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I posted this in one of the straight spouse support groups last even...ing, and I think it bears repeating:
A little unsolicited advice for folks involved in couples therapy: Please please PLEASE make sure your therapist is objective and does not have a dog in this fight. If you are trying to have a working #MSOM (mixed sexual orientation marriage) and you are open to sexual accommodation, great. But you do NOT have to be okay with an open marriage – particularly a one-sided one – and you do NOT have to forgive your spouse right now...or maybe ever. If you find yourself being asked to accept things that go against the core of your being, I encourage you to do some honest soul-searching before you agree.
Therapists have a disproportionate amount of power, and it is easy to assume we know what's best for you. A therapist with their own biases or blind spots around #sexuality can make you question what is right and what is true for you. As a Str8, I ALWAYS have to pay attention to my responses to an LGBTQ+ spouse in therapy; were I to judge them because of my own experience, I would be doing them a great disservice. So, too, with ANY therapist who thinks your marriage *should* look one way or another, e.g., you *should* be okay with your spouse having sex with men, or you *should* divorce him or her, or you *should* stay together and make it work regardless of the damage to you.
I don't care if your therapist wrote a book, does a podcast, or is Dr. Phil. YOU are the expert on you. And if you feel pressured to do something that doesn't feel right in your gut, speak up. Therapists obviously mean well, but we make mistakes, too.
It's not just our #LGBTQ+ spouses who deserve to be able to lead authentic lives; we #Str8s deserve the same. And that means being true to ourselves. ~KBM
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