Facebook allowed me to connect with friends, play FarmVille, and see last weeks memes all for the very low price of my eternal soul.

Facebook truly cares about my privacy, so of course I gave them my email address, phone number, social security card, and personal genetic data through DNA processing.


My New Year's resolution is to open up a series of hot Pier 1 Imports to sell hot, new furnishings. I also want to workout and get ripped.

Imagine if you were trapped inside a McDonald's bathroom on Christmas Eve.

I celebrated Christmas early by having a rusted, holiday shopping cart crack my holiday tibia in a wet Dillard's holiday parking lot.

Emperor Palpatine, by all accounts, was a very unpopular emperor of the entire galaxy, but never said a bad word about net neutrality.

I've built a makeshift tent village out of used garbage bags and soiled tarps in hopes of being the first in line to see the new Star Wars movie.

I wish to be as stylish and loco as the people in Taco Bell commercials who eat burritos on the trunk of their convertible sedans.

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I tried out for the NFL, but was immediately cut for lack of scrimmage skills, pigskin skills, gridiron skills, and dreadlocks skills.

Work hard. Play hard. That is something I say and live by when it comes to the subjects of working and playing.

I am training in gryffindor wizarding and muggle quidditch at

I'd rather be held hostage in an abandoned Blockbuster Video than to have to wash off my makeup when I'm tired.

The "Black Panther" trailer was impressive, but with today's advancements in visual effects, I'm clamoring for a modern reboot of "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past".

All pregnancy announcements should be hand written on used, greasy, wet Chick-fil-A chicken boxes.