Ive come to the conclusion that there is way to much crap in my life that I just dont need. So ive adapted a philosophy held by a number of other people- particularly people with clean homes... I think that a lot of money problems and cleanliness issues could be solved with a simple philosophy and of course one must apply that philosophy. think about it- philosophies are our outlook on life, so if we develop in ourselves an outlook that addresses our problems... then i think thats an effective way to deal with the problems themselves. the basic idea for me is that there are too many optimistic ideas running rampant pretending to be fuzzy ideals in this world. I know that when i go into a store or Heaven forbid a garage sale- I end up with way more crap than i need because i just keep telling myself- oo i could use this here or there or i might need this later. BAH later? no. just no. life is about the now. true you need to plan and pay attention to the future, but absent possiblities are a sad thing to bank on. If you have an idea that you plan to put in motion then fine, but dont just buy crap because you might use it later. thats a waste of money, space, and most importantly my patience. heres the deal in my family. when we go to the grocery store it is an easy generalization to say that we fill the cart with those ideas... those i might use this laters. What do we have as a result of that? a fridge full of crap that we wont eat. oh and theres my personal favorite. putting things back in the fridge. ok so we have old grapes < green ones i wont eat EVER so its kinda redonk as one evan menzies would say> but we just put them back in because someone might eat them later... well considering i wouldnt eat them for a reason- why the HELL would someone else eat those nasty things? questions i ask myself. ok this note is too all over the place... i need structure.

~ Those ideas are the reason i dont want a big house. My sister and I were talking about this and id wager she is probably the only one who will read this anywho- i write them for myself regardless of that fact, having it online is just another way to keep myself accountable to what i say. back to the story. we were in the Central West End, which is this really comfortable and pleasant part of town with wealthy homes and shops run by actual people, not just companies (does anyone understand that feeling? you know, Wal-mart versus Pike's Market) Nice part of town you see. There was some construction going on with a nice home and we both were saying that it was a NICE home but neither of us would want to live there. We live in a relatively large house as it is, and from that experience neither of us want one. the fact is- its way too much space and we find a way to fill it- with crap. not only do we fill it with crap, but its so big that we dont want to clean it... so we dont. OH GOD DELIVER ME.
~~ heres something else for you to understand about me. I like clean. I like nice. these are big contributing factors to why ive been adapting/ developing these ideas. I HATE my house. It is dirty and there is tension and ahhh. I love my family dont get me wrong, but holy frik when people think oh 'im too busy to wash out that coffee cup or are just too lazy to put food away- or throw it away- EVERYONE suffers. its rediculous, you cant exactly attack people for these thing (regardless of how much i would like to) so it really makes the whole ordeal tough.
*** really the whole point of this note is to say that I like nice things, and the only healthy way to achieve them is to aviod packing in all the extra junk of life- same goes with the other avenues of life. one can have tons of "friends" but unless you really put time into some of them, your gonna burn out. we have more cars than we have people, but only a few of them are actually worth driving- they smell, they look like crap and yea.

- wow this note makes us sound like white trash- trust me were not, but there is a horrible sense of team in my family. so yea, its good to know that my life is my own, and that i need to make my own choices. I want to. That is a huge reason why college has been so good for me. I have learned how to live with other people (non-blood relation) in a close setting (at least to a point) and its been a very good and healthy thing... not always easy but DEFINATELY good.

well i love anyone who actually got through this, and Im doing my part to be open and honest to those who actually want to fight to have it. those are qualities i really respect and its something i hope i never stop fighting for. if i do- id better be dead. Asalam alaykum

I dont know why I feel that facebook is the medium for expressing this, but i guess this is as good a place as any to talk about Ish.

I've been doing alot of thinking about Love lately ( OOO TANGENT) and not just any kind of love either.

I know tons of people say this (specially in christian circles) but the Heebs had a good thing going with the different types of love... distinction is key.

So love right- But more the context of "Love your neighbor as yourself and all that."

- yes i realize this sounds really cheap and bull *ish, but bear with me.

Genuinely being able to Love and care for people is not an easy thing for me. Dont get me wrong, its really easy for me to socialize and all that, but I dont actually care about most people. Its a sad thing. Yes its a choice, but I dont fully understand how to get my head around it. Its not just something you say "yes" to... HOW is the question im dealing with now. But heres the kicker... and why this all relates to easter.

For me easter has largely been like christmas (that other christian holiday)... another excuse for candy. But there is a reason behind it and they always try to communicate that at church around these times... then there are the C& E christians as I call 'em (christmas and easter) that feel like going to church in itself is something special, and that christmas and easter are EXTRA special... BAH. The reason makes sense on a certain level, but it never hits home on the level that matters- not really: not for me.

I know that God loves me, and loves all of us- hence the crucifixion and not widespread smitings- that would be my course of action atm... heh. probably why Islam is such an attractive system- but that would be another conversation entirely- a very long one. Back to lovinz... no- love; lovinz is more like snuggling. So what I dont know is the "WHY?" God loves me... loves you... loves the assholes that I cant stand and refuse to see past the faults of... and I still cant figure out why. Its something im just starting to look for. its the idea that has turned the hearts of so many amazing and REAL christians to what they are that i cant even express how much I want to find this. This is what creates that community that I read about in Blue Like Jazz- makes leaders worth following and if there is a key to life, i think that this is it.

I think back to thank you for smoking fantastic movie btw... and Nick Naylor is talking about why he wont carry around a gun... because he is a man of the people. in some sense nick loves everyone in his glorious nation (propaganda eh? eh? CIA? recruit me?) that is something that comes along with the love im talking about, he can look past the obvious crap that I focus on.

Im honestly a lot like our now deceased cat Fuzzy... He was a mean old bastard all of his life, until the end when he learned how to accept and give love right. I can give love and take it on a certain level, but im still really defensive. people dont really get to a point where im completely vulnerable with them- ever. they may know secrets, Ive gone on streaks and shizzle, but none of that matters because I have no personal inhibition and I can tough it out. thats the problem, or one of them. ive spent so much of my life and time honing myself to be able to take on the world. i cant fight decently, i can argue better than most, and there isnt really anything anyone can do or say that will wrend my world. its good and bad. it is really irritating to me when I see people torn apart by something that has happened to them, even when its stuff that deserves it, like loosing someone close to them. THAT is sad to me. Im really a sensitive person, or at least I have a sensitive personality and the potential to find that love. I live up to my name I suppose- i am the rock. But I dont want to just be another rock that the river flows over and makes smooth. I want to serve a purpose and do what God wants me to do- i dunno be a cornerstone for a castle. what does that mean? im not sure, but I know that part of it starts with "love your neighbor."

-I really write these notes for myself, this isnt an answer that will just simply come, but I put them up so that anyone who is a part of my life can see where I am at. This is my gesture to show that what I say is what I want.

I'm not usually given to blogging, but i just got done watching a few clips about a holocaust survivor and it seemed like something worth mentioning here because it is a conversation that I don't often get to have... I like to watch Holocaust movies for many reasons, but one of the most important being because it reminds me of what i do have and what i don't have. I do have a hot cup of green tea, the ability to go out and get more tea when i run out, and I also have this computer that connects me to anyone who might by chance read this. What i don't have is a hard life. I know that there is drama and there are difficulties, but in the end i have a very simple and easy life even by North American standards. All I have to do is get up and go to school, I worry about so much more than that: papers to write, work to do, how much money is on my bloody food-card and whatever else but honestly that is absolutely nothing compared to what could be happening.
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it really makes me sad when i think about how much of our lives are taken care of for us. Even in a bad home, we have so much freedom to change our circumstances because those trails have for the most part already been blazed. I think back over the summers i have had these past few years and how bored I was because there was nothing I HAD to do. there were things i could do. there were things that would be good to do. but nothing that was necessary really. I read, jogged, played the violin and put more time into a video-game than I ever thought possible <'cept for those REALLY devout personages... which we either call H-core or freakin' nerdy depending on how much we like them =)> Lord i need a job. NOW I want a job. More than just because of money, but because it gives me a direction and something to pursue. I guess thats why i like gardening...
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My dad always stops when he sees a lemonade stand on the side of the road run by little kids. I never really understood why, i know he had his reasons, and i "understood" you know the whole, hes a nice person B*S that you convince yourself to believe... But i think i finally have it, and if I dont thats ok cause i like my reason better heheh.
I am in a class on Islamic culture this semester and from what we have learned there are five pillars to Islam <or more if you get into the sects/ branches (i hear calling a branch a sect will get you into some trouble)> one of the pillars ive been paying attention to the most is Zakat which is charity. Every muslim basically has to give a tithe of 2.5%- pretty nice eh? if you look at it from the viewpoint of- this is something that I do because of the belief system i belong to then it rocks. but the point im trying to get at is the overall idea of Zakat and charity- living the life of Zakat. This is a life where you give because you want to use your money in a way that honours God and shows the world and the community you are in how much you are willing to invest in them. How much you are willing to Fight for them and to look to their best interest. What big deal is a lemoned stand with lemonade that costs a grand total of 50 cents or whatever? you cant even buy chips for 50 cents anymore. Like so many things though, it is the idea behind it that is important. A lemonade stand was the starting point for many of the greatest minds of business today. Rholf de Roos, my favourite author on real-estate ( great ideas, but also one of the few ive actually read, but not the point) started out selling candy on the beach-- same kinda deal. The lemonade stand is where many kids developed some ideas. this is money that we EARNED- in a society with allowances where money is given to us. im not going to whine about not having allowance because im glad i didnt, i learned more from it. all of this is a long way to say that it is important to be investing in the people and families around us and connected to us, because that is the world we live in and as a result should care about it. We have the opportunities and power to do this. We are not slaves or prisoners and I think it is important that we remember that because I see it in my own life.
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