They may not speak English too well, but Thai women know how to treat a man. Girls over here look at 1000 baht like a 1000 dollars. Well I cant complain even though I’ve had to cancel my life insurance policy to keep up this lifestyle I don’t care I owe my careless children and fat wife nothing. บาย means bye in Thai hahaha

The expat lifestyle makes you feel like a king. Cheap servants and great food are yours, while you rule over your very own kingdom of filth and random violence. The problem is you normally have to move overseas to experience it, leaving the ex and the kids behind (as much as I'd like to leave those lazy good for nothings sometimes). That's where orientalwives.com really helped me out. It's not quite the same, but Pranpriya takes me back to my time as an expat in Thailand. She makes a delicious satay chicken, and attends to my every whim. Not to mention she's a lot cheaper to keep around than the last wife.

You get to a certain point in life and you realise it's time to splash out a bit and reinvigorate yourself. Some guys go all out, motorbikes, cruises, valium. Me, I like the simpler things. I don't need to do anything crazy to reinvent myself, a night out with my third wife, maybe a hotel and some poker, and I feel 20 years younger.

All these millennials complaining they can't afford a house, they can't afford to start a family, don't get that it's all in saving. I didn't get my first house by pissing away money on yuppie crap like smashed avocado, I worked hard and saved. I didn't get my second wife by wasting my time in cafes, I sorted out my divorce settlement and invested in a trip to Thailand. It all lies in intelligent financial planning.

If I had to give one piece of advice to millennials, it would be don't stress so much. Life throws ups and downs at you and sometimes you just have to take it. I bought my first house on a minimum wage job, I've been divorced twice, and I survived Communism. I bounced back though. The USSR fell, I've still got two houses left over from the divorces, and after Shirley left my I picked up this little hottie during my annual six week trip to Thailand. Not doing too badly for an old fella if I do say so myself. Keep your chin up, don't sit in the corner crying into your smashed avocado (we never used to spend the kind of money kids do these days eating out, no wonder they can't afford houses), things always have a way of working out.

I trekked all the way out to this little village during my holiday in the Philippines thinking I'd be able to help them out a bit by purchasing a wife. Fair to say I was a little shocked when the chieftain said he couldn't sell me this one due to Australian import restrictions on child brides (guess that's another thing the Moslems have ruined for us). Still managed to find a new one to replace Janine, so all in all I'd say it was a good trip.

When I told Frank down at my local that I was thinking about getting one of those Filipino brides, he said to me "Bob, you may as well get a sex doll and a cat. The cat will be happier to see you when you get home from work, and a blow-up girl won't age as quickly". I ended up going to the Philippines for a holiday and I've never been happier: The flights were cheaper than a RealDoll™, and Patricia's enthusiasm for my red-winged parrots is almost as good as a pet cat's could ever be.