Cooking for A**holes

The other morning my lady and I went to our favorite local breakfast spot, Gravy on Mississippi Street. They serve absurdly large portions so we returned home with an abundance of smoked salmon hash. "Does that shit get you high?" Don't be a fucking idiot. You know the difference, jackass...

So I made these crappy pieces of shit for lunch today and they were pretty darn good. They were also really easy which is why I am giving you the recipe. I actually think you are capable of making them unlike everything else which is way over your head (including fucking pancakes)...

Sauvie Island is just north of Portland out highway 30 and is a great weekend getaway for families and couples...

Okay you dumb fuckers. Since my woman and baby went to visit a friend for the evening I was left to my own devices. "What did you do?" I went to my local speakeasy and got loaded, dumbass. What the hell else would I do...

So I made this a few nights ago but I figured you idiots don't give a shit and want to hear about it anyway no matter how mundane. I found this wild boar sausage at a local market and it was super badass. I just cooked it up and had some bread and mustard with it...

My lady and I had some neighbor friends come over for dinner the other night and during our urbane and sophisticated conversation they informed me of a local market that carries unique and bizarre sausages...

My woman is playing nurse at a girlfriend's house who was in recent car accident and she called to say it would be a little longer so I figured I would take the baby for a beer run in her wagon. I just can't wait another hour to start drinking...

When I went on my beer run with the baby today I also picked up this bad boy. Bridgeport is a staple in Portland and recently they have come out with some kick ass seasonals and limited releases...

A fellow bartender once told me that when you see bubbles on the side of a glass (as seen below), it should tell you your glasses are not being cleaned properly. I told him he was full of shit and to pull his head out of his ass. Now I have empirical evidence he was right...

This morning I got my usual 12oz coffee with four shots of espresso and all of a sudden I had an unusual hankering for some pancakes. Normally I either skip breakfast or just have bacon but today I desired something different...

This is the burger to end all burgers. Most people (i.e. idiots) dress up their patties with all sorts of crap to mask the lower class flavor of Grocery Outlet ground beef. Not me. I buy premium beef and intentionally leave it unadulterated. Let the condiments compliment the meat, not overwhelm it...

Today my lady and I took the tax deduction on a wagon ride to get something for lunch at the local market. My lady immediately heads to the sandwich counter and orders some shitty falafal burger like a rookie. I, on the other hand, head to the meat department like a seasoned veteran...

That's fucking right you assholes! I came back with a fucking beer review. Don't like it? Suck my balls. You will be getting plenty more cooking shit but for the time being I think I will make you suffer like domestic abuse victims (Don't take that the wrong way baby. I didn't mean it...

I have been deathly ill for the last week with what I can only assume is swine flu and I am still not completely better. I think I caught it at the less-than-respectable Safeway where I go to purchase particular items no one else carries (e.g. crawfish)...