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- Founded:
- to make sure that no athlete ever does anything without being made fun of immediately.
DETROIT, MI—Flushed with excitement after his team’s 2-1 victory over the Red Wings Friday night, Sidney Crosby joyously removed the small wax beard and mustache that he had been wearing for the past two months...
PITTSBURGH, PA — Given that his Pittsburgh Penguins have won the NHL championship and reclaimed the Stanley Cup, one would think that Sidney Crosby would be pretty happy these days. One would be wrong. “I feel pretty good about winning the Stanley Cup,” Crosby said...
Follow SSNN on Twitter! KINGSBURY, NY—Local 12-year-olds Howard Harrison and Damien Shingwel announced today their disappointment that this year’s much-anticipated, much-hyped potential NBA Finals matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers would not come to fruition...
HATTIESBURG, MS — After a disappointing run with the New York Jets in 2008, retired quarterback Brett Favre is flirting with the Minnesota Vikings in an attempt to resurrect his once great career of screwing around with the minds of NFL fans...
LOS ANGELES — Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league’s substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he’s been injecting himself with various fruit juices over the last several months...
WASHINGTON, DC — Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, and all of a sudden, Sidney Crosby’s vagina started to hurt so bad. “All of a sudden, it was like my vagina
Follow SSNN on Twitter! NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr...
NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, where he plans to join up with a CFL team in the hopes of avoiding his commitment to the Lions...
WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of a fourth Pirate, namely pitcher Zach Duke, after an ill-timed complete game by the pitcher hurt Obama’s fantasy team...
WASHINGTON, DC — The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an 89-72 win in the NCAA tournament final Monday night against t
NEW YORK — Fresh off his revelation last week that Yankees ticket prices are too high, Hal Steinbrenner dropped another bombshell this week, indicating that he has also surmised that Derek Jeter probably has picked up a lot of women in his lifetime...
DETROIT, MI–President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety of last season in Single-A. “Rick has shown me a lot this spring,” Obama said...
COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a move not seen since Roberto Clemente’s posthumous induction in 1973, the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York waived its customary five-year waiting period earlier today and elected Curt Schillings’ blog 38pitches into its hallowed halls...
Miami, FL — Government agencies along the East Coast of the United States have reported a previously uncharted seismic occurrence...
KANSAS CITY, MO — The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at a tremendous discount due to his friendship with Scott Pioli, the Chiefs’ GM...
LOS ANGELES, CA—Fresh off of his rejection of the Dodgers’ latest contract extension, Manny Ramirez released a statement through his agent Scott Boras on Monday, in which the twelve-time all-star laid out his explanation for why the money he is requesting will not be a waste of valuable...
JUPITER, FL — Less than a month after giving birth to the family’s second child, Charlie Axel Woods, a furious Elin Nordegren has announced she’s filing for divorce from her husband, Tiger Woods, following the golfer’s 4 and 2 loss to Tim Clarke in the Accenture Match Play Championship’s...
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA — In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN’s Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game...
WASHINGTON, DC — Jose Rijo vehemently denied any involvement with an age scandal that is rocking Major League Baseball and the Washington Nationals...
LAS VEGAS, NV – Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the wind...
TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years...
MILWAUKEE, WI — The Milwaukee Brewers proudly announced that they have found a role for Trevor Hoffman on their club. “Yeah, that was a biggie, finding a way to get Trevor involved,” said manager Ken Macha. “We knew we weren’t gonna have him close games — he’s like 100 years old...
NEW YORK — Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming “Where the hell is Ashton?!” over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed that the entire NFL playoffs were rigged by Ashton Kutcher as an episode for his television series...
NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his tenure with the Texas Rangers has revealed that over 76 percent of American sports fans are still laboring under the...
NEW YORK, NY - Following an announcement earlier that Brett Favre has officially retired from the New York Jets, he released a statement citing that he is also retiring from the other 30 NFL teams he has yet to play for...
SAN DIEGO, CA — Tiger Woods’ two-day old son Charlie Axel Woods was granted a PGA tour card for the 2009 season after the newborn shot a 67 at Torrey Pines Golf Course to complete qualifying school...
MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Things are awkward at DataTech Systems this morning, as Charlie Zimmer is seething mad at all of his co-workers. “What can I say,” Zimmer said. “I work with a bunch of assholes. Not a single one of them showed up for my Pro Bowl party yesterday afternoon...
KNOXVILLE, TN — The Lane Kiffin era in Tennessee is off to a better start than ever hoped, with the results of the conference’s annual Preseason Douchebag Coach Poll being released...
LUBBOCK, TX—NFL prospect Michael Crabtree is 100 percent certain that with the Detroit Lions holding the number one pick in the 2009 NFL draft, he, as the number one receiver in the aforementioned draft, will naturally be chosen to be the next wide receiver in a long line of poor draft choices...
CHARLESTON, SC — Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also killing an unarmed elderly man when he recognized Phelps...
BALTIMORE, MD — An apologetic Michael Phelps has announced that he’s going to win 15 gold medals at the Lo
PHIL MICKELSON’S BEDROOM, N.C...
LOS ANGELES, CA—No one is safe from economic hardships these days, not even the multi-billion dollar sports industry...
TAMPA BAY, FL—Last night’s exciting Super Bowl finish, involving two lead changes in the last three minutes, is part of a growing trend that some in America are calling worrisome: Super Bowls that are actually exciting to watch. “I’m concerned,” admitted local woman Trish Hamsted...
TAMPA BAY, FL—As recently reported by your humble correspondents at SSNN, Yankees ace and gigantic Bruce Springsteen fan CC Sabathia has been waiting in heightened anticipation for Springsteen’s halftime performance at the Super Bowl later tonight...
TAMPA BAY, FL — Millions of Americans are reeling right now after they’ve found out that Bruce Springsteen will not be able to perform at halftime of the Super Bowl, after the crooner was attacked and eaten by Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia...
TAMPA BAY, FL—Like much of America, Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia is looking forward to tomorrow’s Super Bowl...
WASHINGTON, DC — President and number one sports fan Barack Obama has bet the future of the trillion dollar economic stimulus plan on the outcome of this weekend’s Super Bowl between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals. “John McCain and I have a wager,” Obama said...
HEAVEN — God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more. The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for their constant praising of Him in the run up to the Super Bowl. ...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Barack Obama’s Tuesday inauguration as America’s first African-American president, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has had to come to some tough realizations...
NEW YORK — Citing that “el saber de otra lengua es un cualidad de lanzadores muy buenos,” Ben Sheets announced today he is desperately trying to learn Spanish in hopes of being signed by Omar Minaya...
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