Jesus Christ, Superfrog: An Idea Whose Time Will Never Come BUT COME ON IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME

April 29, 2011 at 11:02am

Hello, Bacefook types! It is I, your lovable furry pal, Glen. 

 

(I'm not furry.) 

 

(Lovable's pretty much up in the air, too.) 

 

Years ago, my college roommate Adam and I, after a long night of ... ah ... watching Muppet Show reruns, sketched out an idea that proceeded to obsess us for years. A simple formula for Big, Mind-Melting Awesomeness that made Fermat's Last Theorem look like a pile of puke:

 

Jim Henson + Andrew Lloyd Weber  = JESUS CHRIST, SUPERFROG

 

We came up with a cast list, watched Jesus Christ Superstar, tweaked the cast list, watched a Muppet Show, tweaked it again, and then basked in the warm glow of what we had created. In our zeal, over the next few months we imagined each shot, acted out each song in our best, Muppety voices; we choreographed the whole show -- adding, to the end of each musical nubmer, that all important and quintessentially Muppety everyone-nods-at-everyone-else thing. 

 

It was glorious. 

 

We ached for this thing to happen, let me tell you, but we had no illusions. I wrote to the then-still-living Jim Henson, acknowledging the many legal barriers that stood in the way (especially considering we'd brought in some Sesame Street characters, which just compounded the complications) but pleading with him to acknowledge how amazing, how wonderful, how AWESOME it would be.

 

Never heard back. Nothing. No "thanks for writing," no "Here's a signed photo of Robin being annoying," nothing. 

 

Years passed, and the ache in my heart lessened. I hadn't intended to mention it on the podcast -- I'd pretty much forgotten about it -- but then it came up during the adaptation discussion.  And because I hadn't thought about it in years, I got some of the cast list wrong. 

 

So here, then, is our original cast list.

 

I SWEAR to you, if you listen to the album/watch the songs on Youtube with this cast list in mind, IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE. And you will be filled with this burning desire to see it happen. 

 

Which it never will.

 

Balls.

 

CAST LIST:

 

Jesus H. Christ --- Kermit T. Frog  

(Picture it! Kermit in the garden! Accompanying himself on the banjo!)

 

<p>God, thy will is hard, </p><p>But you hold every card. </p><p>I will drink your cup of poison. </p><p>Nail me to your cross and break me, </p><p>Bleed me, beat me, </p><p>Kill me. </p><p>Take me, now! </p>Before I change my mind.

 

 

Judas Iscariot -- Fozzie Bear

(Do I need to mention he fashions the noose out of his big polka-dot tie? I don't, right?)

 

Now if I help you, it matters that you see 

These sordid kinda things are coming hard to me. 

<p>(Wokka wokka.)</p><p>It's taken me some time to work out what to do. </p><p>I weighed the whole thing out before I came to you. </p><p>I have no thought at all about my own reward. </p><p>I really didn't come here of my own accord. </p>Just don't! 

Say I'm!

Damned for! 

All time!

 

Mary Magdalene - Piggy

(I like Linda's idea of Janice, which'd capture the hippie angle, but, really.)

 

"Iiiiiiiiiii don't know how to loooOOOooove hiiiiiiiiim...."

 

Pontius Pilate - Count Von Count

(The dude in the movie even looked like him! Same hair!)

 

 

I see no reason. I find no evil. 

This man is harmless, so why does he upset you? 

He's just misguided, thinks he's important, 

But to keep you vultures happy I shall flog him.

(MOB: Crucify him! Crucify him!) 

One lash! Two lashes! Three lashes! (Thunder, lighting) Ah-ah-ah!

 

(Note that Pilate ends the song with this:)

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE, if you want to, you innocent puppet! (1. Emphasis very, very mine, and 2. COME ON.)

 

High Priest Caiphas - Bert  

(Imagine this in Bert's monotone:) 

 

 

Fools, you have no perception. 

The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high. 

We must crush him completely, 

So like John before him, this Jesus must die. 

For the sake of the nation, this Jesus must die.

 

High Priest Annas - Ernie

(Picture him doing that muppetty, loping, head tilty thing as he sings:)

 

 

What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? 

Miracle wonderman, hero of fools.

 

Apostle Simon - Scooter

(His robe is just a really long satin bowling jacket.) 

 

<p>There must be over fifty thousand </p><p>Screaming love and more for you. </p><p>And everyone of fifty thousand </p><p>Would do whatever you asked them to. </p><p>Keep them yelling their devotion, </p><p>But add a touch of hate at Rome. </p><p>You will rise to a greater power. </p>We will win ourselves a home. 

 

Apostle Peter --  Robin

(No-brainer, given the text.)

 

 

PETER 

I tell you I was never with him.

 

OLD MAN (Note: I'm thinking Statler, here, probably.)

But I saw you, too. 

He looked just like you. (Emphasis mine.)

 

PETER 

I don't know him!

 

King Herod - Link Hogthrob (unless the pork thing proves controversial, in which case: Gonzo)

(Actually, Gonzo'd probably work better, if only because he'd bring his own chorus of sexy background chickens.)

 

<p>So, you are the Christ, you're the great Jesus Christ. </p><p>Prove to me that you're divine; change my water into wine. </p><p>That's all you need do, then I'll know it's all true. </p>Come on, King of the Jews.

 

COME ON. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

Trey says: Sometimes the interwebs provide exactly the photo you thought couldn't possibly exist.

Trey says: Sometimes the interwebs provide exactly the photo you thought couldn't possibly exist.