The Spotted Owl

NEW YORK (TSO) - As millions of Americans honor the men and women who have died in the service of the United States on this Memorial Day, Keith Olbermann will apologize to Germany and Japan for their defeat at the hands of the U.S.

Spotted Owl News has learned the pundit will spend the day enjoying the freedom and opportunity guaranteed by the lives of American soldiers by apologizing for their “brutal” victory over Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan.

Olbermann will reportedly link American involvement in WWII with Bush/Cheney policies and formally express regret over the use of such methods as rifles, bullets, destroyers and tanks to defeat threats to liberty.

Meanwhile, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews will reportedly worship Obama in a special altar he built by hand.

WASHINGTON (TSO) - Under increasing pressure following her inconsistent and incoherent explanations regarding her knowledge of the show’s enhanced audition techniques, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi abstained from voting in the American Idol finale.

As 48 billion people watched Adam Lambert and Kris Allen musically duke it out, Speaker Pelosi resisted the temptation to text her vote for whom she wanted to win.

Spotted Owl News has learned the Speaker felt her knowledge, which she may or may not have, of the harsh audition techniques used by the show would give legitimacy to the process begun under the Bush administration.

Privately, sources tell Spotted Owl News Pelosi was leaning heavily toward Adam Lambert, but wishes the “nutty girl” had survived until the finale.

SACRAMENTO (TSO) - As Californians vote today on a host of ballot measures designed to lift the state from the brink of financial disaster, Governor Schwarzenegger, anticipating the defeat of the measures, is preparing to lift the entire state with his muscles .

“I can do it,” promised the former bodybuilding champion.  “My muscles are large enough to lift California and all the girly mens and puny mountain places on top of her.”

State officials have recently considered innovative strategies for raising revenue, such as selling crack, the Pacific Ocean and actor Sean Penn, but the budget shortfall remains.