The world’s largest database of naughty and nice background investigations was compromised by hackers just days before Christmas, sources close to Santa Claus report.
It was an operation known as MILK COOKIES, based out of Fort Meade and run in conjunction with the U.S. Postal Service. COOKIES is the interception of the letters while MILK feeds them through a complex series of algorithms to spot any hidden messages.
BREAKING: "The sky started turning dark red," said Capt. David Clark, "and I noticed a black funnel cloud swirling off in the distance near my company's barracks."
So sad.
“It actually started out as a joke,” Snowden said. “Someone photocopied a picture of an elf with the caption ‘I’m watching you,’ and it just kept moving from cubicle to cubicle.”
In the spirit of good order and discipline, 1st Sgt. Roger Bottom of Bravo Company, 2-502nd Infantry, invoked his right of jus primae noctis on Christmas care packages this past week.
—via the Duffel Blog archives
BREAKING: Recent surveys across the military have found that depression among single soldiers, airmen, Marines, and sailors has climbed to an alarming 40 percent — a sharp contrast to the normally steady 39 percent.
Hardwick, commander of 2nd Battalion, 8th Marines, planned the event as a fun meet-and-greet for Marines’ families. But he became worried when his daughter returned from a private barracks tour with egg nog all over her hair and face.
“Hey listen gentlemen, it’s totally up to you to attend,” said CSM Marc A. Scott during the course of an hour-long briefing. “We want people there that actually want to be there and have fun.”
“Our entire regiment has busted their ass in the past few months with little-to-no time off. I want them to understand how much I appreciate it,” said the CO. “The best way I know how to do that is get the entire unit on the road and acknowledge their efforts with a little morale boosting PT session.”
"Anyway, about these fuckin’ PT tests, bro. I passed pushups. Like, of course I did. Sit-ups are always kinda iffy. But, the run. Like, I tell these doctors that my knee is messed up from when I flipped my truck and they just aren’t hooking me up with the profile. You seen fat ass Sgt. McNeil? Walking his ass around the track for 22 minutes or some shit. Shit, I could do that."
BREAKING: On screen, soldiers are jumping into action when everything suddenly freezes. That can only mean one thing. Daddy's about to drop a knowledge bomb.
Trump's new national security strategy is out!
BREAKING: "I'm getting a little tired of everyone's comfort-based focus here," he said. "It's like they care more about the weather than they do about building unit cohesance."
