Hyphothetical question time. What if you were a magically sentient wooden puppet? And what if whenever you told a lie, your magically sentient wooden nose would grow suddenly? And what if you suddenly were confronted by a gang of bloodsucking vampires, and you needed to snap off a shank of magically sentient wooden nose to kill the undead? Hypothetically speaking, what lie would you tell?

If you can come up with a funny, creative lie, you could win some serious swag from the upcoming Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer graphic novel. The book, created by Dustin Higgins and Van Jensen, will be released by SLG Publishing on Sept. 30. All you have to do is post your best lie below or send one by e-mail to pinocchiovampireslayer@gmail.com. All entries must be received by Sept. 23.

The best lie, as chosen by Dustin and Van, will receive a signed copy of the book and a page of Dustin's original artwork. Two runners up will both receive signed copies of the book.

Mark Twain may have said "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes," but it can also help rid the world of vampires. So get creative! Get hypothetical! Get lying!

Disclaimer: The creators of Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer are not liable if a submitted lie appears in the current or any future Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer book. Dozens of lies appear in the book, and any submitted lie matching one in the book is purely coincidental.

One time, I saw a mosquito so big that another mosquito was on its back, sucking its blood. And then a tick the size of a pomeranian puppy came along, opened it's mouth real wide, and ate the both of them.

Once, I saw Chuck Norris arm-wrestle a bear and the undead corpse of Abe Lincoln at the same time. Abe Lincoln won, then ate the bear.

It's a quickie, but a good one:

"I totally understood the cultural and personal importance of the ending of Taxi Driver!"

I needed rent money BAD, so I lied to my mother telling her I was getting a great full time job in advertising and that I needed $1500 to survive. It worked, but within a month I was struggling again and this time with only a suitcase in my hand and there was no way in heck I could ask my mom for more money. To do what you want to do sometimes you end up a bit broke, (modeling and many pursuits are not the most stable job in the world,) but you do what you love, help others along, and you are a better person for it.

If I was being approached by vampires?

"Come with me if you want to live"

Hypothetically, what would a magically sentient wooden puppet say in a Vampire comic?

"I did not catch a case of termites from that cute nutcracker Geppetto just carved."

The tried & true parental standard. "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you."

Ha! Great stuff, everyone! Some of these are going to be tough to beat.

Keep 'em coming, and remember to invite all the liars you know.

I liked the new star wars movies.

the watchmen film was totally worth it.

Zombies are still a fresh topic.

I love you. I think you're so beautiful. I won't leave you.

Oh damn! I forgot the qualifiers! (because you died so quickly, scattered as dust on the breeze, and at least until I kill the rest of your family)

"Fee Fi Fo Fum. I smell vampire scum"

Can he really smell through that wooden nose?

"Sean Penn deserved that Oscar for Milk"

"Honey with Jessica Alba was the best movie I've ever seen"

Just thinking about those would both also make me angry enough to be pumped to fight vampires.

Politicians really DO want is best for all of us.

"This nose of mine, it _never_ grows"

"I've never polished my own wood to that scene in 'The Sound of Music' with the marionette dolls and the song 'The Lonely Goatherd'...I swear."

Next frame shows Pino watching it yelling out yodaleyyyy...heee...whoooo! Next frame shows look of release...so to speak. Which turns into the same look that is on his face as/after he is killing a Vampire.

Yodaley hee whoo can even be his John McLain (Die Hard catch phrase...yippie kay yea). A little duel joke action for you.

Love the book idea guys! Good Luck!

UPDATE -- As I'm sure you've heard, the book's release was pushed back to October (trust me, we're as disappointed as you are), so we're delaying the deadline for entering the contest. You now can enter lies until Oct. 15. And if you've already entered one, you can keep entering more. After the 15th, Dustin and I will pick our favorites and name the winner and two runners up!

"I am not disappointed by the delayed release" (this should count as a triple-lie or something)

1) "I want to be a real boy!" :: nose grows, and he grins darkly :: "Who am I kidding? This is too much fun!" :: breaks off stake ::

2) (Scared Vampire) :: hears the click-clack of wooden shoes on pavement :: "Who's there?!"
(Pinocchio) :: appears, his lower half illuminated by a street lamp, his upper half and face obscured by shadows, holding a stake in each hand :: "Me."
(Scared Vampire) [relieved] "Oh. It's me. ...Wait, what?!" :: is stabbed ::

"This is the stupidest idea I've ever seen!"

That should count as, like, a quadruple lie, because it's bloody brilliant.
Um, no pun intended.

http://www.witchonthewater.com

So you're a vampire...I've always had a thing for vampires, they're so suave. You have beautiful eyes, by the way. Have you ever been in a fashion magazine? You look so familiar.

"I just love it when things get pushed back. It instills consumer confidence, makes everyone happy, and it's always worth the wait!" :P

"Man eating sheep are the single scariest things in the world!"

"The X-Box 360 is the single greatest gaming system in the world. Absolutely no bugs, worth every dime, and Microsoft was brilliant for backing the wildly successful HD DVDs over Blu-Ray."

"Wii sounds so much cooler than Nintendo Revolution."

Oh forgot one..

"Wow.. You guys look like wimps compared to those manly sparkling Twilight vampires. I wanna fight those instead!"

I want to survive the vampire slayage so I can retire, move to Branson and stage a variety show.

"Bite me!"

"I've been burned."

I once used the Shroud of Turin to towel off after a long bike ride across Italy. I didn't know it was the Shroud of Turin since it resembled nothing so much as a soiled rag. When I realized what I had done, I panicked and threw it in the wash. But it was so delicate that several pieces actually tore off. Since I am no seamstress, I attempted to staple it back together, but then it looked awful. As I attacked it with the staple remover to undo my mistake, even more fragments were dislodged from the shroud. Now I saw no solution but to glue it all back together. My method of using glue is to fill each hand with a wad of Elmer's the size of a baseball and go at it. And that is what I did. The result was an absolute horror: a lump of sticky, unrecognizable fabric and adhesive. I decided that the only way to salvage it would be to douse it with lighter fluid and burn off the excess glue.

And that is how I burned down the village of Turin.

Comics are stupid.

I tell awesome jokes.

TCU has a terrible football team.

I don't have this graphic novel on my pull list at the comic shop.

I shot a man in Reno...just to watch him die.

My maternal grandfather was a closeted homosexual who played professional football in the late 50s. After a key victory, he and the other closeted gays on his team began the practice of spraying each other from a shaken champagne bottle. This was their secret gesture of solidarity, and it soon spread to gays on other teams. Over the years, the practice was adopted by straight teammates as well. Today in celebratory locker rooms across the land, whenever champagne is sprayed by one man upon another, this homoerotic act is a touching homage to my grandfather and a proud symbol of progress for gays in the National Football League.

I just got off the phone with Congressman Joe Wilson of South Carolina, and he asked me to convey a message to everyone who has posted a comment on this thread. He said, and I quote, "YOU LIE!!"