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September 11th 2013 was by far the worst day of my life, that was the day my journey started.

I woke up like any other day, got dressed and went downstairs, cuc had let me have an extra hour because I was struggling to sleep and was exhausted. Cuc was feeding temari our eldest daughter, I remember asking if Preston was up yet, he told me he hasn't so I asked him to run up and get him. I had liter...ally just sat down when I heard an awful sounding moan, it sounded just like the moans dogs make when they play that makes them sound like some sort of marine mammal, we had 2 dogs so naturally I thought they were messing around for the millionth time, I told them to stop messing around and I don't know why because it couldn't have been mothers instinct because I walked right by Prestons door that morning and didn't know my baby was in that room gone, but in that second my heart dropped, I called 'what?' nothing 'what?' again, still no reply. I instantly felt sick and I got up and ran as fast as I could up the stairs. As I got to the top I saw cuc on his knees in the doorway of Prestons bedroom, cradling him rocking him backwards and forwards, he couldn't breathe, he was choking on tears. In that second I couldn't make sense of anything but I knew my baby was dead, 'do I need to ring and ambulance?' i asked 'yes' he replied so I ran downstairs and grabbed the phone from the dock and dialled '999' as I paced, shaking and screaming the operator answered I cried 'please help me, my babies dead' she asked if I needed the police, fire or ambulance, I didn't know every nerve in my body and head was completely shot so I just cried 'all of them' she told me to take the phone to cuc so she could talk him through infant cpr. I didn't want to see my baby gone but I ran back up anyway, as I walked into my bedroom where cuc had placed Preston on our bed I saw the worst thing any parent can see, their world lifeless and gone. I gave him the phone and collapsed on the landing screaming in unbearable pain. Minutes passed and felt like hours until the police and the ambulance arrived. Cuc will never forget the words the paramedic used 'hes long gone' how insensitive can someone be when they work in a caring profession?

I was escorted downstairs, I stayed there, I let them do their job but every fibre of me was in agony wanting to just be with my baby. I kept looking at the ceiling knowing that my beautiful boy was just above me needing his mummy.

Hours passed into what felt like an eternity, I was asked if I wanted to make arrangements for him to be collected by an undertaker and taken to the hospital, I couldn't do that, I was in no fit state so I asked them to do it but to make sure it was a good one and that they were respectful of him.

My house was sealed, nobody in and nobody out other than the police and paramedics, my family were outside wanting to get in to make sure I was ok, I can't imagine what that felt like for them to hear me screaming in agony and they couldn't do anything.

Finally the undertaker arrived, I closed the door, I couldn't watch them take my baby I just couldn't cope with it.

I remember sitting in the back of a police car watching the world carrying on spinning, I kept asking 'why is it still spinning?' i couldn't get my head around it after all my world had just stopped.

At the hospital we sat in a little room with a door at the far end, my eyes bright red, blood shot and sore but I couldn't take my eyes off of it knowing my baby was just behind it.

When we went in to identify Preston, it was a dimly lit little room, a rocking chair, a moses basket and a little bed where my baby was with his hands next to his head and his little tongue sticking out a little, he looked so peaceful like he was taking a nap. I still didn't believe this was my life now, I thought he would wake up. 'please wake up, if you wake up we can go home' i told him, he didn't wake up. I stroked his hair and told him I love him, I don't know how but when I felt him he felt gone, empty with no energy, that's when I knew it wasn't a dream.

As we sat back in the waiting room I turned to cuc 'what happened to my baby?' i asked 'dont' he replied but I kept pushing for an answer. He explained that he couldn't tell me at home because he knew I couldn't handle it 'it was the cot bumper, I said his name and he didn't wake up so I lifted him and he was stuck in the cot. I had to unwrap it from around his neck twice' he was right to keep it from me, I couldn't cope with that and I completely fell apart, had he of told me straight away I definitely wouldn't be here now.

I hoped and prayed it was a freak accident because I couldn't stand the thought of someone else having been in my shoes but a simple Google search showed we weren't alone, Preston wasn't the first and as much as we tried to tell the world our story to prevent another baby losing their life to a cot bumper but sadly he wasn't the last.

Please share to warn others of the dangers of cot bumpers. Cot bumpers don't need a kite mark, they are not safety tested.

A clear cot is a safe cot, I know that now.

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