Master Mouse Patrol

I’d like to give you my recipe for hummus. I learnt this recipe in my first summer out of school, working at a vineyard. It was a great summer, one of those ones where it was sunny every day, the boys were good looking, wine was aplenty (obviously) and I was cruising round with my best friend. ...

Its journey has involved three Cuban orphans, a Polish Opera singer, a devious but undeniably handsome Ukrainian midget and a Qantas staff member from Bahrain named Papsmear.

I simply do not understand why people do it. I know, I serve coffee, but that doesn’t mean I’m some sort of sub-human. So why is it that some people show so little manners it appears as though they think I am.

Luther is grumpy today. I feel like having a rant. And I’m going to start with Fergie. I hate that bitch. Come on, she named her album Fergilicious for fucks sake. What a tool.

I had my first proper weekend away in the sun this past few days – sad, I know – and just grabbed the sunblock nearest to me when I left the house. This happened to be Hissyfit’s Body Double, and it’s ...

Does anyone have a phone number for any of these babes? I need a date for a dinner on new years eve. I think one of these "brabes" would suit me nicely. Many thanks, Sonny.

Now, if I may, I’d like to tell you a little something about my Gran. Gran was a beautiful woman who never let the truth get in the way of a good story. She was artistic, clever, cheeky and wise. And ...

Some of SBW's favourite articles...

We vow to smoke less cigarettes, drink less beer, eat less cheese, read more books, learn Norwegian, stop being a slut, run a marathon and so on.

I hope that a mob of Jamaicans break into Watson's home and beat him senseless, die his hair orange and piss on his face.

Sometimes (a lot of the time) others can say things better than myself. So please read on to hear what Helene Ravlich has to say about the website ReelFilm.co.nz which launched last month...

This is the final fling for 2009. What a treat it has been. We look forward to seeing what 2010 offers us... A reminder that our favourite looklalikes will be featuring in our magazine next year. Feel free to vote for your favourite by commenting or emailing feedback@mastermousepatrol.com