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My hip aches.  I can't sleep.  Sleep seems like a fun idea created by smarter people.

I think honestly one of the scariest things to witness is when someone is truly not self aware.  There's a kind of miasma of aspects to this, because your opinions and subjective perception of them figure into your perception of them as unself-aware.  But when it's happening, you can feel it.

It's so weird to interact with; like, have you ever told someone, politely, that they can't take criticism, only for them to become increasingly angry and defensive as they insist that they can?  Or have you ever had someone ask you a loaded question in search of one answer, and then fall apart into frustration, anxiety and anger when you don't give them what they were looking for?

Behaviors like these are merely the tip of the fin of a shark swimming beneath the surface of the ocean of communication.  People's defense mechanisms set in early, and they don't change.

There's nothing more bizarre, and I do mean more bizarre, than having the same argument within itself.  Ever had that happen?  Where you ouroboros back into the same place you start?

Worse still, have you ever had a reset?  Have you essentially poured your heart out to someone, had what felt like a watershed moment, only to be repeating yourself a week later?

Those to instances, I think, more often than not, are a case of you, the experiencee, not being self-aware.  Or at least not learning.  Bear with me, I'm going somewhere.

I've come to believe over time that the most frustrating interactions I have are often caused by my own inability to pick the lock of the person I'm talking to, and break through into understanding.  It's a case of "how am I saying this" versus "what am I saying."  In moments of emotion or intellectual importance, you should never be repeating yourself.  Words are like the lead in a pencil, the harder you press down on them the higher the chances are you'll blunt your point.

But then there's that other thing, that scarier thing, where you realize that a person simply isn't hearing you.  They're not processing what you're telling them; you're typing words onto the keyboard of a frozen computer.  And at that point I've always been sort of at a loss of what to do.

Who do you hate?  Why do you hate them?  What's your forgiveness threshold?  What's the maximum amount of time you'll scream at someone that you'll never speak to them again?  What's the maximum amount of times you'll text back "STOP TEXTING ME," or get that text before you listen?

I once got into a very intense argument with a friend who had done something I considered morally wrong.*  I wasn't interested in engaging about it or having it explained to me, because I felt I had all the pieces I needed to form an opinion.

The conversation then moved into what I call "the manipulation wheel."  There's no science behind this, it's just a behavior I've noticed repeated in various formats.

The first stop is of course, shock or frustration.  The person attempts, through displaying shock and frustration, in an attempt to scare you off and let you know that this WILL be a confrontation and to try to scare you off the criticism/opinion that is triggering their defense mechanisms.  They'll be especially intense if you came at them really nicely.  If you came at them angry, they'll cajole and be more friendly, commenting like an awkwardly somewhat-amused "victim."

The next step, if you press, is to begin to attack/pick apart your initial statements.  If you're accusing them of a lie, they poke at your sources, trying to determine if they can attack the veracity of your information.  If it's something more concrete, novice manipulators will often attempt to present opinions (held by others, named or unnamed), that contradicts what you're saying.  Sometimes they'll say there's stuff you don't know and it's "complicated."

If that doesn't work, they generally flip it.  Sometimes they flip it IMMEDIATELY.  You comment on something rude they did at a party?  You're the rude one, for bringing it up to them, or for random things they can remember you doing that they didn't feel like bringing up until just now.  You say they're unstable?  YOU'RE UNSTABLE, you LUNATIC.  They didn't chip in the money/effort on something?  YOU NEED TO STOP PRESSURING THEM ABOUT IT (this is the first time you've asked).

Because the scary thing here, the frustrating thing, is the "awareness gap."  The question echoing in your head, spoken or unspoken: is this person aware that the reality they're presenting to me is a transparent defensive response?

Sometimes they are, and sometimes they're not.  I think that flimsy construction is the only answer; it's impossible to tell.  I've had people do unbelievably manipulative, intentionally emotionally destructive things to me and others, and even themselves while acting from a completely sincere and emotionally viable place, in their eyes.  

I've seen people accept compromises that will inevitably explode, I've seen people wiggle words around until they've completely changed the meaning of what's being told to them, I've seen them trip all over themselves in a frantic attempt to change the context of the conversation to make themselves the victim, it's remarkable.

Worse still, without even thnking about it, I've been guilty of all of these behaviors.  I think ultimately it's a case, I hope, of awareness.  Ideally, no one "wants" to be an asshole.

There are plenty of people who are, though.  Just like there are plenty of people who simply will never be your friend because you guys just aren't wired the same.  You know those people.  You don't even know how to have a conversation with them.

So please, try to be aware.

I wasn't trying to teach you anything, here.  I don't really have a point.  point.  A point.  Don't really have a point.  Just a musing.  glowing up at you from the screen.  You're alone now, and I see you sitting alone, reading this, maybe even hearing it in my voice.  

You're alone now in your apartment or your house.  There's no one in any of the other rooms.  You're alone.  And when you get into bed later tonight, there's a good chance you'll be alone then too

then

once your eyes are closed

and you're listening to the sound in the room

there will be someone else there

in the corner

in the dark

facing away

waiting

and it's you.  it's the other you.  The one everyone else sees.

it's gone away for the night, an empty skin

and that's why you've got stop, at least once a day, and ask yourself nakedly, the real you, the one who exists only in the dark, infinite space you enter when your eyelids are shut

Am I fucking up?