory rate...
Cogg rushes in between them, nervously looking around.
COMMANDER COGG
Mel, Mel, Mel! Think of the public relations aspect here. I mean, you can't arrest the only daughter of the revered head of Massive Mall security...
MEL COOL
Commander, I believe I just did.
ANGLE - THE HUGE CROWD
Cheers. Disco music begins playing.
THREE-SHOT - MEL, KLEPTO AND COGG
KLEPTO
I bet you think this is a cry for help, huh, Dad?
Cogg holds his head in defeat.
ANGLE - DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
Are bumping their rumps, disco-dancing, pointing their fingers ala John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever."
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
C.U. - TWO COFFEE MUGS, CLINKING
INT. - FRONT COUNTER OF DOUGHY'S
Mel and Doughy are toasting, then sipping.
DOUGHY
Congratulations on actually making your first arrest, Officer Cool.
MEL COOL
Thanks, Dough-man.
DOUGHY
Here's to many more.
MEL COOL
Countless.
DOUGHY
So Klepto's now in Massive Mall jail?
MEL COOL
Just till she cools off. I have the feeling the real drama occurs in the Cogg household -- tonight.
They laugh, a little too artificially. Ms. Efficient walks up, smiling.
MS. EFFICIENT
What are we laughing about?
DOUGHY
(suddenly serious)
I'm not sure.
INTERCUT MEL, DOUGHY AND MS. EFFICIENT
MS. EFFICIENT
Well, try this one on. Officer Cool, as Commander Cogg's now-permanent assistant, I'm here to tell you that not only do you get to keep your job, you now get a per diem expense account.
Mel doesn't get it.
MS. EFFICIENT
A daily food allowance.
MEL COOL
A daily...
DOUGHY
Food allowance?
MS. EFFICIENT
From now on, you can pour Joe in your jugular and pig out on poppyseed all you want -- on Massive Mall. It's just Commander Cogg's way of saying, "please don't file for Workman's Comp."
MEL COOL
I must say...I'm touched.
Doughy, gleaming, salutes and pulls a big tray of poppyseed bagels from behind his back.
DOUGHY
The regular, Officer?
MEL COOL
Bring 'em on, citizen.
As we ZOOM IN on the bagels, Mel's narration picks up again.
MEL COOL
Yes, that's what Massive Mall is all about, my friends.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
EXT. - NIGHT - THE NEON BLUE MASSIVE MALL SIGN
It blinks on and off, hypnotically, as in the opening sequence.
MEL COOL
People. Selling stuff. To people.
ZOOM IN slowly on the logo.
MEL COOL
Sometimes it seems like we're all living in the world's biggest mall. And you know, sometimes I get the sense there's a grand scheme to it all, just outside our grasp.
(big slurp)
I dunno. Maybe that's just me.
FAST TRANSITION WIPE TO:
INT. - COMMANDER COGG'S OFFICE
Cogg is standing by the big-screen TV, watching static. He picks up the microphone.
COMMANDER COGG
M...master? I'm afraid...
C.U. - ON COGG
Lit by the glow of the TV, he is numb.
COMMANDER COGG
..I have some bad news about the Mel Cool situation, Master.
REVERSE ANGLE - THE IMAGE ON THE TV
Suddenly the static clears up and we see the Master. He's reading a book, which is covering his face. The book cover says "EXPERIMENTS IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR."
At Cogg's words, the Master slowly puts the book down. Light bathes his face and we see it fully for the first time. Glowing green eyes of an alien from another world. One-third human, one-third reptile, one-third machine.
MASTER
(creepy, menacing)
How bad?
C.U. - COMMANDER COGG
Turns white and gulps.
CRASH CUT TO:
COMPLETE BLACKNESS
END OF ACT THREE
END OF SCRIPT
The cast of Mel Cool: Mall Cop® the animated series
Follow Mel Cool: Mall Cop® on Twitter:
http://twitter.com/mallcop
Who knows what the heck this guy will say?
http://twitter.com/mallcop
Who knows what the heck this guy will say?
Mel Cool: Mall Cop has been glaring at us for a long time. And glaring is what a mall cop does best.
The Sentinel of Stress-Free Shopping was co-created by Don Secrease and me in 1987, the height of mall madness. Mel was glaring (in a squint, but still) from the very first shot, reaching out with a bagel in one hand and a steaming cuppa Java in the other.
First thing we made was a t-shirt. (Says Mel himself: "Get a BRAND NEW Mall Cop t-shirt at http://www.cafepress.com/m
He got his wish at last in 1995, with the publication of the Mel Cool: Mall Cop Mini-Comic Special. You can read most of it right here, in the version of a free webcomic on this page. You can see a larger, longer version in free galleries on Mel's ComicSpace page, http://www.comicspace.com/
Reviews of the mini-comic were kind. Here's one, for example: http://www.flooby.com/arch
Mel Cool: Mall Cop next appeared in the two-parter, "Mystery of the Missing Morons," by the same creative team. The 11-page episodes were featured in the two-issue humor anthology Slightly Bent Comics #1 and #2 in 1996. Comicbook stores sold about a thousand of the first issue, about 500 of the second. We were ecstatic. Heck. Still are.
Co-publisher on those comics was Paul Fey, with whom I had formed a creative radio advertising business. Paul now runs World Wide Wadio and holds the Mel Cool: Mall Cop registered trademark. So. He's wall to wall. Also deserving of a tip of the Mall Cop cap is artist Tony Patti, whose initial concept sketches and encouragement were invaluable. (Tony is at http://www.tonypatti.com)
After those comicbooks appeared, I wrote a teleplay for the pilot of a Mel Cool: Mall Cop animated cartoon. Thinkin' Cartoon Network, Don and I reimagined the characters for color and animation. Shortly after, screenwriter Cary Anderson and I plotted out a Mel Cool: Mall Cop feature film, and Cary wrote the screenplay. It made the rounds.
And then, from right under our feets came the internets, where Mel has lurked since. http://www.MallCop.com is an attempt to bring all of his many loose ends together under one roof. Just like the mall Mel has sworn to defend.
Which brings us to the 2008 release of Mel Cool: Collected Comics #1, reprinting Mel's first three adventures, vailable as a print comic or a pdf download at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/conten
But even that is just a taste of the Mel Cool: Mall Cop milieu. Waiting within Massive Mall are despicable villians, loyal comrades, secret lovers, and customers looking endlessly for the food court. Observing from a hidden berth are the Secret Masters of the Mall – mysterious rulers who, if provoked, could prevent civilization from ever...shopping...again.
Maybe this site, and the Mel Cool: Mall Cop history contained within, will stop the guy from glaring at me, at least for a while. But then again, look at the guy.
It probably won't.
-- Walt Jaschek, co-creator of you-know-who and creative director of Walt Now!
The Sentinel of Stress-Free Shopping was co-created by Don Secrease and me in 1987, the height of mall madness. Mel was glaring (in a squint, but still) from the very first shot, reaching out with a bagel in one hand and a steaming cuppa Java in the other.
First thing we made was a t-shirt. (Says Mel himself: "Get a BRAND NEW Mall Cop t-shirt at http://www.cafepress.com/m
He got his wish at last in 1995, with the publication of the Mel Cool: Mall Cop Mini-Comic Special. You can read most of it right here, in the version of a free webcomic on this page. You can see a larger, longer version in free galleries on Mel's ComicSpace page, http://www.comicspace.com/
Reviews of the mini-comic were kind. Here's one, for example: http://www.flooby.com/arch
Mel Cool: Mall Cop next appeared in the two-parter, "Mystery of the Missing Morons," by the same creative team. The 11-page episodes were featured in the two-issue humor anthology Slightly Bent Comics #1 and #2 in 1996. Comicbook stores sold about a thousand of the first issue, about 500 of the second. We were ecstatic. Heck. Still are.
Co-publisher on those comics was Paul Fey, with whom I had formed a creative radio advertising business. Paul now runs World Wide Wadio and holds the Mel Cool: Mall Cop registered trademark. So. He's wall to wall. Also deserving of a tip of the Mall Cop cap is artist Tony Patti, whose initial concept sketches and encouragement were invaluable. (Tony is at http://www.tonypatti.com)
After those comicbooks appeared, I wrote a teleplay for the pilot of a Mel Cool: Mall Cop animated cartoon. Thinkin' Cartoon Network, Don and I reimagined the characters for color and animation. Shortly after, screenwriter Cary Anderson and I plotted out a Mel Cool: Mall Cop feature film, and Cary wrote the screenplay. It made the rounds.
And then, from right under our feets came the internets, where Mel has lurked since. http://www.MallCop.com is an attempt to bring all of his many loose ends together under one roof. Just like the mall Mel has sworn to defend.
Which brings us to the 2008 release of Mel Cool: Collected Comics #1, reprinting Mel's first three adventures, vailable as a print comic or a pdf download at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/conten
But even that is just a taste of the Mel Cool: Mall Cop milieu. Waiting within Massive Mall are despicable villians, loyal comrades, secret lovers, and customers looking endlessly for the food court. Observing from a hidden berth are the Secret Masters of the Mall – mysterious rulers who, if provoked, could prevent civilization from ever...shopping...again.
Maybe this site, and the Mel Cool: Mall Cop history contained within, will stop the guy from glaring at me, at least for a while. But then again, look at the guy.
It probably won't.
-- Walt Jaschek, co-creator of you-know-who and creative director of Walt Now!
Art by Rick Burchett
40 pages of mall-induced mania, collecting Mel's first three adventures in one place for the first time.
"Ugly Incident on Level 44" pits Mel against his soon-to-be-arch-enemy, the teen-age thief called Klepto. Then, in "Mystery in the Missing Morons," Mel must locate a kidnapped movie audience whose only transgression was talking too loudy. Finally, in "Silence of the Lame," Mel uncovers the kidnapped loudmouths and discovers the sinister presence behind their abduction.
The laugh-a-mall-minute comic is in beautiful black-and-white and is created by Walt Jaschek [script and layouts] and Don Secease [art and character designs.] It will be mailed right to your home or mall. Purchase @ http://cgi.ebay.com/MALL-C
Or download the pdf for free at http://www.lulu.com/conten
"Ugly Incident on Level 44" pits Mel against his soon-to-be-arch-enemy, the teen-age thief called Klepto. Then, in "Mystery in the Missing Morons," Mel must locate a kidnapped movie audience whose only transgression was talking too loudy. Finally, in "Silence of the Lame," Mel uncovers the kidnapped loudmouths and discovers the sinister presence behind their abduction.
The laugh-a-mall-minute comic is in beautiful black-and-white and is created by Walt Jaschek [script and layouts] and Don Secease [art and character designs.] It will be mailed right to your home or mall. Purchase @ http://cgi.ebay.com/MALL-C
Or download the pdf for free at http://www.lulu.com/conten
