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“My mother killed herself when I was ten. I don’t even know why-- w...omen are very fucking complex. It took me five years to say it happened at all. My father sent me to one therapy session, and the woman asked me how I was, and I said I was good, and then I went home and didn’t want to go back. So I definitely don’t think I’ve resolved it. I have this way of making it easy for people to not be there for me, just so I can be there for myself. Any little thing can trigger my silence. Maybe I’ll cry in the dark so you can’t see me, but then blame you for not noticing. Then I’ll withdraw from you for not following the step that I didn’t even put out for you to follow. If I’m going to change how I treat people, I think I need to start making an effort to get into my own subconscious. I need to be OK with myself. Which means being OK with the things I don’t think about.” Mehr anzeigen
“I’m trying to start a company while raising a four year old child. ... But my business partner is a mother too, so we’re very supportive of each other. It’s a nice departure from the corporate world-- where I think a lot of new mothers are made to feel like they’re laying their foot off the gas. A lot of it is nonverbal: having work taken away, or not being included on important projects. But I also remember being told that I ‘wasn’t being present’ at work. And that ‘my husband needed to step up.’ My behavior did change when my child was born. But for the better. I became more efficient. For the first time I was able to set limits, and have people recognize them. My limits never seemed valid before. Exhaustion wasn’t valid. Mental health wasn’t valid. But having a child gave me a firm reason to say ‘no.’ It’s not ‘no’ to working harder. It’s ‘no’ to excess. To not redoing something twenty times when you have it on the first try. Or creating thirty proposals because the boss would love to see ‘just one more,’ ‘just one more.’ It’s excess. And it’s almost as bad as doing nothing. Because what is good gets lost in the excess. I don’t have time for it anymore. I have to recognize what’s most important. I don’t have time for endless debate. I have to go straight to the source of the problem, or my kid is going to pee her pants.” Mehr anzeigen
“It was a really toxic relationship. I think she’d agree with that.... We allowed each other to be depressed. We encouraged it, actually- just to increase the dependency. We were together 24/7. Instead of pushing each other to be better, or get help, we just stayed in bed all day long. We skipped our classes. I failed out of school. Occasionally she’d break up with me, and I’d be a mess, then a month later she’d be knocking on my door. And I hate saying it out loud, because she was suffering too, and I don’t want to make her seem like a bad person. But she knew how to pick apart my insecurities. She made me feel manipulative for needing help. She made me feel like a terrible person. Like I just wanted attention. Since I thought she was the only one who really knew me, I figured it must be true. It got to the point where I didn’t feel worthy of being around people who cared about me. So I kept away from my family. Then I took their absence as proof they didn’t care. Eventually I convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me. One night I locked the door of my bedroom, and swallowed an entire bottle of Ambien. A few days later I woke up in the ICU. My whole family was there. My mom told me that if I’d died, she’d never have been able to live with herself. My dad told me that he’d dropped to his knees when he’d learned. I guess that’s what it took to make it finally click. I’d spent so much time convincing myself that nobody cared. If I’d have only stepped out of that relationship, and leaned on those people, I’d have learned how much they did.” Mehr anzeigen












