I bet it’s called Almond Milk because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Went to Big Lots with a $100 gift certificate and they just handed me the keys to the store.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other asshole!
I was thinking about jumping on the "Patriot's Fan" bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye's her roots black.
We were so poor when I was growing up, one Christmas I got a battery with a note on it saying, "toys not included".
Q: What´s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to bed with a light on. :D
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.
This is what chickens think about the "Eat more chicken" advertisement by chic-fil-a! 😃
I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray. Didn't work. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon!
Went out to eat tonight. Sign on the wall said "Tipping appreciated".. The waitress was pissed when she got back up off the floor!