Oh yeah. I know you. You’re no fun.

(Dude. This is not happy fun time. You’re running a business.)

That can’t be fun?

(No dude! You sound like Hunter S. Thompson’s personal used car salesman. You’re completely unrelatable, and reasonable people probably think you’re on the dope.)

People can’t relate to food?

(When do you talk about food? Half the time you’re proselytizing for a restaurant cult, and the other half is spent talking about boxer shorts, Star Wars references that NOBODY gets, how awesome your new sink is, and self-congratulating yourself for wearing pants.)

Well, in my defense, I think customers are happy to know their server will have pants, and also, don’t persecute me for my religious beliefs. How are customers to know that we’ve got PRAWN OP MOON SEN on special for a limited time at unbeatable prices if I don’t relay the revelations of Restaurantus, the most high, usurper of agency and master of husbands?

(Do you see what I’m talking about? Do you even listen to yourself?)

I pretend to listen to Nalee.

(Speaking of which, if she knew what you were up to, she’d cook you in a Massaman Curry.)

We’re not serving Massaman at the moment.

(I hate you.)

No you don’t. Watch this…
FRIDAY SPECIAL!!! Going to the party at Banyan Tree tonight? If you are, come get filled up on liquor absorbing ricey goodness and get 10% off your bill for checking-in on Facebook before you go!

(You couldn’t have done that in a less ‘carnival barker’ way? I mean, wait… You’re NOT putting this on Facebook!)

I am.

(I hate you.)

--Thai Fire
(Bad advertising, great food. …also a cat.)

And the dutiful, loving, kind-hearted servant petitioned the Lord for Pad Thai.

The Lord spoke, “Wicked servant. Why do you speak of Pad Thai when we are not yet on page one of Tripadvisor?”

“Wife! We’re ONE spot away from the first page! These things take time. The deal is, I take care of the front, you take care of my stomach.”

And the Lord spoke again, saying…

“Kssshhhhhhhhh, Kawwwwwww. I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.”

Gentle parishioners. John Stuart Mill once said, “As long as justice and injustice have not terminated their ever renewing fight for ascendancy in the affairs of mankind, human beings must be willing, when need is, to do battle for the one against the other.”
It is in this spirit that I, your humble servant, beseech you, take up the curried cross and join the 13 adherents who have taken to TripAdvisor and secured their place in the Lord’s favor.

I’m famished and don’t remember how to cook or care for myself.
Have a heart.

(Cue completely unsympathetic sardonic derision from female readership to my plight.)

--Thai Fire

https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g608455-d1200…

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for great is today’s special.
Verily, I say unto thee, easier is it that an American shall sit comfortably in a Prius than for one to pass up a Laos-Lu Pork Salad for $2.50.

And the Lord spoke again saying, “RHEEEEEEEEEETT! Why you never making hot water all the time!?!? You take nap already?”

“****.”

*End Transmission*

--Thai Fire

If that weren't enough to shock and amaze you, we've got roasted garlic and onions over prawns in a dry, red curry today for $4.75.

Stop it Rhett. There can't be more.

...But there is!

We've gotten crazy ideas about our station and bought wine! Frenchmen drank half our stocks last night and nobody died, so I'm going to make the bold assumption that it is alright.

As for the Philistines, I bought $300 dollars of liquor the other day. Y'all might be able to talk me into making something "froufrou," but I'd suggest you take me up on a whiskey sour.

So, learned how to spell "froufrou" today. Not a bad start.

Toodles,
--Thai Fire

P.S. There will be a special place in heaven for those so kind as to leave us a review on TripAdvisor.

https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g608455-d1200…

Never a dull moment.

We’ll forego a dramatic account of the evening and get straight to the specials.

For one, we have sticky rice. This stuff takes over 5 hours to do the right way, so we’re not making a lot. If you want some and you know it, tell us in advance and we’ll save you some. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee anything. Well…. I mean, I can guarantee you anything, but you’d be unwise to bank on it.

So, the special.

Tom Kha Gai, $3.00.

This. This is why God made the chicken. …or didn’t. I don’t know. I wasn’t there at the dawn of the chicken, but had I the power to make chickens, this would be my motivation for doing so.

Thank you chicken.

--Thai Fire

And for those in the throes of eternal subju..., sorry. For those mesmerized lovers who's souls are a torrent of passions and affections...

For those, we have designs.

Tonight, we offer a five course dinner for two.

To start, a cocktail of your choice or a glass of wine.
Appetizer: Bacon Wrapped Mushrooms
Salad: Laos-Lu Hilltribe Salad
Course: Dry red curried prawns in fried garlic and onion.
Course: Whole fried fish in red sauce with Kaffir Lime,
Lemongrass, red onion, lime, and cashews.
Dessert: Fresh mango sticky rice draped in coconut cream.

$25 per couple.

--Thai Fire
(Regular menu available.)

Wait...

Yes, I think a synapse just fired. Ok.

Pala Kung. We've got Pala Kung for 4.75. Bring the object of your affection. I mean, I'm not going to say it is an aphrodisiac, but if you got me Pala Kung, I might just run off with you. If, you know, you'd had a shower and I weren't a "kept man" so to speak.

Thank god for equivocations.

--Thai Fire

(Lord, please don't let my former marketing professors learn of what I'm doing.)