No matter what you might read in lame books, revenge is definitely a dish served flaming hot: nothing says "don't mess with me" like a burning bag of poop left on your doorstep.
That's not the only way to get even though - here are a few ideas from a connoisseur. More at www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com - Mads
There’s been a lot of speculation about Robert Pattinson, his swollen hand, and his black eye. The rumors are true. Pattinson’s been brawlin’.
Here’s a shot Burvbille paparazzi caught of Pattinson and the Bad Guys crew on the way home from an after school throw-down with the high school football team.
Learn how to throw punches like Pattinson at www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com
See that guy on the left? He's like bully crack cocaine - they just can't get enough of him. If you have a noble heart you might want to help him, but here's something to consider before you do: how many wedgies is a clean conscience worth?
If you help the weak, you'll have good karma but a bloody nose. As for me: I ride alone, compadre!
Anatomy of a perfect wedgie
There's no way anyone's walking away from this one without at least a few skidmarks. To stop this happening to you, you'll need eyes in the back of your head, reaction times worthy of Bruce Lee, and detachable underwear (we're working on that last one).
You can learn the first two at www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com - your butt will thank you.
Just like nobody badmouths Chuck Norris unless they want a roundhouse kick to the chops, no-one messes with a wolf unless they want to get shredded. Practice your wolf-like stare and literally no-one will dare cross you.
More info at www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com - give it a try tomorrow and let us know how many bad guys crap their pants.
When it comes to a class 5 wedgie, rules go out the window. You can kiss your nuts goodbye, and good luck explaining the skidmarks to your mom.
AVOID AT ALL COSTS (we're on the verge of a breakthrough on wedgie-proof undies, so keep an eye on www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com for updates)
You don't always need eyes in the back of your head to stop D-bags getting one up on you: anything will do in a pinch.
Don't want to take our advice? Fine, but I see an ass-whipping in your future.
For more advice your principal doesn't want you to hear, head to www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com - Mads
This is textbook D-bag behaviour - branding a victim with a hot eraser. To survive, look formidable (think silverback gorilla) and predators will think twice before attacking.
That's step one - to continue your education and learn how to defend yourself from a superheated eraser attack, head to www.artofbeatingupbadguys.com - your nuts will thank you.
Want to make a kick-ass HQ this weekend? Here's a starter guide. The Swayze movies are mandatory, and don't skimp on the smoke bombs - those could save your life in a pinch.
Preparation is the key to raining hell on D-Bags...
FIGHT: foot vs nuts
Long-lost BBC footage documents how a middle school girl can take out a bully with one swift (and well placed) kick.
I'm getting ready for another week in the Middle School Jungle. This training might look hardcore to you, but if there's one thing I've learned you gotta nut-up or be prepared to get pissed on.
Train hard, amigos.