The Sloppy Dog

Right, we’ve not had a lot time for much in the way of album reviews, telly reviews or even rants for the ‘ump column, so here’s a quick round-up: Weezer’s Raditude is good but gimmicky; The Restaurant is less awesome when cut in half; June Sarpong and Derek Acorah are completely fuckwits; utterly bored of Jedward; Wispa Gold rules. We have, however, managed to throw together some Single Reviews...

We begin with a woman whose career gets more and more irrelevant with each single she releases. Britney Spears, who we can barely remember being a fantastic popstar since her metamorphosis into a dead-eyed bulimic Slitheen channelling the spirit of Jade Goody by way of Joy from My Name Is Earl, gives us 3, a faceless bit of twiddling and vocoding and gyrating so bereft of character its existence barely even registers.

Leona Lewis is next, boring the globe to the point of collective suicide with the Ryan-Tedder-by-numbers predictafest Happy. She should really steer clear of titles which imply the expression of any kind of emotion – happy, sad, angry, surprised, confused, horny, knackered, murderous. Hell, this dreary moose would even have difficulty conveying a song entitled Indifferent. Move along, dear, we’ve got Alexandra now.

Meanwhile, a brand new offering from The Boy Least Likely To has us squeeing like four dozen JLS fans at a glimpse of Aston’s waistband. We’ll admit it’s difficult to be objective when it comes to The Boy Least Likely To, as they could pretty much fart a tune Terrance-and-Phillip-style and we’d still find a good point, but The Summer of a Dormouse stands up on its own merits. As the title would suggest, it’s a gentle, summery bossa nova pop lullaby, underlining this band’s greatness fully.

Single of the Week, however, is credited to the Stereophonics, who continue to exceed their own high points with the lead single from new album Keep Calm & Carry On. Just as A Thousand Trees was overtaken by Handbags & Gladrags, in turn trumped by Dakota, the pattern continues with Innocent, a commanding, anthemic indie classic. It may not be cool enough for Radio 1, but then, these are the people who put Fearne Cotton on air for 15 hours a week.

And finally, for what’s actually the first (and probably the last) time, we put the all-new Sugababes under the microscope, though we much prefer their new moniker of Splendababes, given the lack of real Suga within the band. About A Girl is RedOne at his laziest, is dominated by the far-too-good-for-this Jade Ewen, and frankly proves Keisha couldn’t have been pushed at a better time. The quicker the originals get their shit together, the better.

Hey people – before we crack on, we’ll point out that we’re hugely flattered (aw shucks, you guys, etc) by the numerous requests for further X Factor liveblogs. However, the Sloppy Dog social calendar dictates the next one shall be on November 14th, so we shall see you then. In the meantime, you can take pleasure in the slightly-less frenetic Single Reviews...

We turn our attention first to Beyoncé (a method employed by Mathew Knowles throughout the lifespan of Destiny’s Child, funnily enough) with the no-holds-barred Broken-Hearted Girl. An out-and-out weepy in sonnet form, it’s by no means her best ballad, but it’s interesting to see a more raw, human Beyoncé rather than the usual presentation of an untouchable diva swathed in gloss.

The current fondness for 80s influences continues into pastiche territory courtesy of Julian Casablancas. In fairness, 11th Dimension mightn’t sound so trite had the entire concept not already been raped and murdered by the likes of RedOne, as beneath the synth chestnuts lurks the same inventiveness, the same talent and the same ear for melody responsible for The Strokes’ greatest moments.

Fair play, then, to JLS, who circumvent the aforementioned 80s bandwagon and stop off at the mid 90s, albeit with some iffy results. The commonplace dripfest Everybody In Love channels the lacklustre R&B we thought we’d long seen the back of, but evidently 3T, SWV and MN8 live on, with JLS not only taking the baton of silly acronyms, but of watery, irrelevant swingbeat too. After Beat Again, this is a sore disappointment.

And finally, we reach our Single of the Week, which is gifted to Pink for the standout track from her Funhouse album. We’ll overlook the hideous video which looks as though it was shot on an early cameraphone to enjoy the simple charms of I Don’t Believe You, which, much like Beyoncé earlier, sees a stripped-down, sincere version of Pink that truly accentuates a gargantuan talent.

If you’re wondering where last week’s Single Reviews were, unfortunately there were no suitable tracks deserving of a Single of the Week title. Seriously, that’s the truth – not just a ‘we couldn’t be bollocksed’ cover-up. So we’ve chosen instead to do a mash-up this week of current new releases and a selection of next week’s offerings. Behold, an’ ting.

Thankfully, we’ve come across something just about commendable enough to scoop the aforementioned title. Single of the Week is awarded to Snow Patrol, who pre-empt their Best Of with the twinkly ballad Just Say Yes. Originally written for Nicole Shitsinger’s thankfully-doomed solo album, Snow Patrol have snatched it back, given it a reworking and done a rather impressive job. And while we never heard ol’ Chief Alleycat’s version, it’s safe to say it would’ve sucked donkey cock.

Next up, a collective of randoms going under the name Young Soul Rebels churn out a sub-Band Aid 20 adaptation of All These Things That I’ve Done, renamed I Got Soul. We know it’s for charity. We know it’s raising both money and awareness for a particularly worthy cause. But Christ on a bike, this shit is fucking abysmal. Chimpunk; Pixie Lott; N-Dubz; Egypt and her unfortunate nose... it’s like a rundown of new acts that should have failed miserably. And, ironically, poor ol’ VV Brown.

Her Supposed Royal Super-Amazingness & High Priestess of Everything Ever, otherwise known as Cheryl Tweedy (otherwise known as Cheryl Cole) releases her debut solo track, to a surprisingly warm reception. Aside from being a simple, mildly-catchy pop ditty, there’s little to say about Fight For This Love. It feels rather like Not Such An Innocent Girl 2.0, all things considered, though its success may soon dispel that.

And finally, a girl group who almost insinuate where Girls Aloud might’ve gone had they continued down the road of No Good Advice. Alas, we’ll never fully know, but Dolly Rockers’ second submission also doubles up as an apology for their rather ropey first single. Boys Will Be Boys is a lively, electro-effective, character-packed trip through a world of smudged mascara and vodka jelly shots, which shits all over the current Sugababes from a heady height.