The Onion

WASHINGTON—Attendance may be down, but the fans at last week's game didn't care—they were too busy enjoying the stadium's new Fuck-Cam.

In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.

PAWTUCKET, RI—All fools must one day learn, that we will all be a few letters short of spelling H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, said the embittered CEO.

Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.

WASHINGTON—The FBI has advised Americans to steel themselves for the grisly details of a big group of weirdos knocking themselves off in a bizarre fashion.

PINE MEADOW, CA—Ed Swaney discovered a golden-fingernailed appendage in his E.L. Fudge cookies Sunday.

SIOUX FALLS, SD—IHOP has grown weak on powdered sugar and fruity garnishes, forsaking the purity of its original mission, said Lyman, a onetime regular customer.

Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning, said Baumer, referring to the tea named after a guy who ran around England in a wig and fruity tights.

ST. CHARLES, MO—A fine chip can be worth years of waiting, said Nathan Sterken, whose refined palate allows him to appreciate flavors like flamin' hot and salt.

LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12....

CHARLOTTE, NC—Coworkers knew James Atkins had become a virtuoso of business jargon when he asked the group to participate in a targeted brainstorm by EOD.

The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.

Okay, people. You are not going to believe why I'm late today. Sheila? Come on in here. Sorry about this, but you gotta get in here. Shondra? Harold? Can you hear me over there? Maybe you should move a little closer. ...